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Historical April–May 2021 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
“Just throw the dart,” I said to my financial planner and masseuse, “so we will know what stocks to buy.” Unlike my many foolish statements about life, love, and the baseball Cardinals, choosing stocks this way is based on evidence. Studies indicate that stocks that are randomly selected perform better than those chosen by financial mavens! Indeed, a June 26, 2019 WSJ article cited how stocks chosen by darts that were randomly thrown wound up beating those picked by hedge fund managers by 27%.
This is most humbling to me and my masseuse. Yep, it rubs us the wrong way. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) We research, predict, diversify, and then Dr. Random Chance beats us. Wow. That caused me to think about politics and our presidents.
Some people think it’s God’s will that the USA plays such a leadership role. Wrong.
My take is that it’s God’s will that we haven’t done something really stupid.
She is taking care of us. Perhaps She is above us now, floating on a cloud with an iPhone model 312,307 in one hand and a cigarette in another (no need to worry about carcinogens in Heaven), watching The Good Place on Netflix, and throwing darts to determine the fate of our nation. That Someone is looking out for us (minus the cigarette) is more likely than you think. You see, I assumed that most of our presidents were exceptional individuals and wise; sure, we had Buchanan, Nixon, and Trump, but that’s only three rummies out of 45. Boy, I was wrong!
It turns out that most of our presidents are mostly like us except, well, they’re presidents.
I stumbled across an interesting website – something I seem to do more and more these days, stumbling that is – that was filled with interesting factoids about our presidents. (You may wonder what’s the difference between a factoid and a fact, and that’s easy: I have an advanced degree so I use odd and awkward words.) To share some slivers of humanity about our previous presidents and to convince you that She has been watching over us since 1789, get a load of the following presidential mundane normalcies: William Henry Harrison’s inauguration speech was over 90 minutes on a wet, cold day.
He became ill and died 33 days later. Moral: Wear a raincoat! Ulysses Grant changed his mind about joining Lincoln at Ford’s Theater. Moral: Don’t be a no-show. Grover Cleveland became the legal guardian to a friend’s 11-yearold orphaned daughter, and ten years later they were married at the White House, making her the youngest First Lady ever at the age of 21. Morals: None. Benjamin Harrison, the first president to have electricity in the White House, was afraid of being electrocuted and would not touch the light switches. Moral: That’s shocking! Richard Nixon installed a bowling alley in the basement of the White House. Moral: Spare me. George W. Bush was his high school’s head cheerleader. Moral: No surprise, no mention of an honor roll. Is this an average bunch or what? And of course, that doesn’t include Clinton’s dalliances and Trump’s mendacity. Consider these folks and then contemplate that 70M people voted for Trump a second time. Gasp.
We can do better.
But beyond eliminating the Electoral College (an overdue notion), we should quit electing presidents. Yep, you know where I am heading. Instead of voting for president, we choose him or her randomly.
I mean, could we do any worse?
I propose that any U.S. Citizen who wants to be president – age 35 or older who has no felonies, with an IQ higher than body temperature, and agrees to publicize their personal taxes – can become a candidate by submitting their name to the National Election Center in Reno, NV.
The millions and millions of names (how cool to get to pardon the Thanksgiving turkey!) would be put in a huge spinning barrel and the drawing becomes a televised event.
We want lots of enthusiasm – more people watching than the 66.3% who voted in 2020 – so it is on every television station, even preempting “Say Yes to The Dress.” Oprah Winfrey and Bill Gates hold hands as they reach into the barrel and pull the name of the next president. Millions of viewers are Velcroed to the tube because the event is a patriotic feast! Dozens of digitalized U.S. flags are waving in the digitalized background, digital jets are flying in the digital sky, and a digital band is playing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” featuring Mick Jagger (who, unfortunately, is ineligible because he’s not a U.S. Citizen).
To a digitalized drumroll, Bill pulls the name and Oprah reads it. Everyone has a chance!
The winner is announced as digitalized balloons drop from the ceiling and a huge digital picture of the next prez is shown (all candidates submitted a smiling emoji). It’s the excitement of the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes times ten million! And then in January, we welcome President Elmo Flagg, Naomi Durango, Random Chance, or whomever. Regardless of who she, he, or it is, I am excited about the next four years of their leadership! What could go wrong? (And if you want to wade to see the presidential factoids, check out https://www.kqed.org/pop/20516/weird-facts-you-never-knew-about-the-u-s-presidents.)
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2021.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2021_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
