Historical October 1986 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Since the beginning of recorded history, mankind has always questioned and asked “Why?” Eons ago it was “What are the elements of the Earth?” “What is the nature of man?” and “How do you clean the inside of a cave?” As centuries passed, man grew increasingly more sophisticated and erudite. Questions of the time were “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” (Honest!
They really wanted to know that) and “If you keep sailing, will you really fall off the edge of the world?” We may think these rather simple questions, but remember, these were the same folks who thought you could cure illness by attaching leeches to people! (Actually, the more things change, the more they are the same.
I know this doctor who thinks you can be cured by having a leech attached to your checkbook …) Next came the Dark Ages when no questions were asked.
Oh, sure, they asked questions, but they were things like, “How do you get to town?” “What’s your name?” and “Buddy, can you spare a peso?” Time marched on (so to speak) and the era of machinery and industry arrived.
Now the questions were “Will the train be here on time?” “Will you have another drink, Mr. Grant?” and “But, why would anyone want to go around the world in 80 days?” – Well, here we are in 1986 and all the questions have been answered, right? Wrong, banana-breath.
There are still lots and lots of unanswered dilemmas and problems which plague mankind.
In the best journalistic tradition, In Your Ear, will pose the important 20 of those questions.
In the best journalistic tradition, also, In Your Ear will in no way attempt to answer the questions. That’s your problem, kid! So, what are they, eh? Here’s the big 20: 1. Perhaps the number one question of today, an issue for presidents, prime ministers, and religious leaders, “How does a microwave oven work?” We all know that the food in there gets hot, but HOW?
After all, the plate doesn’t get hot, so what gives? (If you think this is no big deal, can you imagine the fun they would have had with a microwave at the Salem Witchcraft trials?) 2. Is Bill Cosby really that nice and funny?
He has a great image, but don’t you wonder if, beneath it all, he’s an ogre who rants and raves all the time?
And is he really the funny one or does he just have good writers? 3. Do alkaline batteries really last longer? Are the batteries related to the famed Detroit Tiger rightfielder? 4. What happens to that extra hour when we go to Daylight Savings Time? Are there people in Borneo or someplace who live to be 130 because of all the time that we don’t use? 5. Is Vanna White mute? 6. Is it possible to build a domed stadium that doubles as a health care facility and provides cable television?
If the answer is yes, could we persuade LaDue to be its home? 7. Is Willard Scott ever in a bad mood? Who does his toupee? Does he know anything, anything at all, about the weather? 8. Can you ever truly be too rich or too thin? Could I at least try to find out, personally, about either one? 9.
If a parking meter is broken, why is it illegal to park in the space? 10. Which will come first, a winning Football Cardinal season or a cure for cancer? (Actually, if I were a betting man, I’d put my money on a cure for cancer.) 11. Did we really know about Pearl Harbor beforehand? 12. Why does food always taste better in a restaurant? 13. Does anyone have more shoes than my wife (including Imelda Marcos)? 14.
When are they going to widen Skinker Boulevard? 15.
Now that gasoline is so much cheaper than it used to be, what am I doing with all the money I’m saving? 16.
When will the next gas crisis hit? Who will buy my non-compact car? 17. Do dogs wonder if people think? 18. What does Jerry Lewis do the rest of the year? Who really cares? 19. What is Kit Bond really like? I mean, does he sweat? and, the last major question that haunts mankind: 20. Is the “Admiral” really the reincarnation of the “Santa Maria?” Well, that’s the list.
Now you might think that if those questions were answered, there’d be no mystery left in the world. Wrong, again, broccoli-nose.
If those dilemmas were answered, we’d finally be free to examine the age-old questions that really underlie our beliefs about man and God and truth. Yes, of course, I mean, “Does the light in your refrigerator really go out when the door is closed?” * P.S. Don’t forget to submit your entry to last month’s question about who has the easiest job in the world.
The most creative response, remember, gets a $10 gift certificate for REDEL’S Restaurant. Thus far, the responses would indicate that most people agree with me that lawyers, tenured university professors, and automatic elevator operators, by far, have three of the easiest jobs. Send your response by Oct. 15, to In Your Ear, 6106 Kingsbury 63112.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, October 1986.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1986_10.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
