Original printed byline: Hawkeye Z. Hoerr
Historical April–May 2012 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
One only need look around and see that our neighborhood is rife with sewer problems. Practically every year someone’s lawn is being torn up because there is a need to replace the pipe running from the house to the street. Homeowners are responsible for this fee. Further, most of us are familiar with basement drains backing up and flooding basements during heavy rains. It’s the same issue.
While occasionally the amount of water may exceed the sewer’s capacity, far more often the problem is that the sewer line has collapsed and has impeded the release of water.
The only recourse is to dig and replace the 1908 pipes.
In the early 1900’s, plumbers and contractors thought that clay pipes would last forever.
To be fair, they didn’t have today’s materials at their disposal, so perhaps they made the best choice. It’s been speculated that the clay used to make the pipes in our neighborhood is particularly porous, and more likely to break or collapse.
In any case, the underground pipes in our neighborhood are collapsing routinely.
This is more than an inconvenience or wet basement issue: Collapsed sewers cannot transport sewage from underneath our homes, and thus we have a health problem. City health officials say that the contact air from dormant sewage can infiltrate the air, causing respiratory problems, influenza, and headaches. Consequently, effective July 1, 2012, each single-family home in Skinker-DeBaliviere will have a $100 sewer surcharge each month.
These funds will go specifically to replacing sewer lines.
The City will begin working where the pipes are already broken, and the hope is to replace every underground sewer by 2019.
An aldermanic bill has been filed to make these costs a tax so they can be deducted from state and federal taxes, but it is not clear whether this is legal. Circuit Judge Michael Miasma hopes to have a ruling by June. Multi-family residences will be assessed $100 per rental unit. Does this sound familiar? Do you have broken pipes? What’s this about porous clay? Well, dear reader, if your blood is boiling that means you’ve fallen for our April Fool’s issue! Yep, this is all made up.
There is no $100 per month charge. Hawkeye tried to pull your leg. Did he succeed?
Original photograph caption
Sewer excavation photograph illustrating an explicitly fictional April Fool’s story; photograph itself not evidence of claimed surcharge.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2012.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2012_04.pdf, printed page(s) 1; PDF page(s) 1.
