Historical May 1994 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
It’s May and that means that it’s time to plan that long-awaited SUMMER VACATION. Yep, Karl Marx was right: we toil for 50 weeks, putting in long hours of hard labor, just to get a couple of weeks off to enjoy ourselves. Groucho Manx was right too: It’s harder to do what used to come easy. And I suspect that Harpo Marx was right as well, but who knows?
We look forward to that vacation as if it will solve all of our problems.
We can put up with the huinidity of the summer, the chills of winter, the doldrums of February, and the boss’ grouchiness because soon we’ll have two weeks to do our thing. That’s “our thing,” given the inevitably constraints of time, money, and legality.
These two weeks are going to have to last us for a while, probably until we start carving the turkey in November. return to work with at least two weeks of chaos awaiting us. pink slips indicating phone messages upon pink slips upon pink slips. Just once I’d like to get a pink slip with a phone message saying “So-and-so called and when they found out you weren’t in, they said, ‘never mind, it’s not that important anyway.” No, everyone’s message is important; each query demands a response. So by 11:00 a.m. on the Monday after vacation, I know that I’ll be already thinking about the next vacation, only eleven-plus months away. Given the preciousness of these two vacation weeks, In Your Ear, in its ,advice-giving tradition, offers some helpful hints for enjoying your time away from work. Bear in mind, however, that in the past, In Your Ear has also offered tips on how to prevent flooding in the midwest, things that Charles and Dianna can do to preserve their royal marriage, and ways to elevate the intellectual dialogue among local politicians. So as you can see, our track record is little better than Elizabeth Taylor’s.
But taking credit for perseverance, here we go again! Tips For The Family Vacation I. Try to cram everything you didn’t do during the rest of the year into this two-week window; after all, you have to wait another 50 weeks for another shot! So, for example, if you enjoy fine dining and eating out, cat out every meal. Between breakfast at Denny’s and dinner at the Painted Plates, squeeze in a lunch at Applebee’s. And since after your first day them are only thirteen days left, why not start having mid-morning brunches and late afternoon teas?
A tea doesn’t require actually drinking tea, so you could have a beer and onion rings at Blueberry Hill and count it as a tea. And your mid-morning brunch could be something as simple as a White Castle or two to clear the palate. 2. Take this opportunity to get some physical exercise. So what if you’ve been a couch potato!
In these two weeks you can probably lose 15-20 pounds and get yourself back in fighting shape.
I recommend a pre-dawn early morning jog, maybe on the way to Denny’s.
After that, say at 9:30 or so, stop by the Y and spend a half an hour or so on their weight machines. Mid-afternoon might see you doing some roller-blading in Forest Park (don’t forget that helmet!), and an evening aerobics workout to a Jane Fonda or Willard Scott tape would round out the day (no pun intended). Oh yes, don’t forget to take the pooch for a run, and never mind that leash! It’s your park. too! 3. Between the eating and exercising. you might feel a bit overbooked, or tired, but no matter.
After the first week. you only have seven days left, so there’s no time to lose. Whether you’re staying in town or visiting another metropolis, you have to go to the Art Museum. Oh, I’m not suggesting you actually sec art (after all, this is your vacation), but you must stop by the gift shop. Every art museum, everywhere, has these great little inexpensive trinkets that you can buy and give to people throughout the year. Whether they’re Rcmbrandt pencils or Van Gogh coffee mugs or Rubens placemats, the message to the recipient is that you’re cultured.
It doesn’t matter that they don’t need, want, or like the pencils, mugs, or placemats.
After all, gift-giving is about the impression you leave, not the joy they get. Is this a great country, or what??? 4.
After the art museum, make sure you go to the local zoo. Every city has a zoo, and it’s usually pretty cheap to take the family there. Where else, after all, can you watch other living things being bored to death while in captivity? (No fair counting schools and prisons!) If the day at the zoo gets a little boring, try running into the crowd yelling. “‘lilt: LIONS ARE LOOSE, ‘DIE LIONS ARE 1.00.81ifir That’s not the same as yelling “fire” in a crowded theater, so who could be upset? It’s great fun to see the crowd scatter and panic ensue. And heck, just maybe the lions really are loose and you’ll be a hero! 5. Don’t use any sun-tan lotion. Sun-tan lotion has always been a bit of a mystery to me.
I mean, people want to get out in the sun to get a tan because they think that they look better and everyone else will know they’ve been somewhere and that they’re not worried about skin cancer, and then they use sun-tan lotion to keep the tan from showing so that they won’t look better and people won’t know they’ve been anywhere and they won’t get skin cancer. Whew!
I haven’t written a run-on sentence that bad since the fifth grade when I wrote about how many angels could dance on the head of a pin. Anyway, why use sun-tan lotion and defeat the purpose of getting in the sun??? Give me a break! So yes, go to the zoo, roll up those shirt-slaves, do not use ally kind of lotion, and see how quickly you can get your skin to turn to a nice dark pink, the kind you see in a rare steak.
Now I warn you, it’s just possible that this may not feel too great. That’s OK, make one of your five or six meals an ice cream, and buy a second one to rub on your skin. It’s a might sticky, but awfully cool. And if the family pooch is traveling with you, taking care of the sticky feeling on your skin will be no problem. Remember, it’s the pooch’s vacation too. Woof! 6. Don’t plan ahead. There’s nothing to lose the pleasure of a vacation like over-planning. And, after all, you have to spend most of your regular life planning, so why do it on vacation? Get up, pack a breakfast or two under your belt, load up the car, and start driving.
As a compromise, you may want to pick a general direction, but that’s all that’s necessary. Drive until you’re tired, push yourself another hour or three, and then find a hotel room. You need not worry about having made reservations, after all, this is your vacation. And don’t bother yourself with checking the gas gauge either, that’s what AAA is for. Running out of gas on a lonely highway or sleeping in bus station is a great way to meet new friends. And packing is a breeze: just have all of your clothes be of the same season, and you can mix and match.
I truly hope that you enjoy these vacation tips. Vacations are a special time, so make the most of yours! Oh yes. send me a postcard. I’d love to hear about your respite from the real world.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, May 1994.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1994_05.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
