Historical November–December 2004 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
As you read this column, the dust from the presidential campaign has settled. At least I hope it has settled!
I am writing in midOctober, and my fear is that Florida-Florida-Florida will be replaced by Ohio-Ohio-Ohio or The Return of Chad.
I hope not.
It would be nice to have an election determined by someone other than Diana Ross and her cohorts.
It would be good to know the results of the election by Thanksgiving. Candidates were just at WashU for their debate. Everyone loved it because there was enough evidence to support whatever position you already held. Finding the sound-bite that supports your candidate and shows that the other person is a mouth-breather is what a debate is about, after all.
The debate was almost as interesting as the jack-booted stormtroopers lining the neighborhood streets. No, it’s clear that the debates didn’t change many people’s minds. Indeed, I wonder if they changed any people’s minds?
I keep hearing that it’s the undecided voter who will determine the next president. Undecided? Give me a break! How can anyone be undecided after all these syllables?
I mean, what is there that you need to know that you don’t already know?
The candidates have worked to make their positions as fuzzily clear as possible; more, they’ve worked even harder to make their opponents’ positions even more fuzzy and less clear.
Then there are the off-line advertisements sponsored by the various political groups. Whether it’s the swiftboaties or moveon.org, the airways are choked with information, misinformation, mrsinformation, and mrinformation. Oh yeah, if you regularly watch “Meet the Press,” there’s also drinformation.
We are swimming, make that drowning, in information, some accurate, some inaccurate, and some deceptive; it’s a mishmash that makes the election process quite confusing and tiring. Worse, this advertising avalanche costs millions and millions of dollars.
While the media folks are delighted at the extra revenue it generates for them, the rest of us are (or should be) bothered by the time and energy that candidates have to spend hustling for bucks.
We are (or should be) concerned that candidates listen too much to dollar signs; ca-ching, ca-ching is the slogan of the major parties.
If you think that I’m over-reacting and writing from a nadir of fatigue (not Ralph), check out the voter participation data. Less than half of eligible voters bother to vote, and less than half of those votes result in a winner. Yep, that means that if someone can get 25%, just one-quarter, of the eligible voters to vote for him or her, that’s, as Jack Buck used to say, a winner.
My buddy, Winston Churchill, was right: Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the rest.
But we shouldn’t settle for that standard; this isn’t a pennant race or bake-off.
There simply has to be a better way to select a president. How hard can it be to design a process that is quicker, cheaper, less laden with duplicity, and more likely to increase voter participation?
My contention is that we haven’t done so because we’ve not been creative. We’ve been inhibited by concepts like representative government, democracy, and equity. No wonder it’s so hard!
If we just start from scratch, it should be easy to design a new way to select a president, one that is quicker, cheaper, fairer, and brings a smile to everyone’s face. What follows (drumroll) dear reader, is a far better way to select the Prez of the United States.
This approach is designed to eliminate the ills in the present system.
We should determine the prez by a national lottery.
If this system is a good enough to create instant millionaires, why not use it to determine our president? Just as with the present lottery, people would buy their presidential lottery tickets at quick shops, bars, and grocery stores, and the drawing would take place on live television. It’s 9:55 p.m. and all the channels are televising the drawing.
There stands Pee Wee Herman, selecting the winning balls from the churning machine.
I can see the numbered balls being read aloud to determine who will be the prez: three, one, two, eight, six, three, two, two, four, and then a letter is read to reduce the chance of a tie: D. Someone, somewhere squeals for joy because s/he has been selected as president! What could be more equitable? It’s clear, the PBL (President By Lottery) system has a lot to offer.
The revenues from the presidential lottery tickets would go to support the poor underfunded casino river boat industry. Yes, I realize that the PBL system isn’t perfect. Wealthier people would buy more tickets and increase their chances of winning. That’s no different than it is today though, and, in fact, a poor person would have a far greater chance of becoming president under PBL. Further, under this system, we won’t have to wait until the twenty-second century to have a president who is a female or a person of color. PBL is sounding better all the time, right? Granted, PBL may result in a less proven, less experienced, and more uncertain president. How bad can that be, really? What’s the likelihood that we’d really get a president who is less suited for the job than the incumbent? Plus, more pragmatically, as we’ve seen by the reign of Darth Cheney, as long as the vice-president is in control, does it really matter who the prez is?
I care about this country and want the PBL system to succeed.
As a result, under PBL, the VP is no longer elected; we just can’t leave that decision to chance.
We need to be sure that the VP is someone we trust and someone with the skills necessary to lead our country. What to do? Simple: I get to pick the VP. That’s right, the VP will be chosen by me. Who would be better to make the decision? Objectively, I can’t think of anyone. I’ll take nominations, interview the final 200-300 candidates, and then once the prez is chosen by PBL, I’ll supplement the talents of that person by naming a VP who can balance the ticket. And trust me, I will take each of your needs in consideration when I make the VP selection. Are you interested in being the VP?
If you want to avoid the lastminute crunch, know that I am currently accepting applications for VP for 2008.
Please send your application – just a brief letter of introduction and an explanation of what you will bring to the ticket – to Hawkeye Hoerr, c/o The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere (or contact me directly at trhoerr@AOL.com”. I’ll begin interviews sometime after the mid-term elections. By the way, if you enclose a gift-certificate to Kayak’s Coffee with your application, it will increase your likelihood of getting an interview. Is this a great country, or what?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2004.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2004_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
