Historical March–April 2013 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Welcome to 2013! Yes, it’s PREDICTION TIME. Granted, while I write this in the waning days of 2012, I recognize that you won’t read it until later in 2013. Hey, that’s your problem! Hawkeye’s annual predictions, something he does every year, are a tradition, and rumor has it that many wise readers plan their year around his prognostications. (Do you know how much more profound this sounds when I refer to myself in the third person?
He likes it!) In truth, however, one can never accurately predict the future.
As all too valid evidence of that, I thought it would be appropriate for me to share my five predictions from 2011, the prognostications that I made for 2012.
A year ago, I predicted: 1. Oprah Winfrey would be elected president of the U.S. Alright, I can see how far-fetched that seems now, but back then, it was a good call! Obama’s numbers were in the tank, and it was clear that the Republicans didn’t have any presidential candidate more credible than a pillar of salt.
I envisioned a scenario where Oprah was nominated in a groundswell at the Green Party convention, then carried the day in November. Think of how much fun it would have to see Brad Pitt as Secretary of Defense. 2.
The Cardinals would finish in last place.
This was a very safe prediction. Losing Pujols plus LaRussa, I figured that the Cards might be the first team to go 0-162. Oh well. So much for the importance of leadership, eh? Once again, it all comes down to good pitching. Hey, maybe that’s what’s wrong with congress!?! 3. Global Warming would cease. Given all of the national attention to the issue and all of the wise minds working on a solution, I figured the problem would be solved by now. Last fall I read about a plan to put millions of tiny mirrors in a rocket which would be shot into the atmosphere, where the mirrors would be released to orbit around the Earth. Logically, a lot of the mirrors would wind up facing the sun and would reflect its rays. That made a lot of sense to me, plus think what cool sunsets these mirrors would create! (Confidentially, I have been emailing scientists to tell them that all we need to do is release more Freon into the atmosphere – that’s the magic ingredient that causes air-conditioners to work – and the temp would drop a bit. Oddly, no one replies.) 4.
The Republicans and Democrats would end the year by working harmoniously together. Boy, was this a bad call! Sure, I thought Oprah’s guidance would help, but mostly I figured that the D.C. knuckleheads would see that there is more to be gained by collaborating than by fighting one another.
If Congress had been on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg, they would have all drown while arguing about which lifeboats should go in the water first. 5.
The City and County of St. Louis would merge. What was I drinking? Enough said. And now, drumroll please, here are my predictions for 2013. I’m going to do a better job this year; I can feel it!
However, I must again caution our dear readers that the future is never certain, even when seen through the rear-view mirror. (See: Revisionist history, Oliver Stone, Richard Nixon, Willie Nelson.) Here goes with the predictions for 2013, and can we amplify the drumroll a bit? 1. Reality television shows will lose their favor.
I mean, how often can we watch people fending off snakes, trying to lose weight, crashing into obstacles, or singing off-tune? Honestly, it reminds me of being at a meeting of the St. Louis Board of Aldermen. People will tire of watching these kinds of shows. Meet the Press will begin showing nightly. 2.
The printed book will disappear, new ones at least.
The prices of Kindles and Nooks will continue to plummet, and they’ll soon be available at Walgreen’s for $9.99 ($4.99 if purchased with Hostess Twinkies). Likewise, your favorite ebook will cost $2.99. Think of all the trees we’ll be saving. Like your parents’ 78 RPM records, your real books will stack nicely in the basement until you get rid of them at a garage sale.
This prediction will make many traditionalists uncomfortable, I understand. It’s hard for book-lovers to accept that there’s nothing sacrosanct about holding a book and turning pages. Change is hard!
The monks felt the same way in 1455 when Gutenberg invented moveable type and the printing press.
The traditionalists can hang on, though, and read a real book while listening to music on their 8-track tape players. 3. New cars will have mechanisms that enable them to park and to drive themselves. Google already has prototypes for this, so it’s not IF but WHEN.
This is good news, no more fender-benders or colossal crashes, except for the companies that have spent millions of dollars inventing mechanisms to go on steering wheels and prevent drunks from driving.
With this new technology, alcohol content won’t make any difference. Tipsy Teresa or Inebriated Ivan will simply slur their destination to the dashboard, and the car will safely deliver them to their appointment. Walking up the steps, however, is another matter. 4. Steve Jobs will come back to life. Yes, I recognize that this is a bit of a stretch, but think about it: If anyone can do it, Steve can. Think of the cool Apple press conferences, Steve in jeans and black t-shirt, hovering above the stage! Of course, we may never be sure whether it’s him or a hologram, but either way, both the vitriolic abuse to employees and cool new features on future generations of i-Phones will remain the same. By the time we get to the i-Phone 17S, we may all be able to come back to life! 5. Oprah becomes Queen of the U.S. Actually, this is more likely than you might think, you pedestrianminded advocate of democracy!
We all love democracy because it works.
The premise of democracy is that people deserve a voice and can influence the actions of their representatives.
But we don’t and we haven’t. Need I say more?
As I write, the congress isn’t going to make the December 31 budget deadline and, when you think about it, this is just typical. Congresspeople are most concerned with getting re-elected, not doing what’s good for the country. Queen Oprah would be a benevolent leader, I am sure. And since Queens don’t run for re-election, she would make decisions that are good for the country. Plus, think of her appointments to the Supreme Court.
I can’t wait to see Lady Gaga and Dr. Phil in the flowing robe! OK, dear reader, you now know what the future holds. Batten down the hatches!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, March–April 2013.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2013_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
