Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical February–March 2014 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Hi there, dear readers. How are your antlers doing? (Get it???) Last month, you will surely recall, I wrote about change. WOOSH was that sound you heard as you read my pithy and profound column. WOOSH again! No, WOOSH is not WASH mispronounced – did you go to WOOSHINGTON UNIVERSITY? WOOSH is the sound you heard because things are changing so quickly around us. WOOSH still. (Hey, you’re reading words and I’m describing sounds. Give me a break!) Anyway, I wrote about change today – from the designated hitter to wearable computers to frozen Twinkies. Ponderfully (a word that I just made up), I wondered if Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington were to come to life today, what would be. Try as I might, I cannot communicate with the dead – although it sure feels like that at some meetings I lead – so I can’t ask them. Instead, I asked some friends how they think the founders might respond. No surprise, the answers were interesting.
My friends never let a lack of information inhibit them from forming an opinion. Pastor Jeff and Eric noted that Franklin, Jefferson, and Washington would be most surprised to see their faces on money. Of course, chances are they’d be using credit cards so they may never see themselves on the bills. Likewise, Matthew said, “All three founders may be shocked to know that today most males associate their historic names more with microbreweries and love of home distilleries than with the formation of the [wording and quotation ending missing in printed source]
Quite a few people noted that these founders would be struck by things we take for granted. Barry pointed out that they would be blown away by the number of people everywhere.
The presence of big cities would be a big surprise for them, and they’d be amazed that Skinker served as any sort of a political boundary. Hey, that amazes me. Sort of relatedly, since the Appalachian Mountains represented the Western boundary when these guys were alive, they’d be blown away to learn of California, much less to think that our country extended that far, and even more that Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor. That also amazes me. Of these founders, Jefferson died most recently, in 1826. Think of how astounded and gratified they would be to learn that their grand experiment still exists (at least thus far).
It would boggle their minds to learn that the U.S. now consists of 50 states, is occupied by hundreds of millions of people, and, get this, has an African American president! Prez Obama might be the biggest surprise of all to them. WOOSH! Technological advances were cited by many, including the microwave oven, television, airplanes, birth control, instant coffee, big box stores, penicillin, and Michael Jackson.
Each of these creations amazes me, but then I’m not a good technology barometer; I’m still trying to figure how to program my VCR. Several people mentioned how stunned the founders would be to see all of the ways that we communicate and the speed with which messages can be sent. Today we are drowning in innerconnectivity.
We have e-mail, smart phones, texting, Tweets, Skype, on-line instruction, and virtual conferences. So much for solitude, reflection, and rumination. (Isn’t it amazing that the quality of communication has not improved despite its pervasiveness and speed? Maybe the faster and clearer communication channels just make it easier and quicker to misunderstand.) Clark distinguished among the three founders, and suggested that General Washington would be surprised at military “advances”; the quotes are there because he might question whether it’s really progress to be able to kill so many, so quickly.
After all, twenty million Russians died in WWII. Jefferson’s eclectic interests would range from being stunned at tall buildings to the fact that everyone 21 or over can vote.
He wouldn’t be alone: Some of my Republican friends are still stunned by who gets to vote. Franklin would be delighted at the evolution in science and would be amazed at the sexual revolution. Actually, given Franklin’s interests, he would probably be amazed at the evolution in science and delighted at the sexual revolution. Bahram, a friend from Iran, looks at our country from afar, and feels that our country’s respect for human diversity would be the biggest change. He’s right, of course; the founders would have a very hard time getting their heads around this (right, Presidents Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton?). Of course, perhaps because he is afar he views this respect as a bit more vibrant than someone living here might see it. Yes, we’ve made remarkable progress but we have a long way to go. Dan says, “I think they would also be struck with the superficiality of our daily efforts.” You know, I think he’s on to something here but I don’t have the time to pursue it. Matt said that the founders would be stunned by all of the old people.
In 1789, the average life expectancy was 36.5 years, but it rose to 76.8 in the year 2000.
I bet no one was worried about the solvency of Social Security back in 1789! Marty says toasted ravioli, and Jan says pork steaks.
I wonder where sushi falls in the list of foods that would surprise them. Honestly, sushi still surprises me.
I mean, here I am ordering and eating RAW FISH!?! What about germs and unsanitary conditions? Have I lost my mind?
The only thing comparably appalling would be eating a bratwurst. So changes abound. There’s that WOOSH again.
But a few folks, much wiser than Hawkeye (which isn’t saying much), observed that the founders would also be struck by how much has not changed. People are people; most are good but some are knuckleheads. Dogs are loyal and see the best in their owners. No matter what we’re doing, we never have enough time. And the Chicago Cubs still are still in last place.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2014.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Source question ends what would be. Matthew quotation jumps from formation of the to Quite a few people, with missing words and closing quotation. Explicit marker added; no reconstruction.
Original source: SD_Times2014_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
