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Historical satire by Tom Hoerr. The eight imagined MASH sequels are fictional, not actual productions or neighborhood appointments. The expected series ending is a period statement.*
Television isn’t something that I like to watch or write about. I hardly consider myself a videophile or even your basic average television addict.
To my credit, I’ve never seen “The Dukes of Hazzard” and it wasn’t until recently that I learned that “Fantasy Island” was more than a plot of acreage at Disney World. Generally I consider television to be good background noise for listening to the radio. Having stated my position (while watching “Sunday Sports Spectacular,” no less), I’m the first to agree that there are some excellent shows on television. I’m a great “Hill Street Blues” fan, for example, and am very fond of “60 Minutes.” And, of course, being of sound mind and body, I’m addicted to sports on the tube, especially football. Best of all, though, far and away, is my favorite of all shows, MAS*H.
It is with great sorrow, then, that I look forward to the upcoming end of MAS*H, as this year is to be the end of the series. Oh sure, they’ll continue to run the repeats for eons (and I’ll watch them), but it won’t be the same. I’ll really miss Hawkeye’s caustic wit, Charles’ sanctimonious attitude, and avuncular Potter’s calm, reassuring manner.
It will be like having the whole neighborhood move to Lemay. There’s not much I can do about MAS*H, but I do have a solution to ease my withdrawal pangs: I suggest thatthe fall television schedule have a new show written for each of the characters in later life! (Now I know that “Trapper John, M.D.” is supposed to have done that, but it doesn’t work. There’s no relationship with the Trapper John that I know; heck, Pernell Roberts still seems as if he should be looking for Hoss and Little Joe, not cutting on folks.) I’m advocating that each of the protagonists have his/her own series, showing how the characters live in 1982. Do you like the premise so far? (If you do, continue reading; if not; you’re sentenced to watching “Family Feud” each night!) To help my idea along, I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting plots for each of the characters.
Here goes:
Congressman B.J. Honnicut. B.J. returns to the states to find that he can barely break even due to federal regulations and paperwork. Peg leaves him and becomes a divorce counselor in Juarez. Frustrated, B.J. joins the local young Republicans and is elected to Congress on a “Save the Isotherms” ticket.
The series begins with B.J. trying to arrange a blind date between Pat Nixon and Steve Martin. Radar O’Rielly, Oil Magnate. Radar’s mom has saved all the money that he sent home and Radar intends to invest it all in an Iowa soil consortium. Things get mixed up at Western Union, however, and he winds up the head of an oil consortium!
The first show has large chunks of Iowa being shipped to Saudi Arabia where Radar will now make his home with his pets and his harem.
Max Klinger, Fashion Designer. Klinger originally hits it big when his designer shirts (they feature a chameleon on the pocket) become the rage in women’s clothing. Max then makes millions with his “unisex” look.
The series’ co-stars are Renee Richards and Merlin Olsen.
Henry Blake: Pirate of the Seas. Henry’s helicopter didn’t crash after all.
It was all an elaborate subterfuge by Henry.
He had planned it all along so that he could go in to the sea piracy business. Henry’s region is the Bermuda Triangle where he constantly preys upon the Love Boat. Henry’s fellow pirates are Shecky Green, Rodney Dangerfield, and Marie Osmond.
Father Mulcahy, the Singing Priest. Mulcahy takes guitar lessons and becomes a minstrel priest, traveling and singing songs to the poor and needy to soothe their troubles.
Since the Father really can’t sing, his voice is dubbed by Steven B. Stevens. Winchester’s World.
After returning stateside, Charles finds that he misses rustic Korea.
He leaves the city and becomes a recluse living in the woods, surviving on nuts and berries and befriending Grizzly Adams. Soon the rabbits speak with a Boston twang.
President Houlihan. Margaret gets caught up in the ERA movement, becomes a spokesperson, and is thrust to fame when she soundly defeats Phyllis Schlafly in a debate. Margaret is elected President of the United States and proceeds to appoint Major Frank Burns to be her Secretary of State (doesn’t Frank remind you of Alexander Haig?) The series stars John Travolta as the vice-president and Burt Reynolds as her chauffeur.
Hawkeye Pierce, Executive Director. Hawkeye’s hatred of the war and his revulsion to pain make it difficult for him to practice medicine.
He cannot hold a job and wanders throughout the country, “savoring life.” Hawkeye’s attitude changes, however, when he passes through St. Louis and becomes enamored with Skinker-De Baliviere. Hawkeye moves to the 6100 block of Washington and ultimately becomes the Executive Director of the Skinker-DeBaliviere Community Council.
The series begins with Hawkeye’s impassioned plea for the re-opening of the Des Peres Branch Library. Series co-stars are Mork, Calvin Stuart, and Bo Derek (I’d do anything to get her to move into the neighborhood!).
Well, what do you think?
Each year they could meet at Mel’s Diner to celebrate old times. Heck, if this works we can develop sequels to “My Mother, the Car” and “Gilligan’s Island.” Wouldn’t it be great to have, Maynard Krebs working at the local Baskin Robbins?
Originally published in The Paper, March 1982.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1982_03.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 9.
