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Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, February 1983. The exaggerated proposals are comic inventions, not practical advice or reports of actual events.
“Video dating?” No, that doesn’t mean going to a dance with your Sony. It’s the latest craze, viewing video tapes of prospective paramours before you give them a call. Now. it must be said that, in this case, technology may not be all bad.
The approach certainly beats those with which I am familiar (mainly driving down the street yelling, “What’s a nice girl like you in a place like this?”) It’s a lot’ cheaper than my old approaches. too. – I mean. how many first drinks can you buy people before your liver goes on ‘strike and you run out of nubile laddies’? I always thought that the ancient custom of parents’ selling children to marriage made sense.
In today’s economy the purchase would be eligible for tax ‘abatement and depreciation! Indeed, there’s something to be said for this approach: efficient, inexpensive, painless, and warmer than walking from bar to bar on a.cold winter night. – “In Your Ear,” however, in its own inimitable style. offers an even better approach to meeting and greeting (“pressing the flesh” may not be the best metaphor here). Rather than using videotapes to view criteria such as physical attractiveness, personality, and interests (all mundane!), why not base decisions on criteria that get to the real root of what attracts people to one another … that’s right, food! I suggest that each person looking for a “companion” (I do adore euphemisms) complete a sheet indicating food preferences.
This sheet would then be computerized and placed in a pool of all eligibles everywhere. Think of the logic: Could a White Castle afficionado — one who places the Belly Bombers number one — really find happiness with a Club Sandwich person? Would a beer and pizza person make that anchovies, onions, and green peppers pizza, hold. the cheese – possibly make. it with a roast beef and baked potatoes’? Divorce is inevitable for the chocolate chip cookies and “Lean Cuisine” match.
Now the converse, of course, is also true.
Sometimes opposites could be matched so that the plate would really get licked clean: “Mr. Sprat, I think you’ll like this girl. She’s a bit on the heavy side. but .. . ” The bread eater could date the meat eater and it’d be a sandwich made in Heaven (assuming they could cut the mustard together…). Think of all the philosophical arguments which could be avoided if you knew the food preferences of your prospective whatever. Someone who names grits as numero uno ought not to be discussing politics with a lobster fancier. Likewise, chili and yogurt have nothing at all to talk about.
After a meal of French fried onions, garlic bread, and tacos, what could people have in common (other than an immediate need for a very good mouthwash’?).
Well, enough said. I think you get the idea. I’ve already been approached by two major firms to market the concept.
They seem to think that there’s a big future in selecting dates by food choice. I agree. but I’m a little worried. There’s always some .cur around who isn’t satisfied and takes advantages of the other sex. Yes, you know what that person’s favorite food is … .smorgasbord!
Originally published in The Neighborhood Paper, February 1983.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1983_02.pdf, printed page(s) 12; PDF page(s) 12.
