Historical November–December 2002 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
I read the other day that we’ve stopped evolving. No, I didn’t notice it either.
But then I didn’t notice the end of my youth, so that shows how oblivious I am. (Worse, I no longer even remember the end of my youth!) The author’s point was that we’ve mastered technology, are in control of our environment enough that we won’t find survival of the fittest affecting our gene pool.
In the old days, I’m talking really old here, before cable-tv old, lots of human-type hairy things were wandering around our planet.
The environment enabled certain types to make it – to reproduce and pass on their gene pool – while others weren’t so fortunate. Humanoids without an opposable thumb, for example, would have a harder time gripping object and would be at a disadvantage in creating tools, slaying animals, or hitting baseballs; ergo they’re less likely to be around today. And our long-ago forefathers and foremoms with far fewer brain cells wouldn’t last long enough to have young ‘uns. Basically, aside from bell-bottom pants and contact lenses, our bodies have been what they are today for a quarter of a million years or so. Yes, because we can create external supports for ourselves, the gene pool of today is what we’re stuck with. Think about it, humans can survive anywhere on our planet because of what we’ve built and created. For that matter, if an environment is too hostile, we simply leave; generation after generation doesn’t stay there, evolving in a way so that the body changes to meet that new physical challenge and it’s then passed on to descends. I’m reading and thinking, “Yeah, this is cool.” But then the author blew it.
He said something like, “And it’s clear that the bodies we have today are just about perfect.” HUH? “Just about perfect?” Who is he kidding? Helen Hunt aside, I don’t know what he’s talking about! He’s engaging in the classic scientific error: making the conclusion fit the data.
I mean, just because we are who we are and look like what we do, doesn’t mean that this is the best we could have done. Sure, this body works most of the time (more or less).
But that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Far from it! So I began to think of how our bodies could be even better.
A turn here in the evolutionary path, a saber-tooth tiger who’s full and leaves an ancestor alone, a glacier that doesn’t roll over a man and woman crossing the Urals, and who knows what we’d be today. Yeah, this model works, so did a Ford Pinto.
But it could be so much better, and so could we!
In the spirit, then, of offering input to future species on far-distant planets (’cause I know that they read this column) to help them plan their evolution, here are the five biggest improvements that could be made in the human body. Maker, listen up! 1.
A full head of hair, all of the original teeth, and eyesight could remain perfect for the entire lifespan. (Can you tell something about me by the fact that this is my #1?) Think about it, there’s no reason why we guys couldn’t always look like Ted Dansen. And the hair shouldn’t go gray either. Let’s do away with dentists! Think about it, why should we need to wear those silly eyeglasses either? Why not perfect vision all the time? Oh yeah, my first wife, looking over my shoulder as I type, suggest that I add that we shouldn’t lose our hearing as we get older. (“What?” I replied to her.) 2.
We should be able to eat as often as we want, as much as we want. and whatever we want without gaining weight.
There should be no need for SlimFast or WeighWatchers because it wouldn’t matter. You could throw down those Hostess Twinkees at every meal without gaining an ounce. Think about it: ice cream for breakfast and french fries on the hour, every hour! Everyone would be slim, svelte, and fit easily into the seats at Busch Stadium. 3. Memory shouldn’t fade in old age.
This is an important one because too often as we age it’s harder and harder to remember. Just the other day, for example, I forgot to 4.
We should never get ill. That’s right, no sickness. For that matter, the body wouldn’t show any signs of aging, ever.
There would be no need for medicines, doctors, health insurance, or hospitals. (Yes, I realize that this might cause a problem of overpopulation.
My solution would be to limit the life span to, say, 350 years. That would be long enough to enjoy life to the fullest and see the Cubs win a World Series game.
On the 350th birthday, there would be some simple ritual to end it all quickly, like maybe taking a bath while using the electric hair dryer on that great head of hair you’d still have.) 5.
We should all have eyes in the back of our heads, literally.
Now this may strike you as odd looking.
I know.
But if we all had two sets of eyes, that would be the norm and no one would think anything unusual.
With eyes in the back and front, we could see 360 degrees at all times.
There would be fewer auto accidents and now that we are living so long, we’d be able to read twice as many books and see twice as many movies.
The term “four-eyes” would have a completely different connotation.
There you have it, the new improved human body for the next galaxy. Our evolution has ended so we won’t get there; as Popeye used to say, “We are what we are. Alas. Me? I’m going to celebrate my limited life-span and receding hairline by having an ice cream and rooting for the Cubs. Thank Heaven for that opposable thumb; without it, holding those french fries would be difficult. “If you could talk to one person in the world and change his/her mind on an issue, to whom would you talk and what would the issue be?” I’d like to use this question as a topic for a future IN YOUR EAR column and would love to hear your 3 cents!
Please send me an email (I’ll not use your real name) and tell me how you’d respond. Send to Hawkeye: trhoerr@AOL.com.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2002.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2002_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
