In Your Ear — What Are Dogs Thinking?

By Tom Hoerr

Summer 2013

Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr

What is this dog thinking? Page one photograph refers to In Your Ear.

Historical Summer 2013 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.

Do you ever wonder what dogs think? Sure, you can tell when they’re happy or excited or tired, but beyond that, what is going on a dog’s mind? Good news: I can tell you! It’s not just that Hawkeye is a dog whisperer, one who is simpatico with pooches and can infer their moods and mind-sets. It’s true, he – I mean, I – can do that.

I grew up as an only child but there was always a dog in the house, so from my youth on, I was sort of a peer to the family pooch. Granted, my dogs never learned to read or drive a car, but that’s OK.

I never learned to bark well, and still have trouble deriving satisfaction from a bone.

But my dog whisperer skills are only a part of the reason that I can read dogs’ minds. You see, and please don’t repeat this, it’s just between us, I am able do this thanks to a professor friend of mine who works in the Phrenology Lab at a very nearby university. Chances you, you’ve not even heard of the lab even if you work or are a student there.

The lab is Top Secret (the technical term for this is hush-hush) and its presence goes back to the Cold War days. You see, back then we were very concerned with getting ahead of the Ruskies.

They had shocked us with Sputnik, and we spent dozens of years trying to recover.

From the Bay of Pigs to backyard bomb shelters to out-spending them into oblivion, there were lots of years when an inordinate amount of federal dollars – defense dollars, offense dollars, and under the table dollars – went to find an edge against the U.S.S.R. That’s how the Phrenology Lab started in 1961.

The Phrenology Lab, you see, was designed to figure out how to read others’ minds. So get this: Off the record (I don’t want my degree revoked), it is now possible to hear another’s thoughts, to read another’s mind!

The problem is that you have to hold what looks like a stethoscope against the other person’s head. It’s not tiny, so you can’t do this on the sly. Well what good is it?

If the other person knows you’re going to read their mind, they’ll focus and control their thoughts.

My professor friend was, no surprise, quite disappointed to have helped develop mind-reading technology that isn’t being used.

The port was exceedingly good, and it hit me! “What about dogs?” I barked. Dogs won’t mind a quasistethoscope being held against their head, so why not give it a try?

After a few more glasses of fine port (isn’t all port fine?), my professor friend showed me how the equipment worked and sent me on my way. Because this is hush-hush, I could only borrow the equipment for one hour. Off I went!

My goal, of course, was to talk to Onyx, my charming and erudite standard poodle.

I crossed Skinker, heading east from the campus, and began by chatting with Lucky, a mixedbreed I saw on Waterman Boulevard. “Can I listen to his heartbeat?” I asked Lucky’s owner who was walking him.

She gave me a quizzical look and nodded affirmatively.

I greeted Lucky and asked how he was doing, and put the mind-reading disk against his head.

With no hesitation, Lucky’s brain responded, “Man, I am tired of these boring walks up and down the same block on the nonforgiving concrete. Would you ask her to just let me go in the yard and do my business?” Eureka, I though, Archimedes-style!

I was already down to minute forty-two, though, so I apologized to Lucky and his owner and rushed off. I’ll tell her later, I thought.

I hurriedly crossed McPherson Avenue and was stopped by a deep woof from a front porch. Lawrence, a huge boxer, was shouting at me.

His owner sat nearby and welcomed me as I approached.

I rubbed Lawrence’s ears, slipped the disk on his forehead, and said, “How are you doing, pal?” Lawrence looked directly into my eyes and seemed to shout through the cord: “Finally someone can hear me. Why don’t they get rid of the electoral college?” It was a good question but I didn’t have time to explain (indeed, I wonder about that too!), so I just looked puzzled and rushed down the street.

I was down to minute twenty-one, and Meteor, a small Chihuahua walking toward me, was next.

Her owner (I know Meteor is a her ‘cause of the red bow on her collar) thought I just wanted to pet Meteor, and didn’t notice my metal disk and the cord when I bent over. “Meteor, how goes it?” I asked, slyly putting the disk against her head.

She answered, “Plese decirle que me gustar’a mejor los alimentos!” What??? How foolish of me not to realize that Meteor the Chihuahua would speak Spanish.

I told her that I couldn’t help, and moved on.

I knew that I should have paid more attention in Spanish class!

Finally, with sixteen minutes left on the clock – I felt like Cinderella – I entered my Kingsbury front door. Onyx had been on guard-duty, barking at the squirrels, blown leaves, and mail-delivery people.

He greeted me with a husky bark and I quickly put the disk on his forehead. “Onyx, buddy,” I said, “it’s me, Hawkeye, your friendly master, what do you have to say?” Onyx turned his head a bit and then responded, “Hey man, can you teach me how to work the cable television? Listening to NPR all day gets boring!” “But I love NPR,” I said, “and watching too much cable will make you dumb.” Before I could remove the disk from his head, Onyx replied, “Me dumb? Who are you kidding?

I am not the one wearing ties!” Alas, I had no time to retort, down to six minutes, so I sprinted out the door to return the equipment to the lab.

I made it just in time; no pumpkin coach for me! What’s next? Stay tuned, because my professor friend tells me that new technology has reduced the size of the disk and made the communication wireless; there’s no cord. It’s now possible to read people’s minds without them even knowing it.

I know that I’ll begin at Kayak’s Coffee.

I may look like I’m reading my Kindle, but that’s not the case. Hey, I think I know what you are thinking!