Historical April–May 2011 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
“Welcome to St. Louis,” reads the sign as you enter the bridge from Illinois, and then, in smaller letters, it says, “Please drive safely over the Jerry F. Costello-William Lacy “Bill” Clay Sr. Veterans Memorial Bridge.” Huh? Are you kidding me? Twentyone syllables! That’s going to be the name of the bridge? Alas, dear readers, that’s the current proposal. What were they thinking? Nothing against Jerry F. Costello or William Lacy “Bill” Clay Sr., two congress-people who brought home the bacon with regularity (back in the days before we knew how pernicious bacon could be to one’s diet, whether corporeal or fiscal), but what an awkward name. How long would it be until the local news traffic reporters told us to beware of traffic tie-ups on the CC Bridge?
They certainly aren’t going to say “And traffic is slowed on the Jerry F. Costello-William Lacy “Bill” Clay Sr. Veterans Memorial Bridge”; by the time they finished spitting that out, traffic might be cleared. More important, reciting that name would leave no time for commercials. So yes, let’s rename this bridge while there is still time. I’m not alone in this venture. Others have called for different names, foremost among them Post-Dispatch columnist, Bill McClellan.
As usual, Bill is right on-target in being slightly off-key.
I agree: It’s time to stretch our boundaries a bit. Enough with naming public works for people. Who was McKinley, anyway?
The name of a new bridge will shout who we are, so let’s decide what message we want to share. Let’s name the bridge after an important piece of St. Louis culture.
We don’t build new things very often – the last was the arch in the 60’s, and it was preceded by the 1904 World’s Fair, not much else has happened – so we can’t squander this opportunity.
The name of the bridge should be a message that is positive, one that speaks clearly to our traditions, and one which encourages vacationers to come drop some coin into the local coffers.
I held a mini-focus group the other night to generate ideas for the name of the bridge, and the results were nearly unanimous. (To be fair, I was the only one in the focus group, but still, we reached conclusion fairly quickly.) Here are the leading candidates, each guaranteed to make a statement that shouts “Come on down!” 1.
The Ted Drewes Concrete Bridge.
This puppy is definitely a winner.
I mean, is there any institution more associated with St. Louis than Ted Drewes? (Stan Musial is not an institution.) Getting a pun in the name by referring to Ted’s best concoction, the concrete, is even better.
However, recognizing that motorists are easily confused – it’s difficult to drive while texting, particularly when crossing a body of water on a narrow pathway while also trying to find the Rolling Stones on your radio dial as you pop another Cheetos in your mouth – I propose that we clarify the name a bit.
After all, we don’t want people entering our state to think that we were mundane enough to name a bridge after a building compound made of sand and glue. So what if we name it the Ted Drewes Chocolate Chip Concrete Bridge? That conveys all the élan of the calories without the baggage of the minerals. 2.
The Toasted Ravioli Bridge. You knew that was next, right? Mind you, I’ve never been much into toasted ravioli myself. Those little squares keep getting stuck in the toaster, and I practically electrocute myself while trying to pull them out with a fork. (A first-hand experience hint: Wooden forks conduct electricity far less well than metal!) Nevertheless, I recognize that for lots of folks St. Louis is defined by toasted ravioli, so go for it. Of course, then we’ll need a big billboard at the first MO exit that explains what we mean by toasted ravioli. 3.
The Sweltering Summer, High Humidity, Tall Temperature Bridge. Granted, this isn’t our best foot, so you may be wondering why we should put it forward. Simple: We’re managing expectations! By promoting our beastly July and August temperatures, our visitors will be pleasantly surprised when the temperature is only in the low 90’s and the humidity hovers around 89. It’s a bit like a restaurant saying “Our food will make you sick,” and then you’re happy when it just tastes bad. It’s always good for consumers to find the experience better than they expected. 4.
The “Where Did You Go To High School?” Bridge.
This title may puzzle the newcomer, I understand, but what a good way to prepare them for their St. Louis experience.
After all, regardless of where they land or to whom they talk, that will be the first, second, or third question they are asked. Why not prepare them for the onslaught into their past as they venture across the Mighty Miss? 5.
The Casper Bridge. OK, this is simply me being a bit personal here, but I think it would be wonderful to have a bridge named after one of my dogs, and Casper, being the senior, gets the honor. It’s not just his age, either.
After all, in many ways he is emblematic of our fair city. He’s a bit old and tired but still lots of fun.
We pride ourselves on being a city of neighborhoods, and that’s a bit like Casper.
He doesn’t have a coastline or high-tech center, but he’s always friendly and ready to wag his tail.
I realize that some of you traditionalists – people who come to a full stop at red lights — might have some difficulty naming a bridge after a dog, but consider the alternative: Would you really rather have the Jerry F. Costello-William Lacy “Bill” Clay Sr. Veterans Memorial Bridge? Case closed and arf, arf! Happy driving to you. Next I’ll offer some ideas for the name of the new St. Louis International Airport, soon to be built in West County where the Chrysler Plant used to be located.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2011.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2011_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
