Historical September–October 2004 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
What’s happening to us?
I mean, the constants in life are like sand are shifting and moving under our feet. It’s hard to know where to put your trust.
It used to be that carbohydrates were meaningless, Russia was a major force in world politics, and our president was wise. Boy, how things have changed. Locally, look back just a score of years and the differences are astounding. Today there are too many local governments, political leaders are being assailed for questions of conflict of interest, suburban sprawl is costing everyone, too many students are leaving schools unprepared, health care costs are rising at an alarming rate, and there are questions about the viability of our local airline. Oh, wait a minute, did I say 20 years ago or was I talking about today? Hmmmm. OK, to be fair, there are changes. Look at the Delmar East Loop, for example. Or look at the great loft apartments being built downtown. Or look at cable television, found in almost every home. (On second thought, given the programming, don’t look at cable television.) Yes, Aunt Mary Lou, like it or not, society is changing.
But because we’re on this train while it’s moving, we often don’t see the differences, even though they’re there. And no where are these changes more obvious than in our relationship to major league baseball (MLB).
This worries me because without MLB to obsess us, we might have to get serious about government reform or our responsibilities to the less fortunate in our society.
Now there’s a scary thought! Here’s what I mean. Are you a baseball fan? Probably not; I knew it. OK, you may follow baseball, particularly the Cardinals. Given their performance this year, it’s hard not to be a fan.
But I am willing to bet that you’re not a zealous fan, regardless of their performance this or any year.
If you’re a sports fan – which statistically, most of us are, almost as many women as men – baseball is likely not among your top sports. You may have played baseball and probably did play softball; heck, you may still pick up an old leather glove and bat and trek to some park on a regular basis. You’ve had your share of base-hits and missed fly balls, you’ve skinned your knees sliding, and you’ve eaten a hot dog and drank a cold one at a game. Or maybe you’ve watched a child play tball or softball or baseball in an endless competition, walk followed by error followed by walk followed by error. Is it time to go home yet? Thank Heaven for the 10-run rule. (Why isn’t there a 10-run rule in life? That would certainly simplify things.) But I’ll guarantee you the purchase price of this fine newspaper that you don’t attend as many Cardinal games as you used to, that you don’t eagerly check the local listings to see when the Cards or on the tube, and that you don’t pour through the newspaper account of yesterday’s game. And this is when they’re winning madly! Baseball, among all major sports, is the only one hemorrhaging.
I don’t consider hockey a major sport so won’t deal with it here. Suffice it to say that when fist-fights and violence are integral to the game, one has to ask ‘Just what is the game?’ (Noted social observer Rodney Dangerfield put it best years ago when he said, “I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.” Thanks, Rodney.) While the NFL’s television ratings are flat, every Sunday is sold out and the networks still pay mega-bucks for broadcasting rights.
The NBA is a-flying high and has evolved to become an amalgam of hip-hop, lacrosse, ballet, high-jump, MTV, and The Sopranos. There’s no doubt that professional basketball players possess the best combination of speed and agility.
A close second to them are the people who stand in the middle of busy traffic intersections, selling pretzels or candy. And then there’s major league baseball, MLB. It’s been in decline for years now. Unlike the NFL or NBA, the rules for baseball were created shortly after the Civil War, and simply haven’t kept pace with our changing world. Actually, and this is the chief problem, given the pace of the game, I should say “And… then… there’s… major… league… base… ball…” Talk about slow. Think frozen molasses. Think frozen molasses flowing uphill. Get the picture, Major Pita? Unlike the NFL and NBA, both of which were 20th century inventions and both of which found true success post-Viet Nam, baseball was invented before there was television, automobiles, or, gasp, microwave ovens. Indeed, professional baseball was played when the streets of Skinker DeBaliviere were simply pastures far beyond the western boundary of St. Louis.
The famous 1904 World’s Fair wasn’t even a dream when baseball was born. OK, so we now understand the problem. Like rotary-dial phones, typewriters, bell-bottom pants, and voting being a privilege for white males only, baseball represents yesterday.
There are 10-13 players on the field at a time, and one player throws a ball to another player who swings a bat.
The ball is in play, the players are moving, for maybe 10 or 15 seconds, then everything settles again for a minute until the next pitch is thrown. Or maybe it’s a minute or two. Honestly, if you have some deadly disease and want to extend your life, attend baseball games. You won’t really last any longer but sitting through inning after inning after inning, it will feel like you’re living forever. So what can be done?
If you assume that some good emanates from having a thriving MLB team in a city- some amount of economic activity is generated, there’s a bit of positive community identity when the team wins, building a new stadium is more important than the quality of education or health care (alright, so we’ll accept two out of three) – then something must be done to save baseball from itself.
This is an important issue to me; time alone in one’s cell allows for deep thought, so I’ve pondered it a great deal. I’m not talking about adding high-amplified rock music or actual fireworks before the game, or, even, Hooters waitresses in the aisles. No, I’m talking significant and meaningful changes that get to the essence of the game and bring it into the twenty-first century. What follows are five practical suggestions, one for each inning, for making MLB a hot-ticket item once again. (‘Five, one for each inning?’ you wonder? Just wait.) 1.
