Historical April–May 2004 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
There aren’t many things about which I know a great deal, but tshirts are one of them. Or maybe I should say “t-shirts are lots of them.” You see, since early youth – which gets further away each year – I have been a t-shirt afficionado. Before t-shirts were IN, I was into them.
I wore t-shirts, that is, exterior t-shirts, those that are colored with messages, not the white underwear type, before they were fashionable.
Now bear in mind, dear reader, I’ve never been considered a fashion horse.
I mean, I never owned a Nehru jacket, I never wore bell-bottom pants, and the only necklace I wore held dog-tags when I was on active duty in the U.S. of A. Army.
I never knew that green and pink clashed.
I always think that patterns are good, the more the merrier.
If I relied on my sartorial splendor to succeed, I would be in deep trouble. (Fortunately, I’ve always found success due to my hirsute appearance.) In fact, the only thing about me which is fashionable (and, I must say, it is quite fashionable) is my array of ties.
I have ties for more than every occasion, ties which will clash with just about anything, ties which will light up a dark room and ties which will turn a sunny day into deep gloom.
I have wide ties, thin ties, thinner ties, and ties which make noises.
My ties will remain fodder for a future column, though, because, proceeding alphabetically, I want to write about t-shirts.
The t-shirt fashion phenomena is fairly new.
As recently as 10-12 years ago, t-shirts were only worn by jocks. That meant that they all had athletic signage on them.
In my closet (I don’t throw away anything; my fraternity pin is next to my 8th grade graduation ribbons), I still have t-shirts that say: • Ron’s Bar & Grill • Sig Tau Choppers • Thurmer’s Hot Franks and Cold Brew Then, a decade or so ago, for whatever reason, t-shirts became the IN thing. Maybe it was due to Bo Jackson wearing that tight black T in the commercials. Maybe it was due to Farah Fawcett wearing, oh, never mind. Or maybe it was due to Dick Cheney wearing the “I’m with stupid” t-shirt when he first appeared next to George Bush.
In any case, weather permitting, t-shirts are now fashion statements. You can adorn your body with sayings, proverbs, advertisements, encomiums, photos, and, of course, political statements. They’re like tattoos only slightly less painful and muchly less permanent.
I was in DisneyWorld not too long ago, purely for research purposes, and I kept a tally of the kinds of t-shirts people wear.
I mean, if DisneyWorld isn’t representative of the population at large, what would be, the Republican Convention? Anyway, for most of three days I situated myself at a key place in the Magic Kingdom, just to the left of Dumbo, laptop in hand, and I took notes.
I recorded the t-shirt categories that entered the park.
I used a chi-square analysis to determine which patterns were truly significant.
My WashU research training is still with me; finally, that tuition was well worth it! So what did I learn?
First, I learned that after three days, even Dumbo gets old. Second, I learned that no matter how good popcorn is, after nine consecutive meals of buttered corn and ice cream, it loses its taste. By the end of day two, I was hurting gastronomically, looking for anything redeeming. Even so, however, I turned down a Pooh Corn Dog (a name that was quite apt) and a Goofy Hot Dog.
I was tempted by the Minnie Nachos but was close enough to the kitchen that I could see how they were prepared.
After watching the work in the kitchen, the popcorn didn’t seem so bad.
My research took place in the middle of a Florida summer and I, never fully preparing for the elements, was wearing my long-sleeve plaid wool work shirt, dark jeans, a Cardinals cap, and a rain jacket just in case. So there I was, layered, kerneled up, slightly sunburned, resembling, no doubt, Tom Selleck in a microwave.
I must have lost 10 pounds over the three days just due to sweating – did I also mention that I was wearing safety gloves? – but that’s OK, I’m still far from emaciated.
My next goal is to write a book, The Kernel Diet.
I figure that if nothing else, people in the military will buy it. Anyway, almost everyone entering the Magic Kingdom was wearing a t-shirt. That doesn’t include the staff, of course, or the Florida ballot-counters.
The former group wore shortsleeve brown shirts, not unlike those used in the Park Service.
They had crew-cuts too and marched in unison. At least I think they work for the Park Service!
The latter group, fat cat Repubs all, wore gaudy jewelry, conscripted nation pearls, and diamonds the size of knuckles.
The ballot-counters’ shirts all had little elephants on them.
They had so much money to spend that they were almost giddy. One trim lady with blood-red toe-nails and a name-tag that said Katherine Harris wore a personalized tanktop.
It said, “I’m not worried about the $500,000,000,000 deficit. Your kids will pay for it, you working-stiff, you.” The guy who accompanied her, smoking a Cuban cigar and wearing a Bush-Thomas – ‘04 button, had a polo shirt with “I’m rich and I gain from the elimination of the Death Tax. You don’t, but you don’t know it, dope!” But everyone else who entered the Kingdom was in a t-shirt. Tshirts were worn by young people, old people, fat and thin people, and Democrats.
The Republicans were in furs and pin-striped suits, even in the Magic Kingdom, but why not?
They all sold short their Martha Stewart, Inc. stock. So what do these shirts say? Basically, after much research and even more popcorn, I’ve learned that t-shirts come in five main categories.
These categories allow us to shout our beliefs, brag about our conquests, and cue up for the salvation line. Remember, a t-shirt is not something you wear; a t-shirt is a statement.
It is a chance to proselytize, persuade, brag, and defy. Based on a whole lot of research – survey results, interviews, observation, and flipping coins, here then are the categories: 1. Religious t-shirts.
I realize that t-shirts aren’t mentioned in the Bible. (I guess that means that Bush can’t support them, right?) Anyway, Bible or not, it’s clear that a lot of Religious zealots (was that redundant?) feel that they can get an edge to the Pearly Gates by wearing a t-shirt that speaks to their faith. It’s as if St. Peter will actually read the shirt before he passes judgment on them! You know, you can cheat and steal and plunder – be a Republican – but as long as your shirt is a testimony to your faith, you’re into the eternal Ted Drewes.
My favorite religious shirts were: • My God is the right one, sorry about yours • Christ died for my sins. Let’s party! • God, she’s the real deal 2. Tourist t-shirts.
These are shirts which proclaim where someone has been. Or at least where someone they know has been. Or maybe where they’d like to have gone.
My favorites here were: • Cruise Carnival and buy souvenirs from poor people • Visit Kansas and the rest of the world is exciting • Poverty, been there and too bad. Vote Republican! 3. In-your-face statements. • Martha and O. J. are innocent and the Supreme Court is apolitical • My Hummer is bigger than yours • Hooray for the new downtown stadium. Boo to health care and schools 4. Brags. • My kid is on the honor roll despite heredity • My modesty is warranted • I’m with stupid (also worn by Colin Powell when he accompanied Bush) 5. Jockola. • St. Louis Rams – the best team money can buy • I’m with stupid (also worn by a fireplug next to Bush) • NHL hockey: It’s fighting on skates, no more and no less So there you have it, you wouldbe fashion-plate you.
Now you know as much about t-shirt fashion as Tommy Hilfinger, Sylvester Stallone, Nicole Kidman, or Ebenezer Scrooge. Oh yeah, if you want to be a t-shirt trend-setter you can always be the first on your block to get a dark green Hillary ‘08 shirt.
They are selling like hot cakes. You heard it here first. Next month’s topic: Hybrid cars, lunar landings, and lasagne.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2004.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2004_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
