Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical Summer 2012 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
What do you think about the lid that’s going over highway 70 in downtown? OK, more accurately what do you think about the lid that’s going over the highway near the arch? Granted, that’s probably a silly question.
I mean, who could be against covering the highway near the arch?
When you think about it, it’s a win-win. Hey, it may even be a win-win-win!
The cement industry thinks it’s a great idea.
The construction company likes it a lot. Sod and lawnmower manufacturers have gone on record as saying it’s a good thing. It’s planned to be finished by October 28, 2015, the fiftieth birthday of the arch. Can you see the cake now?
My guess is that it will be a Bob Cassilly-like construction, forty or so feet in diameter with acetylene torches serving as the candles!
But there’s more!
The U.S. Forest Service people who work at the arch are very happy because it will make it easier to walk to the arch from downtown. Downtown businesses are pleased because the lid should generate more traffic which leads to more dollars. Photographers are happy because now there will be a demand for new shots of the arch from a variety of perspectives. (Yep, your current arch photo will be out-of-date.) The Feds will be pleased because they have an expense that just about everyone endorses – unlike tax money spent for wars or deductions for fat cat private jets. Even pickpockets and purse-snatchers who lurk in the area are eager for the project because they’ll have more potential victims. (Yep, they’re the, drum roll, please, arch criminals!) Phew, that’s quite a list of supporters.
The last time a federal project garnered this much unanimity was the Spanish-American War, and the arch project doesn’t have the advantage of William Randolph Hearst’s endorsement.
With all of this support, how could there be anything, anything at all, wrong with covering the nasty looking highway that currently separates the arch from downtown? Alas, dear reader, like the charming personality of Newt Gingrich, there’s less here than meets the eye. Indeed, with my urban planning background (I did grow up in south St. Louis, after all), I massage the 63112 crystal ball and see the problems inherent in this plan. Thus in the spirit of rationale, objective, clear-thinking, and candid logic, there are two major problems inherent in the lid. Sad by true, this is a scary idea, maybe second only to the thought of President Gingrich!
First, this is no cheap puppy. We’re talking an estimate of $553,000,000. No, that ain’t no typo: five-hundred and fiftythree million bucks. And that doesn’t include the gondola ride across the Mississippi or the new park built on the east side. Honest!
I am not making this up. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a good liberal Democrat, so taxes being spent in a sloppy and less than efficient manner don’t bother me. That’s what those rich people are for, after all, to make up the shortfall. Still, that’s more than a half-billion dollars. Think of the other things we could do in this community for a half-billion bucks.
We could build a new football stadium, for example, so that the Rams aren’t embarrassed by playing in our old antiquated one, built in the ancient 1990’s.
My heart always goes out to the Rams. I’m sure that part of their inept performance is because they’re forced to play in a stadium that isn’t in the upper tier of NFL stadiums! Gasp. Poor, poor Rams. Or we could take that half billion and return it to the residents of the City of St. Louis, which, after all, is where the arch is located. That would mean that each of our 344,362 people would get a check for $1,605.86.
I don’t know about you, but I could find a good use for that $1,605.85. Think of how many Ted Drewe’s chocolate-chip concretes that would buy!
But here’s the best option, and apologies in advance for my logical-mathematical mind, why not take that $553,000,000 and buy lottery tickets? Don’t laugh: That much money would allow us to buy enough tickets in every state lottery, including the Power Ball, so that we’d be sure to win.
We would turn that paltry $553,00,000 into some real cash!
My guess is that we could win enough to retire the national debt. Would you prefer a lid over the arch or zero national debt?
I thought so! Second, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, recall, and I mourn the loss of watching the cars zipping along the highway. There’s something poetic about a Camry followed by a Prius, and don’t overlook that dingy tractor-trailer in the next lane. And oh, look, quickly, there’s a Ford Escort! Boy oh boy, it doesn’t get any more exciting than this! Varoooooommm! Think about it fellow-citizen.
We can have more grass and a barren field (as if we need another barren field in our town!) or we can retire the national debt and get to watch the ebb and flow of mechanized art.
It seems like a no-brainer to me.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Summer 2012.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Source 553000000 versus later 55300000 and 1605.86 versus 1605.85 retained; satire calculations not validated policy estimates.
Original source: SD_Times2012_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
