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Historical February–March 2005 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Holidays play a tremendous role in helping us mark our lives.
We use them to buy countless presents that need to be exchanged and to attend parties to see people we’d otherwise happily miss. Fortunately for late-minute shoppers like my gift-Mecca. You’d be amazed at the range of presents you can get there at 10:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
My favorite is a mechanized Elvis dressed up like Santa.
He not only sings, his jolly body rocks back and forth as Rudolph exits and enters a nearby chimney, his nose flashing a bright red. Isn’t technology wonderful? (If you close your eyes and have a few glasses of wine, it’s almost as if you’re transported to Vegas!) We know that holidays are good for merchants and travel agents; the cynical among us would say that this is why we have holidays. No one doesn’t like no holidays. (How’s that for a triple-negative?) But over time, alas, many things, including holidays, have become too routinized. Leaves fall and it’s Thanksgiving. Then, just as we’ve finished the left-over turkey, it’s time for Christmas, Kwanza, or Chanukah. Depending upon your heritage, political allegiance, and religious persuasion, the list goes on and on: Boxing Day, World Wrestling Day, Easter, Wester, St. Patrick’s Day, Opening Day, Groundhog Day, the 4th of July, Bastille Day, Halloween, and soon-to-be President Hillary Clinton’s birthday. Yep, we’ve fallen into a routine when it comes to holidays. Sure these traditional holidays work – gift cards and freshly stacked shelves in the stores evidence their success – but they’re old.
I mean, it’s pretty hard to get excited about Presidents Day when I think of the actual presidents. Likewise, how exciting can Thanksgiving be for the turkeys?
Some things have to be predictable, I know, but why holidays?
I propose, dear reader, that we create a new series of holidays.
These holidays would celebrate the rich diversity of our country and respect and reflect our different faiths, hair styles, and tax brackets. Wiser – or at least more hirsute – heads than mine should make the actual decisions about these new holidays.
I envision a public debate, perhaps held at university campuses around the nation and televised over PBS. Can’t you envision the debate between those favoring a holiday that honors chocolate and those who prefer caramel instead? Or how about the people wanting a holiday to observe the creation of the shopping mall versus those who think the day should recognize on-line purchases?
Here are my candidates for the holidays that we need and deserve.
Now mind you, I’m not suggesting that this is the complete list; rather, I’m simply trying, in my humble and understated way, to begin the dialogue with a few nominations. Stogie Day, held on November 30, Winston Churchill’s birthday.
This holiday doesn’t deal with his role in WWII or his writings. Rather, it commemorates his quote, “Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the rest.” Think 2000 and 2004. Need I say more? Light up your Macanudo. Bad Prognostication Day, held on April 1, the anniversary of St. Louis’ City-County Separation in 1876.
This day recognizes that fateful day when the City separated itself from the County.
The City fathers, wise men (no women) that they were, did this because they viewed the County as poor and a drain on their resources. Hellooooo? Was anyone looking past the end of their white, male noses in 1876?
It doesn’t seem so. You know, come to think about it, just maybe the fact that no women were involved caused the IQ level of the group to dip below room temperature. Warmed-up Coffee Day, January 24.
This day celebrates the 1950 invention and patent of the super quick, handy-dandy microwave.
This simple machine has revolutionized how we cook and eat. At my house, if it’s warm and eaten, it is either delivered or comes steaming hot from the microwave.
The microwave has allowed for a more efficient use of kitchen space as well.
I display some of my clock collection on the top of the stove; the oven is where important papers are kept.
In honor of the microwave, the day lasts just 10 minutes. (If you set the day on Power Level 4, though, it lasts an hour.) Mediocre Day, held on George W. Bush’s birthday, July 6.
This day celebrates the fact that just about anyone can become president of the U.S. You don’t need to be smart, work very hard, surround yourself with competent people, or, even, get the most votes.
I mean, is this inspirational or what? You, too, could be president! For that matter, you three could become president. Come to think about it, we all could become president. (Hint: If you want to be president it does help to choose the right parents.) Porcine Day, held on February 30.
This date commemorates all those pounds that are shed after the holidays and never regained. Yep, that’s why this date was chosen. Metro Completion Day, held on May 6, 2013.
This date is when Metro construction in Skinker-De Baliviere will end. Rumor has it that the very next day the Danforth Foundation will begin a feasibility study to plan a second link between BJC and WashU down the southern end of Forest Park, on Oakland, where it belongs.
The first route, after all, only picks up three community icons: BJC, Kayak’s, and WashU.
The new, southern, route will pick up BJC, St. Louis University High, the Science Center, Forest Park Community College, the Highlands Office Park, Tenet Hospital, and then head north under Skinker to WashU. (Gosh, do you suppose the folks who made the decision about where this line should run are the descendants of the people who decided that the City should break away from the County in 1876?) Now be honest, doesn’t it sound like much more fun to celebrate Mediocre Day than Thanksgiving? And wouldn’t you prefer Warmed Up Coffee Day to Valentine’s Day?
The merchants would like these changes too, because there would be a market for new greeting cards and rituals. You better believe that the folks a Walgreen’s are already all over creating new toys to commemoate these days. Hey, if not before, I’ll see you on National Imagine Day, October 9, John Lennon’s birthday. [From my last column: Thanks to those of you who have asked to be considered for VicePresident. You may remember that I’m advocating replacing our national election with a national lottery: the holder of the winning ticket becomes president.
Now this idea isn’t as radical as it may seem.
First, how much worse could random chance serve us than the actual results of our elections? Second, this process would offer a far more likely chance of a president being a female or person of color. Not bad, eh? But, again, this process makes the VP all the more important.
In recognition of my erudition and even-handed approach to life – plus the fact that I’m the one writing this column – it’s been determined that I, Hawkeye, get to pick the VP. I’ve already heard from many interested candidates, but the lines are still open.
If you’d like to be considered for Vice President of the USA, zap me an email at trhoerr@AOL. com..]
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2005.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Printed opening has incomplete late-minute shoppers like my gift-Mecca phrase; no store name or missing wording invented.
Original source: SD_Times2005_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
