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Historical Summer 2019 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Dear Uncle Zeke, “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” I said to the judge, hoping that my admission would conjure up her memories of a wild and foolish youth. Alas, it didn’t work. (In fact, my guess is that the judge didn’t have a wild and foolish youth or she wouldn’t have been a judge.) “That’s not a very good excuse, young man,” she said sternly, “and this court shows no leniency to criminals who prey upon the unsuspecting.” I wanted to say, “Your honor, ma’am, there was nothing unsuspecting about the bank teller.
I mean, she was sitting behind bulletproof glass, surrounded by signs prohibiting firearms, so how could she not have suspected a robbery?!?” But Zeke, you’ve taught me well so I didn’t go there.
I just nodded and tried to look innocent (which wasn’t easy while wearing an orange jump suit and handcuffs; fortunately, orange is a good color for me).
She continued to say stuff but my attention span waned – this happens to me a lot and is probably why I didn’t do good in school – and the next thing I knew was the sound of her gavel and “ten years.” TEN YEARS? I’m not great in math, but that’s over 2,000 days, I think! I’m here in prison for 2,000 days because I tried to borrow $1,000? How fair is that? And the borrowing wasn’t even complete. How was I to know that the guy in the uniform was a security guard, not an off-duty Metro driver?
I mean, I didn’t even have time to step away from the teller – who was not unsuspecting, believe me – before I was grabbed by the guard. And not to expect sympathy, but the guard was pretty rough when he knocked me to the floor. Don’t they teach these people manners? So, I’m now #891310250, but my friends call me 89 for short. “Friends” is a bit of an overstatement, Zeke.
I mean, other than my roommate, Leo, I’m only with these colleagues (“prisoners” sounds too harsh for me) for an hour a day of rec-time and when we eat. And we don’t get to talk when we eat so that really doesn’t count.
Some guys use signlanguage to communicate or they itch a lot, I can’t tell which.
I tried using Morse Code on the table-top but I developed blisters on my fingertips.
The living conditions aren’t terrible other than that the bed is hard as a rock, there’s no privy privacy, the food is terrible, and I’m tired of Leo. Leo’s a Republican so I am sure he’s tired of me, too. There’s a tiny black & white television in our cell and we keep it tuned to the all-news channel. Let me tell you, Uncle Zeke, as bad as things are in here, they’re even worse in D.C.
A few years ago, we kept the channel on ESPN and there was a bliss in not knowing the world’s politics. Back then, someone said that a reality television personality was running for president, and I thought, “Great, Oprah has my vote.
If I could vote.” When I heard it was the Trumpster, I was blown away and became glued to the tube.
When I heard his initial speeches and rallies, I wondered how anyone could possibly vote for him. Granted, he had good hair, but it was clear he wasn’t very smart, was egocentric, and not particularly honest. Yeah, the first two bothered me a lot.
But then he won!?! How in the world could that happen, I wondered. Leo was puzzled too! Other than an hour of rec, silent eating, and sleeping, there’s not much going on, so I’ve become quite wise about politics.
I understand the rationale for the Electoral College and how it works and doesn’t work, I have a good knowledge of the Constitution, I can name most of the Senators, and I totally get the balance of powers among the three branches of government.
But I still don’t understand how DJT could be elected.
I would have voted for Pat Sajak, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, or Seth Meyers. For that matter, President Al Roker would be OK, and I’d definitely support President Judy Woodruff.
But Donald Trump, he of multiple bankruptcies and atavistic viewpoints? Sure, he’s got great hair, but that’s about it. Alas, I am predicting he will win re-election in 2020, even after he is impeached and the Senate fails to convict. So, yep, I’m looking to 2024.
I should be out by then, Zeke, figuring that I’ll get years shaved off my sentence because of good behavior. (Does having my sentence shaved mean that I talk in phrases?) (Now this next part is top-secret, Zeke, just between us, but Leo has figured out how to tap into the voting machines from his smart-phone – it’s very smart – and he and I are planning a coup in 2020. Security won’t be as tight in the primaries and they’ll be watching out for the Ruskies and ignoring we local folks so we figure we can pick the nominee we want to go against The Donald. Get ready to vote for President Oprah!) But enough of me, Zeke.
If you ever do make it here, please bring me some Hostess Cupcakes and Kit-Kat bars (and don’t be upset when they put them through the metal detector). It’s amazing how they don’t appreciate fine food here in the pen. Sincerely, Your semi-innocent nephew, #89
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Summer 2019.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2019_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
