Historical December 1996 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
OK, trusty reader, it’s that time of year again. HO, HO, HO. Or if you’re standing facing backwards, OH, OH, OH.
The holiday season is upon us and no matter where we turn we can’t escape the hoopla and hustle. Buy this and buy that.
I haven’t seen so many byes since a train of soldiers left town. (Get it???) By now, of course, you’ve bought all of the presents for your loved ones. And your liked ones too.
If you’re like the Hawkeye — somehow after the recent presidential campaign I keep referring to myself in the third person — you have had those presents for months.
After all, the Hawkeye has had the first wife’s presents, her new shoes, all nine pair, since August when Mar mi’s sent the cab to bring him to their sale. And he’s had John-Boy’s new egg-cup since early summer.
But because you read this fine tabloid, of course, the Hawkeye knows that you don’t procrastinate and are on top of things. Of course. But, you little rascal, you probably haven’t purchased your gifts for the local celebrities, right? Family, liked, .and loved ones are one thing, but who’s going to buy something for a politician or media type in June?
With special prosecutors here and there, not to mention Jerry Berger’s column, who can predict who will still be in office at year end? So, dear reader, you waited. And now since time is of the essence, here are some gift suggestions for the nefarious notables in our neighborhood. Since many of the gifts probably go beyond your (and the Hawkeye’s) expense account, if you’d like to have your name on the card just send your $5 or $10 check to The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere and we’ll be sure to include your name. ‘Cause here’s what we’re getting for those famous fames.
For Marit Clark – A membership to E.M.I.L.Y. You may have heard about E.M.I.L.Y., a Washington-based group whose name is an acronym standing for early Money Is Like Yeast. E.M.I.L.Y. raises funds for female political candidates across the country.
It funds selected candidates, the premise being that early money helps them seem viable and enables them to raise more money. Given the relationship of money to winning elections, sort of like the relationship between oxygen and breathing, fund-raising is awfully important: Unfortunately, for her anyway, Clark was never able to raise enough money to mount a mayoral challenge.
For Karen Foss – Mandatory membership in A.A.R.P., the American Association of Retired People. No, the Hawkeye doesn’t want her to retire; she reads the teleprompter as well as anyone else.
He just wants her to begin to show her must-be-advancing years! Hawkeye has been watching her since the football Cardinals were losing every Sunday. Hmmrnm, the more things change the more they stay the same! Anyway, somehow even though we all age, she doesn’t seem to get that much older. Hawkeye can’t figure it out. Sure she dyes her hair, works out daily, has a personal trainer, eats properly, takes mega-doses of vitamins, vacations at health farms, and has a plastic surgeon on retainer.
But the Hawkeye does all these things too and he certainly doesn’t look like her!
For Freeman Bosley – A giant rug, big enough to cover the Arena or maybe even Forest Park. Yep, you’ve guessed it, Mr. Piano Keys needs a rug that big to hide all of the administrative scandals and incompetence that have occured in his office that he wants to sweep under it. Since he’s been in office, living in St. Louis is like being part of a movie, “The Three Stooges Run City Hall!” He didn’t appoint Virvus, that’s true, but that’s about the only mistake he didn’t make. Hey, someone somewhere told me that he even recommended that the Rams draft Lawrence Phillips. And after all, he did draft Assessor Dennis Hill. Go figure!
For the executives at our lovely TCI Cable operation – nice trip to the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico. That’s because with technology soon to come into our homes through phone wires, regular electric wires, and even through the air (this troubles Hawkeye because he still can’t figure out how a 747 can fly!), the cable folks are about to become endangered species of the communications industry.
These do-do birds will soon be a rude vestige of the past. And why Mexico? Because, we say to them, “Yucatan on the beach and enjoy this trip because soon cable t.v. will be like the buggy whip and you’ll be working for Bill Gates or Ted Turner. Or Jane Fonda.” Won’t it be great to have scores more of channels offering reruns of programs that you never watched in their prime?
For Clarence Harmon – A pair of binoculars so that when he is elected Mayor he can have some vision and see around the corner, something that has been lacking for the last three years. At this point [‘d take ANY corner. Think Hawkeye is being too critical? Hmmm, let’s talk about it as we walk across the park and see the work that is being done to develop the old Arena site. Or maybe you’re rather check the financial oversight that was done for the Midnight Basketball league. And how about our wonderful riverfront development? It’s too bad that Baltimore or Boston or San Antonio can’t capitalize on their waterfronts the way we have ours.
For Rich Brooks – No one ever said coaching the Rams would be easy. And to his credit he has handled the poor play and losses with dignity. Losing with dignity isn’t the goal, however.
For Rich we get two small signs.
The first, posted on his bathroom mirror so that he’ll see it every morning, says, “They may be making millions of bucks but emotionally they’re still children.” The second sign, to be posted on the inside of the front door, simply says, “Don’t send out your laundry or sign any long-term leases.”
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, December 1996.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1996_12.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
