Historical September–October 2005 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
You know, although it’s only fall, I feel a bit under the gun.
We would-be writers vary in lots of ways, but we are always procrastinators.
In fact, I originally planned to write about this problem some months ago.
I really meant to! You see, I’m already anticipating writing my column for the April issue of The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere. Veteran readers (that’s a euphemism for “old people”) will remember that this is the issue for which I write a phoney, outlandish story in an attempt to fool the neighborhood denizens (that’s you). Years ago, perhaps my penultimate favorite, I wrote about parking being banned on all local streets. Yep, believe it or not, someone believed it. No not; they did.
Then I wrote about an amusement park being built in Kingsbury Square, complete with a giant Ferris wheel.
I mean, how outlandish is that?
But yep, some fell for that one too.
I am not, as Dave Barry would say, making this up. Well, I am making this up, but I’m not making that up. You know what I mean.
My all-time favorite, though, was when I wrote about Skinker Avenue being closed.
I mean, here’s the major north-south thoroughfare from Kingshighway to Lindbergh, and people really thought it would be closed!
To be fair, photographer/artist King Schoenfeld did some camera artistry, so the article had a photo, and it really looked like the street would close.
But still, can you believe that people, a lot of them, believed it? Our alderman got several calls about this from outraged residents. He, not knowing what was going on (shame, he hadn’t read his issue!) called the City street department to object, and was told that “Yes, there was a contingency plan for this, but nothing has happened yet.” Go figure.
Here it is just fall and I’m dreading writing what is usually my favorite column. “Why, Hawkeye?” you wonder as you peer over you cup of morning java. It’s simple.
There is no way that I can write anything that will be more foolish than reality. That’s always a bit the case, but it’s big time now.
All we need to do is look a bit south at the Metro expansion. How can we describe it? Try behind schedule and over budget. Other than that, everything is fine. And then there was the planned minor closing of Skinker (honest, I didn’t make it up!) for, what, five days?
I lost track of the time that the street was closed, but it was two weekends, maybe three. (An internal source tells me that the street was actually finished much earlier, but they had to tear it up and start over. Really.
I mean really!) Writing something about Metro for the April Fool’s issue would be easy, too easy.
But what is the likelihood that I’d write it and then, three months later, it would be true!?! Gasp. So I already know that I need to leave Metro alone.
I know, once it’s over, we’ll be glad; that’s how I feel about adolescence.
Then I look east, to Busch Stadium. Wow, where to start on that one? Can you envision me writing an April Fool’s article a couple of years ago that said something like “Busch Stadium is in fine shape and muchly-revered, but it has a problem. You see, the owners could make more money from a new stadium, one with luxury boxes, so they are going to tear it down and build a new one”? I’d end with “April Fool’s, gotcha!” and you’d have rolled your eyes and said, “That Hawkeye, he’s really something. Where in the world does he get these crazy ideas? Who would want to do that and why would we support it?” Of course, here we are, a few short years later, and guess what? Yep, that perfectly good stadium is being razed so that the owners can have a new one and make more money.
To be fair, we are paying less tax money than they initially wanted, but to be even more fair, we’re paying way more than if it wasn’t being built.
It ain’t free to you and me. And let me make one really, really safe prediction: In the year 2035 or thereabouts, the then-owners of the Cardinals will need a new stadium. They’ll threaten to move, by then to Panama City or Honolulu or Guilin. (The stadium retro design will be out, so they’ll probably want something modern, perhaps a circular shape that reflects the arch in the roof design.) Sorry, I flitted and veered there a sec. Anyway, my point is that I can’t predict something like the perfectly good Busch Stadium being torn down and a new one built as an April Fool’s joke. OK, so then I’d write something, as long as I’m on this sports path, about the Cardinals leaving KMOX radio for some obscure station with a signal that barely reaches Hanley Road. “April Fool’s,” I’d end it, and you’d groan and say, “Hawkeye, what a clever fellow he is. Such wild ideas!” But if I wanted to be a bit less City-centric, I might write something about our esteemed president, George W. Bush.
Now let me see, what could I say about him that would serve as a good April Fool’s joke? Five years ago I might have said that he was elected president and you’d have responded, wisely, “Nope. Given his background, speaking skills, and intelligence, no way, Hawkeye.” Thanks to Katherine Harris and the Supremes, though, that’s water under, over, and through the damn. I’ve got it! Imagine me suggesting that the most powerful person in the world, the person who has, after all, a degree from Yale and an MBA, to boot, believes in Intelligent Design. Yep, that’s right, I’d tell you that our president, the man in whose hands we place the future of our country, the free world, and our planet, doesn’t believe in evolution. He’s willing to ignore Darwin’s theory and disagree with all the scientists whose IQ scores are higher than their body temperatures. “No,” you’d say, “that can’t be true. Even W. is smarter than that! You didn’t fool me on this one, Hawkeye.” Alas. So you can see my dilemma, dear reader. April is some months away but it’s clear that if I’m going to fool you, I have to have to really stretch to say something so ridiculous and foolish that it hasn’t already happened. That’s getting harder and harder. Hey, I wonder what’s going on with these days with Michael Jackson?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2005.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2005_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
