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Historical June 1997 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
For a few months we have a break from being exposed to grown men losing their tempers, fistfights breaking out, wrestling become a way to settle disputes, needless blood and broken bones, and displays of poor sportsmanship. Yep, that means hockey season is over. Thank goodness.
I don’t get it. True, to be fair, there are many other things which I don’t get.
I don’t get, for example, why the folks who built the MetroLink ticket machines can’t design one that is readable.
I don’t want to think about how many times have I missed the train because someone ahead of me couldn’t figure out how to purchase a ticket. Indeed, how many times have I missed the train because I couldn’t figure out how to purchase a ticket? And I don’t get why all the cable t.v. channels don’t result in better t.v.
I have 50+ channels from which to choose but there’s never anything good to watch.
But most, I don’t get hockey.
I mean, what’s the fascination with a game which is really less a test of skill and style and more a test of which team has the most bullies?
The eminent philosopher, Rodney Dangerfield, said it best, “I went to a prize fight and a hockey game broke out!” The NHL (National Hurt League) could put a stop to this if it wished, of course.
But then their attendance would plummet. There’s never been a league that did a better job of stooping to the level of its audience, unless it was the folks who ran the Rome colosseum in Nero’s times. Come to think of it, I’m surprised that the NHL hasn’t tried Christians vs. Lions.
They probably considered this but couldn’t get the lions to skate. Fighting is clearly what brings in the fans. Whereas both pro and college basketball are the rage, college hockey, same sport only no fighting, isn’t very popular.
Now if the college kids were allowed to bludgeon one another in the midst of a hockey game. I’m sure that college hockey would be on ESPN I too.
But who am I to argue with success? Given that fighting is the draw, why don’t we carry that model over to other endeavors? Giving the public what they want is, after all, the key to success.
Here are my recommendations to some local businesses, using the formulae that makes the NHL great. Fight Night at McDonald’s!
The McDonald’s crews are selected not only for their ability to fry a burger or pour a Coke, but also for their fighting abilities. Pulling hair and nosepunching becomes a desired employee skill.
The staff is trained so that any time a fish sandwich and quarterpounder are ordered simultaneously, a fight breaks out at the salad bar.
The person who took the fish order is instructed to blindside a soda server.
After 90 seconds of hitting and kicking, the crew chief intervenes and sends both parties to the drive-up window for a 3-minute penalty. Wrestlemania at Library Ltd!
The cashiers are trained to punch any book-stacker in the nose if a book is stacked in anything less than perfect alphabetical order. Since most of the staff knows their alphabet quite well, fights are also encouraged between those who specialize in fiction and those who favor non-fiction.
On Sundays, the staff who reads Michael Crichton books squares off against those who read Susan Isaacs.
They tried having fights between those who read Tom Clancy and those who read Harold Robbins but no one would admit to reading Harold Robbins. Dukin’ It at The Drewes!
The crew serving concretes at Ted Drewes simply hates those who specialize in sundaes. Hair pulling — while still wearing caps to adhere to hygiene laws — is encouraged.
A fight among the servers is likely to break out any time someone orders a TerraMizzou concrete while someone else is ordering a pineapple sundae.
If anyone orders double-chocolate sundaes, a fight and their complexion will break out. Fisticuffs at the St. Louis Aldermanic Session! Everyone, from the mayor to the aldermen, has agreed that if anything that sounds reasonably intelligent is said by any of the aldermen or alderwomen, a fight will immediately break out in the aldermanic chambers.
To date, no fights have been recorded. Hey, whaddya mean, you don’t think this column was interesting? Oh yeah?!?
Now that we know what works, let’s step outside and do it!
As they used to say in the Batman comics, “BAM, POW, SLUG!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, June 1997.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1997_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
