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Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, written during the 1982 Falkland crisis. The five absurd proposals are comic inventions, not actual policies or reports of the war’s outcome.
As I write this column a British naval armada is steaming toward Argentina and destiny. (Now there’s a sentence that certainly sounds impressive, although it doesn’t say a heck of a lot!) Anyway, by the time you read this, the Falkland Island Crisis could be peacefully resolved and relegated to tomorrow’s trivia games. Of course, there’s always the possibility that someone is using General Curtis LeMay as an advisor and the “Mouse That Roared” will turn in to a full-blown nuclear holocaust. (Imagine future archeologists judging our society only by uncovered film clips of “Wrestling at the Chase”!) Can you believe all this ruckus over a few islands? Whatever happened to the good old peaceful ways of acquiring property: swindle, theft, and bribery.
After all, the purchase of Manhattan Island from the Indians for $24 was a pacifist’s dream.
My concern is a large one.
The world is full of crazies who are only too willing to go to war at the drop of a colony. Given the fact that these guys manage to wind up in positions of power and influence (can you imagine Al Haig working at a supermarket?), it seems that the likelihood continues to increase that sooner or later (probably sooner) someone will push the Big Button and we’ll all wind up as radiation mutants in a real-life “Quest for Fire.” The question is not if but when? But, alas, all is not lost!
In true form, this column will present some ideas as to how the current “Armeggedon of the Month” can be avoided. Nobody really wants a nuclear war (it would play havoc with real estate values), so let’s consider the following strategies to avoid the ultimate confrontation as a result of this crisis, [printed word unclear]
1. Make Great Britain the fifty-first state. True, this is only a short-term solution to the Falkland Island crisis, but it’d be terribly effective.
With England as a state, the Falkland Islands would also become a distant property of ours (sort of like Ballwin), its citizens eligible for Block Grant funds, subject to confusing taxation laws, and eligible to buy All-Savers Certificates. Their rapid transit system would immediately deteriorate and their legislators begin arguing about cable television. Argentina, being no one’s fool, would immediately ask for foreign aid and the proximity of Ballwin—oops, the Falkland Islands—would ensure that we’d ship tons of money and bureaucrats to them.
The Argentinians would begin to slip across our border to Ballwin and start working in various kinds of sweat shops, entering our Social Security System and sending their children to magnet schools.
So much for that crisis!
2.
This plea is a bit more nefarious, but also terribly effective: we should immediately produce 100,000 PAC MAN video games and parachute them in to Buenos Aires. Similar to the leaflets dropped from planes in WWII, this would have the effect of thoroughly distracting the city’s populace.
Not only would the streets become vacant, all of the Argentinians’ pent-up aggression and hostility would be manifested through their video games.
3.
This strategy involves enlarging the shuttle diplomacy effort.
We now have Alexander Haig doing double duty. Why not add a few other notables and let them work out the solution?
In addition to Haig. I recommend Professor Irwin Corey, Jerry Brown, Rona Barrett, and Sylvester Stallone.
No one else would be able to understand any explanation they might give. Nothing assuages conflict like clear misunderstandings!
4. Take “Operation Brightside” to the Islands.
With Ken Cohen advertising and Lu Green planning, there’s no doubt that the Islands would become clean (pristine clean?) and turn into a tourist attraction of sorts.
As a kind of international city, like the Vatican or Peoria, the issue of ownership wouldn’t be germane. Continuing the effort, President Schoemehl could annex the Islands and turn them into a neighborhood health care center.
5. Declare the Islands blighted in order to prime them for redevelopment.
Once blighted, we could allow rehabbers to submit various proposals.
We could offer tax abatements and tie the Falkland Islands to the Downtown Mall plan; that would ensure that absolutely nothing would happen for generations to come.
Well, those are just a few suggestions. I’ve skipped the obvious solutions like flipping coins, playing dodgeball, and having the UN decide the issue.
If all of these ideas fail, however, there’s one final remedy which is sure to work—put all of South America under the control of Walt Disney Enterprises! Falkland World will become an instant success and everyone will be happy.
After all, who could attack an island populated by five-foot mice and Cinderella?
Originally published in The Paper, May 1982.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: A damaged final word after “as a result of this crisis” is marked rather than reconstructed.
Original source: SD_Times1982_05.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 4.
