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Historical Winter 2003 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Well, our wise and sophisticated state legislators have done it again. Trying to stay ahead of California in the rankings for the dumbest state west of Kentucky (no small task), they have blown their noses at the will of the people. Yes, even though a statewide referendum showed that people were against legislation authorizing concealed weapons, they have passed a law which allows this. So much for the will of the people, eh?
I know, I know, the right-wing nuts among us, those of us who feel a need to have a steel weapon to prove their man/womanhood, will argue that the U.S. Constitution provides the right to bear arms. Yes, it does.
The framers, however, were not referring to Saturday Night Specials, that we know. And then there is our number one corporate citizen Anheuser-Busch. Yes, these community leaders withheld a contribution to the governor, simply because he vetoed the legislation. You and I may know that guns and liquor don’t mix, but they’ve not learned that at the brewery. Alas, I don’t mean to be on a bit of a rant here.
I mean, reasonable people can disagree, and there are two sides to every issue. That’s true here too. Of course, one of the sides is right and the other is wrong. Tell me, do you honestly think we’re going to be safer with more and more people packing heat? Of course, our wise legislators will say that the government has no right to get involved with whether or not people carry weapons. “It’s a case of individual freedoms,” they will say. Yeah, sure.
I should have the freedom to conceal a handgun?
Now how logical is that, really?
I rest my case.
But there’s more than just this legislation.
In Your Ear’s Jeff City doppelganger reporter, deep tonsil, has been talking to legislators on the sly.
He has been meeting with them off the record, trying to figure out what’s next. No surprise, emboldened by this “success,” they are, even as I write, cobbling legislation for the next session. Capitalizing on this feat of arming every citizen, our state senators and representatives (at least the Republicans among them), have more in store for you and me.
Here are five bills that will be filed at the opening session of the legislature, bills which our representatives say will make life safer for all of us and remove government intrusions. 1. Make automobile seat-belts illegal. Yes, not only does the government not have a right to require you to wear a seat belt, there shouldn’t be any available in case you weaken and want to protect yourself, wimp. Removal of seat belts will be necessary for licence renewals. Besides, say the legislators, following in the logic that says more guns will make us safer, if people don’t have seat belts, they’ll drive more safely because being involved in an accident would be more dangerous. Auto insurance rates will no doubt go down! 2. Close the restaurant health inspection departments.
I mean, what right does the government have to give a restaurant a grade?
In our free society, every person should be free to eat as contaminated of food as s/he likes. By doing away with the inspectors, we will be moving to more of a free-market food industry. Sure, some people will eat unhealthy food and get sick or die, but then the word will spread and others won’t go to that restaurant. Isn’t that more sensible than paying for inspectors? 3. Repeal of all speed limits on highways.
In a free society, what right does the government have to limit driving speeds? Why shouldn’t those simply be limited by how quickly a car can go, anyway? What could be wrong with people driving as fast as they want?
It probably wouldn’t be a safety concern because if people are driving faster, they will get where they are going more quickly and, thus, fewer of them will be on the roads at any given time. Hey, auto insurance rates may be lowered even further due to this.
The insurance companies may wind up paying you money to drive! 4. Cut back the hours of the police departments by a third.
The crime rate is already dropping, and now that Joe and June Citizen will be armed, there is less of a need to have police on duty all of the time. Reducing the hours that police are available will cut government spending with no appreciable increase in the crime rate. (While local communities can decide which eight hours they wish to be without police protection, the legislators are recommending that this be between midnight and 8 a.m.; after all, most people are asleep then, so why need do we need paying for police?). 5. Eliminate metal-detectors at airports. Statistically, we all know that you’re more likely to die in an auto than a plane crash, so why bother with the metal detectors? Sure, there might be an incident or two, but the likelihood of you or anyone you know being on that plan is minuscule. Plus, think of the time you’ll save by not waiting in line, removing your shoes, and so on. Instead, people should just sign an affidavit in which they swear that they are bringing nothing dangerous on the plane. Sure, we all know that there are some crazy people out there who would lie and bring something that they shouldn’t on the plane, but we need not worry.
After all, everyone from Missouri will be packing their own heat on the plane, so if something goes wrong, we can reach for our manhood and blast ‘em out of the sky. Aren’t you glad you live in Missouri? And will you sign my petition to recall Bob Holden and elect John Goodman as Governor?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Winter 2003.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2003_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
