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Historical September–October 1998 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
December 1998 API Newservice: President Bill Clinton today announced a new initiative designed to save urban areas and restore them to their former luster. Standing on the White House lawn, flanked by fiancee Monica Lewinsky and chief of staff Kenneth Starr, the president began to speak: For too long we have treated our cities, our core resources, as throw-away communities, expanding helter-skelter and building new infrastructures at a cost to both taxpayers and the environment. Today that changes. Recognizing that governance is the key, I am creating a series of nationwide EEE zones, ‘Empowerment for Excellence by an Emperor.'” Ms. Lewinsky’s presence at a press conference was a bit of a novelty, the president having only announced their engagement after the November elections in which the Democratic party won twelve House seats, regaining its majority status.
She stood silentlly, beaming to the press in her blue dress.
As reporters typed madly, their fingers dancing on a bevy of laptops, the president continued. “Monica and I have long felt that while democracy has its strengths — I was elected by a majority of the minority who voted after all — we recognize that stronger leadership is warranted in our urban areas. Mr. Starr and I, along with speaker of the house Dickie Gephardt, have fashioned a new model for decision-making, one designed to achieve excellence. Effective today I will begin appointing ‘Emperors’ of our urban areas, individuals who have powers never before granted since the days of nation-states.
They will be accountable to me and given licence by me to do what is necessary, not being hampered by legislative bodies, federal or local laws, or,” and he paused, “the approval of the people.
After all,” the president now leaned forward, squeezing Ms. Lewinsky’s hand and smiling at his newfound ally, Mr. Starr, “often the people don’t know what is needed.” Referring to his notes, the president said, “Representative Dickie Gephardt has been working closely with us and we have chosen St. Louis to be the first site of the nation’s EEE effort.” At this point Representative Gephardt came forward and spoke to the audience: “I have long regretted my decision in 1986 to support elimination of the federal investment tax credit. Taking away this support devastated St. Louis’ recovery and that in many other urban areas as well. Candidly,” and at this the Representative gulped and smoothed out his translucent eyebrows. “I pandered to special interests and forgot my hometown interests. l hope that my involvement in the EEE Zone act will .restore the confidence of my constituents. Because in 2000 there will be an election for president and friends and neighbors, 1…” But at this President Clinton forcefully interrupted him, stepping back to the microphone, leaving Ms. Lewinsky, Mr. Starr, and newly-appointed Secretary of State Ross Perot, and physically blocking Gephardt from continuing his speech. Smiling to all as if nothing untoward had happened, the president began, “But any policy is only as good as the individuals implementing it. Great effort and thought have been given to selecting St. Louis’ EEE Emperor.
We wanted someone creative but not blotched by ward politics or encumbered by- too much wisdom.
We wanted someone who would readily make new mistakes. Won’t you join me then in welcoming the newly appointed Emperor of St. Louis, Hawkeye Z. Hoerr?” At this a murmur ran through the press corps.
This was a new name, not on their radar screen.
The President continued, “Although Hawkeye Z. Hoerr is not a common name, we at the White House have been following him for years.
He is uniquely qualified for this position as I indicated earlier. Unlike so many inside the Beltway, he will not suffer from too much intelligence or too much ambition.
We first came to know him,” the president now turned to his left, “from reading his column in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere. Much of what he has written over the years, actually since I was Governor of Arkansas, has informed our policies and influenced our initiatives.
I now give you Emperor Hawkeye Z. Hoerr.” The crowd grew quiet as Hawkeye strode to the microphone.
A tall, thin bearded fellow, balding in a mature sort of way, looking a bit like Tom Selleck, he began to speak. “Thank you Mr. President,” he began, obviously a bit nervous.
He unbuttoned his coat, thereby exposing a garish black tie with yellow smile-faces as its pattern. “I appreciate the confidence that you have placed in me.
I have lived in St. Louis for all my life and have watched the politicians, like plans for renovating downtown, come and go. 1 have seen the football Cardinals leave town only to be replaced by the excessively-expensive and equally bad Rams; I have seen the river boat Admiral sold and repurchased at a higher price-, I have seen highways drive apart our neighborhoods and political boundaries subdivide us and create winners and losers where even the winners lose.
I have seen expediency chosen over commonsense and the leadership vacuum grow even larger.
But today that ends!” He was speaking loudly now and knocked over a glass of water on the podium. Ignoring the dripping water, he stepped back and surveyed the crowd, “As the Prez said, I am announcing ten initiatives, all to be done within one week. And in the future, each week will find ten new directions, all to also be accomplished in seven days.
We have waited and waited and now is the time to act!
These steps will make St. Louis a better community for all of its citizens.” The reporters sat in stunned silence, hardly believing what they were hearing and seeing. Slowly Hawkeye turned to his right and pulled a curtain aside, showing ten initiatives, all in red bold letters on a giant chart, all spelled correctly.
He read aloud: “With the Emperor powers given to me, I hereby decree that the following shall take place no later than seven days from today.” He looked at President Clinton who was looking only at Ms. Lewinsky.
