In Your Ear — What Makes An Athlete?（英文）

此内容暂无简体中文译文，以下为英文原文。

Historical November–December 2016 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.

Thank goodness the Olympics are over.

Now I can get on with my life.

I spent hour upon hour watching this game and that competition.

I am not a television junkie but I was riveted to the tube. Once I wrote a column in which I suggested new events that might be added to the Olympics.

I mean, really, who does most of these things anyway, other than the people who are training for being in the Olympics?

I suggested that we add “Luggage Jamming,” a contest in which the goal is to see how big an item you can cram into an airplane’s abovethe-seat baggage compartment in 60 seconds, close the door, and be seated with your belt buckled. Someone else has suggested “Synchronized Shotputting” (wish I had thought of that one!), and then there is my favorite idea, “Grocery Bags Up the Stairs.” Competitors get 90 grocery items, and once the buzzer sounds, they commence trying to pack all of these items into plastic bags and then carry as many as they can up a flight of 16 stairs.

A contestant is disqualified if a bag breaks, drops, or if he succumbs to temptation and eats a Hostess Cupcake while packing.

I enjoy watching Beach Volleyball but its viewer rating wouldn’t hold a candle to this contest. Throughout the Olympics, one comment that I heard over and over again (not counting the line about the awards Chevrolets have won) is “world’s greatest athlete.” That was how Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, and Simone Biles and were described.

But how could Alistair Brownlee, the winner of the Triathlon, not be the best?

I mean, he isn’t just running or swimming or doing acrobatics, he is running and swimming and bicycling. Doesn’t succeeding in a variety of activities mean that you’re a better athlete?

While they’re fun to watch, I think the importance of the Olympic skills is overblown. So what if Michael Phelps is a great swimmer? How much good would that do him while standing at the intersection of Delmar and Skinker? Nada! (If it turns out that his swimming talent is, in fact, valuable at that location, we are all in big trouble and I’m calling Noah immediately.) I marveled at the skill shown by Simone Biles but, really now, when was the last time you had to use a balance beam at work? Sure, her floor exercise was impressive, but once the coffee break is over, it’s back to her desk. And yes, Usain Bolt is the fastest person in the world for a short distance, but the slowest Uber would leave him in the dust. For that matter, can he hit a curveball or shoot a free throw? Actually, I think that you can only be athletic while using a ball. You can do other stuff but it ain’t a sport. Take longdistance running, for example. What that really shows is how much pain you are willing to endure. Running is running; there’s not a lot of style. Faster runners aren’t better athletes; they’re simply better at putting up with the pain that comes when your body wisely says, “Hey big guy, time to stop.” Swimming is a bit different but not much.

There are some particular strokes and habits that will make you a better swimmer (beginning with not drowning), but then it’s like running.

A high tolerance for pain means longer practices and more perseverance. That’s great and will help if you’re ever water-boarded but it’s not particularly athletic.

We don’t consider having dental work to be athletic, but it’s the same as long-distance running without the running. Add a spheroid to the mix, though, and need athletes. No skill is more difficult than hitting a round ball with a round bat.

If someone can do that well one-third of the time, we revere them.

To put this in perspective, you wouldn’t put up with onethird of the food being good at a restaurant or a surgeon succeeding one-third of the time!

To be fair, while all sports involve a ball, not every use of a ball is part of a sport. Soccer is an example of a non-sport. Soccer is simply running without tripping over the ball. Besides, any game in which 99% of the time is back and forth while only 1% is scoring will be so boring that it doesn’t matter whether it’s a sport. Playing shortstop is the most challenging athletic task.

A shortstop has to not only be able to run and jump, start and stop quickly, she must have the coordination to catch and throw a ball while off balance or even jumping in the air. That’s athletic! Similarly, a basketball player who is good because of skill – not just due to height – has to demonstrate mighty athletic skills. And what could be more athletic than throwing or catching a football, an odd shape, while fending off people who are after you?

The only sport that begins to approach these levels of difficulty isn’t found in the Olympics; rather, it’s the juggler who circulates six balls in the air while rotating a hoop with his right leg and playing the harmonica.

Now that’s athleticism! Sorry, I have to stop now. It’s time for my juggling lesson and I need to go to the grocery store. Hey, there’s an interesting thought: What if the “Grocery Bags Up the Stairs” competition awarded extra points for juggling?

This could be really interesting!

Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2016.

Read this article in the original newspaper issue.

Original source: SD_Times2016_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.