Historical July 1986 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
There’s been a lot of talk lately about tax reform.
As usual, the federal legislators and bureaucrats are trying to come up with a “painless” solution to our financial mess. I don’t know the exact numbers, they aren’t really important, but it’s something like our children will have to pay one trillion dollars per year — in interest alone — on the national debt.
As I said, I’m not sure whether it’s one trillion per year, one billion per day, or one zillion per full moon; the point’s the same: we’re spending way too much now.
Not only does the government buy $2,000 toilet seats, it buys lots of them.
A recent article in The Atlantic notes that we’re spending $300 billion dollars per year for defense spending. That’s more, by the way, adjusted for inflation, than we spent at any time for the Vietnam war.
So the solution, of course, is not to cut spending or prioritize expenditures, but to reform taxes.
The “painless” solution noted above is painless only in that the reforms are designed to pinch those where political rebellion will be minimized. That means that we’re talking about doing away with IRA accounts, deleting the Investment Tax Credit that is largely responsible for saving St. Louis’ neighborhoods, and cutting out some interest deductions.
The tax animals — sacred cows and fat cats — are naturally exempt from the changes.
Well, in the best tradition of In Your Ear, I’ve been thinking. Yes, I know that’s a dangerous job, but somebody’s got to do it. We’ve taxed bodies, landowners, consumers, and money-changers through our history, why not tax things that make sense? It’s so logical, no wonder the government never thought of it.
In lieu of the present taxes, I propose that we develop a tax system based on those nasty social habits we’ve all acquired. Here’s my proposal, then. I think we should tax: 1) Unread books. That’s right, not just books, but unread books. How many unread books do you have beside your bedside and on your shelves?
I know that I have lots, from Henry Kissinger’s White House Years to C.P. Snow’s The Masters to Smythe’s You, Too, Can Take Off Disgusting Pounds, Fatty and Jimmy Carter’s Why A Second Term Is Inevitable. There’s no reason for us to have all of those unread books and, besides, this tax might cause us to read more. 2) Uncut lawns. Nothing looks worse than a shabby, leafy lawn (unless it’s a shabby, leafy porch …). Think of how nice this would make neighborhoods look and how many jobs it would create for neighborhood urchins and at the Toro factories across the country 3) Polyester Suits. Enough said. 4) Junk mail.
The senders, the junquers, should be taxed for every bit of unsolicited mail that they send to us, the junquees. 5) Thin people. I never exactly knew what it was about Reubens’ art that I liked until I started counting calories. I think that an “Ectomorph Tax” could do wonders for the fast food industry. Think of the rise that would occur in Dunkin’ Donut stock! 6) Unmatched socks.
This is a major social ill that can be easily avoided with just a bit of forethought and effort. I, for example, always have a safety pin in one of my socks so that I can wed them together when I take them off.
After all; nothing is worse than seeing some nattily dressed person wearing two different colors, or slightly different hues or dissimilar patterns. 7) Stalled cars at the Skinker and Forest Park Expressway intersection. There’s not a day that goes by when somebody isn’t stuck there! I propose that any car stalled at that intersection for more than 90 seconds be forced to immediately pay $1,000 in taxes or turn over their car, whichever is worth more (experience suggests that it will be the $1,000). Cars stopped here to pick up carry-out food would have the tax tripled. 8) Cigarettes. Foul cigarette smoke can ruin the finest cooked Hostess Twinkie. Cigar smoke, on the other hand, always produces a fine aroma and keeps away mosquitoes to boot.
To be fair, I’d suggest a tax rebate for cigar smokers. 9) Shoes which haven’t been worn since the last U.S. presidential election. Regular readers of In Your Ear (that’s you, Mom) will note that last month I talked about my wife’s and Imelda Marcos’ rivalry to see who could own the most shoes.
Well, it turns out that at the recent Rags to Riches sale, my wife sold none of her shoes, but purchased seventeen pairs.
Well, it could be worse, I guess. Of the thirty-four shoes she bought, twelve are actually matched to form six pairs and three of these pairs are her size and that’s a better ratio than usual. 10) People who call in to radio talk shows.
If there’s something more banal than these radio shows, I can’t imagine it (unless it’s a televised radio talk show, i.e. Phil Donahue).
If nobody would call these yokels, there’d be no such shows.
The only thing worse than the people who call are those who call and then say, “Am I on the air?” (a comment surpassed in ughness only by “Attention K-Mart shoppers …”). Yep, that’s my list. Forget taxing investments, income, gifts, and gasoline. Let’s go after what keeps this country from being as great as it can be: unread books, polyester, radio wacko-smackos, cigarettes, unmatched socks, stalled cars and the like.
If all these evils were taxed, those of us who lead good clean lives would be able to keep some of our hard-earned take-home pay. What would I do with the extra money, you ask? Simple, I’d buy some more books to read whenever I get time …
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, July 1986.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1986_07.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