After a pregnant moment Hawkeye cleared his throat causing the President noticed him and give him a thumbs-up signal. Hawkeye smiled at them both and then spoke to the stunned reporters, referring to the chart.. “First,” Hawkeye said, “every McDonald’s restaurant in St. Louis will be closed and replaced with a Ted Drewe’s frozen custard stand. Gasoline is not cheap and we shouldn’t have to drive.to South St. Louis to partake in the best dessert known to man. Food is love. “Second,” he continued, ”l hereby’ merge the City and County. Reversing the foolish decision of 1876. the City of St. Louis now extends west to Lindbergh Boulevard. “And third, the new City of St. Louis annexes all lands and properties to the Missouri river on the west. St. Louis will once again be a city of the magnitude of 1904 when we were the fourth largest in the nation.
With this an NBA franchise is on the horizon, I’m sure, but we don’t want the Clippers! -Next, fourth, the St. Louis Board of Aldermen is hereby eliminated, the legislative body to be replaced by the mayors of each of the now-St. Louis municipalities of 10,000 or more people.” Oddly, although the reporters were all Washington-based and knew little of St. Louis, they cheered at this. -But,” he continued, “the St. Louis City Mayor will serve as chief executive officer for the whole shebang. And I appoint Vince Schoemehl, former mayor, to be mayor again. One thing about Vince, he was good and he was never dull! Come to think of it, that’s two things.” He cleared his throat. “Fifth, it is illegal to walk Cardinals’ first baseman Mark McGuire in any game played in St. Louis.
He must be pitched to until the ball is put in play or he strikes out. “Sixth, the area over highway 70 downtown will be covered so that pedestrians can walk directly from the Mississippi to downtown and versevica.
The land will contain a picnic area, to be called ‘Iorg Park,’ in honor of first baseman Dan lorg, the only individual every to hit a ball, even though it was foul, out of Busch Stadium. a miniature golf course, and a canal which ties it into River Des Peres, the subject of my seventh edict.” At this Hawkeye paused and gave a big smile to the press corps, all busily writing and trying to make sense of what they were hearing. Flashbulbs were popping and he opened his coat to ensure that the cast of smile faces on his tie would join him in any photo. “Seventh, River Des Peres will be transformed into a recreational waterway, connecting the Mississippi River in South St. Louis to the newly created waterways in Forest Park and to the downtown area,” Hawkeye announced. “And as part of that recommendation, work will commence on transforming the entire riverfront into a recreation area.
I have already signed a contract with Rouse Company, the developers of our Union Station and Baltimore’s Harbor Place. “Eighth,” he went on, gasping a bit for breath, “school district boundaries are all dissolved and parents can choose to send their child to any public school they choose, with free transportation to be provided.
I realize that some districts and schools will be over-subscribed.
When that happens a student’s admission will be based on lottery.
This will, in effect, eliminate the monopoly on quality schools that is currently available only to those who can afford to buy expensive housing or to send their children to fine private schools. “As a result, the artificially-inflated property values in Clayton and LaDue will plummet while those in the former City of St. Louis will soar. And those schools that receive no subscribers will be forced to reconstitute themselveS.
For a change we will trust families, rather than bureaucrats, to decide what is right for their children.” Gaining momentum, he continued, “Next, ninth, almost all of every park of 10 acres or more will be closed to vehicular traffic so that walkers, runners, bikers, and bladers can, enjoy access at will. And relatedly, I am levying a 5 cent tax on every gallon of gasoline sold in the community so that work can commence immediately on all of the MetroLink lines that we will need. By the year 2002 we will have lightrail connections to South St. Louis, Chesterfield, Florissant, and Kirkwood.” Pausing for effect and playing with the bottom of his tie, Hawkeye now spoke a bit more softly, “And finally, the tenth recommendation is that adults and children be prohibited from selling candy by standing in the street near stoplights at busy intersections.
This act will save much driver angst and a few lives.” Turning away from the chart and taking a deep breath, he now spoke from a piece of paper he had pulled from his pocket. “Next week at this time I will have a press conference at the new Emperor’s Palace in St. Louis, the 17th floor of a high-rise building on Skinker, overlooking Forest Park. At that time I will announce the next series of proclamations, dealing with reducing air pollution by creating “Bike Days,”,merging Civic Progress with the [wording unclear in source], paving Bridgeton for a new airport, annexing the land east of the river to Breeze, Illinois, and refunding the PSL money, plus interest, to all those who purchased Rams’ season tickets. Thank you, Mr. President. It’s going to be a fun ride, ladies and gentlemen.” Hawkeye then stepped back in order to return the microphone to the President but neither the President nor Ms. Lewinsky were anywhere to be seen.
After an awkward moment Mr. Starr strode to the microphone, “Thank you Emperor Hoerr.
It will be, ahem, interesting. And men and women of the press corps, I invite you to remain around for a while.
I will be hosting a press conference about my newly-begun investigation of whether or not Elvis is still alive.” End of report.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 1998.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Damaged wording in final policy list is marked explicitly; no completion invented.
Original source: SD_Times1998_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8, 7; PDF page(s) 8, 7.