The game should represent the face of America. That is, every team should not only have a range of skin colors, which it already does, it should be gender-neutral too. Half of the players should be women.
There are women’s baseball teams in high school and college, so why not continue and have them on the MLB teams?
Now it’s true that men tend to be bigger, stronger, and faster, so we need to do a bit of social engineering here. By lottery, half of the team would be filled by a woman; by lottery, before each game, half of the starting lineup must be occupied by a woman.
This will have to increase both the grace of the game and its interest; hopefully women won’t start chewing tobacco and scratching their crotches. (In the interests of full disclosure, I must note that while men tend to be bigger, stronger, and faster, women tend to be smarter, more sensitive, and kinder. That has to help any organization. Plus they’re better cooks.) 2. Move the bases closer together.
When you consider how airlines and automobiles have shortened distances, why shouldn’t this happen in baseball too? Instead of bases being 90 feet apart, make them only 60 feet from one another.
A couple of things would happen.
First, hitting and scoring would go WAY up. Everyone wants to see offense and runs scored, so this would be ideal.
With the closer bases, a team would score 20-25 runs a game.
The typical player’s batting average would increase by 300 or so points; a major leaguer averaging .666 wouldn’t be unreasonable. Albert Pujols might go weeks without making an out. Second, with the bases this close to home plate, the third-baseman and first-basemen would need to wear a chest protector and face mask, just like the catcher. Watching linedrives being hit at these positions would definitely keep the game interesting (if a bit masochistic). 3.
In order to keep games under two and one-half hours, since teams are scoring 20-25 runs a game, games are reduced to five innings.
The seventh inning stretch is now the third inning stretch (and is needed because 15 runs have already been scored and people are tired of sitting).
This might also translate to fewer commercials, not a bad thing. 4. Base-running directions are changed.
In odd-numbered innings, things stay the way that they are now: a batter who hits the ball runs to his right, proceeding counter-clockwise along the bases.
However, under my new bring-the-life-back-to-baseball approach, in even-numbered innings, a batter who hits the ball will run clockwise, going initially to third base, then to second, and then to first. Not only will having base runners go in different directions make the game balanced and visually more appealing, it will change what is required of players.
Each side of the infield will be the same and players will need to learn to be dexterous to their right and left. Plus, and here’s the kicker, human nature being what it is (especially among, ahem, people who are not playing MLB because of their high IQ), invariably someone will forget and run in the wrong direction after hitting the ball or while on base. You’d have players passing one another, crossing over, and changing directions.
A little unpredictability never leads to boredom. 5. Immobilize a player. Speaking of unpredictability, this last suggestion is a real winner. Of the four focus groups to which I presented my ideas, this one was the overwhelming favorite.
Each of six players in the field, excluding the pitcher, catcher, and first-basemen (or third basemen in even numbered innings), wears a red light-bulb on top of his/her cap.
As the pitcher prepares to deliver the ball to home plate, a computer program randomly selects one of these six players; the players’ light begins to flash and s/he receives a mild buzz.
The light signals everyone else and the buzz signifies the player that for this particular pitch, s/he can only take a maximum of one step in either direction. Beyond that, s/he is frozen in place.
On some pitches, this won’t make any difference. That’s because either the batter doesn’t swing, the pitch is fouled off, or the ball is hit to someone else and the player whose light is flashing isn’t involved in the play in any way.
On other pitches, the ball is hit nearby a flashing light player (FLP, as they are called) but s/he can only take one step and streeeeetch.
The ball becomes a base hit or the FLP is forced to make an acrobatic play. Much of life, including success in baseball, is about luck and this would simply put luck on the table for all to see. Think of how exciting this would be to watch.
As soon as the pitcher starts his/her windup, everyone looks to see whose light is flashing.
I can hear Mike Shannon broadcasting this, ‘Morris is on the mound and begins his windup. Oh yes! Edmonds’ light in centerfield is flashing.
I sure hope that Bonds doesn’t hit the ball there! Ol’ Abner has done it again!’ I rest my case, dear reader. Any of these changes can bring MLB back to the prominence it once held. Instead of kids wanting to be like Mike or saving money to buy a LeBron jersey or pretending they’re Marshall Faulk, they would aspire to be the Cardinals’ Scott Rollins or Caroline Kline.
My changes don’t cost any money, they just make the game a bit more with-it, a bit more sensitive to our culture.
I can hardly wait to go to the new stadium and see a game played under these new rules. Souvenir vendors, I have no doubt, will be selling Cardinal hats with flashing light bulbs on them.
In a future column, I will offer equally practical and pragmatic suggestions for revising Metro Link construction, the Supreme Court, and the unruly lines in front of Ted Drewes Frozen Custard Stand.
These changes are long overdue.
I mean, doesn’t it amaze you that George W. Bush is President because of Diana Ross? What? Oh, it was the Supreme Court? Never mind.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2004.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2004_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
