Historical June 1990 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
I often wonder what aliens from outer space would think if they descended upon our planet and judged us on what they thought when they viewed various bits and pieces of our civilization.
We have troubles enough if they pass judgement on us after studying and understanding all of our strengths and flaws.
Many is the night that I’ve lain awake, worrying about this danger. It’s always been a potential problem, but now that we’re beaming television signals to the heavens, it’s even worse.
If you assume that there’s no intelligent life besides us (HA!) in our solar system, then one must look at the closest solar system.
The nearest star, not counting our own sun, is forty light years away (that’s farther, even, than West County, which is the farthest thing I can envision from what we call civilization).
This means that just now, even as you read this, television signals from 1950 are reaching there.
If memory serves me correct (actually, it was long before my birth), there wasn’t a whole lot on the tube in 1950.
But look what the next ten years brings! Yep, some aliens may soon be meeting Dave Garroway, Leave It To Beaver, The Honeymooners, and Wrestling At The Chase. I guess that pretty much shoots any possibility that they’ll ever bother coming here to meet us.
And it’ll only get worse of course. Forty years from now these same aliens will be seeing re-runs from Miami Vice, the Weather Channel, Wheel Of Fortune, and Willard Scott. Aliens in even more distant solar systems, another forty light years away, will first be meeting Dave Garroway and Mrs. Cleaver.
As long as there’s a there, someone or something somewhere will be receiving all of this mess that we send over airwaves.
It is Earthyear 2030, somewhere in a distant solar system.
A giant silver orb is sitting in the middle of the room, slowly rotating. Slender beams of light shoot out in several directions.
The room is large and resembles, what a surprise, the setting of “The People’s Court!’ Only instead of people being present, the room is filled with small rose colored frog-like creatures approximately two feet tall.
Each of the little creatures is wearing sunglasses, a bow tie, and yellow tennis shoes.
All of the creatures smoke very large cigars.
The creature behind the desk stands and all of the others stand too.
It puts on what is clearly a judicial robe and the others bow, presumably out of respect.
We see that their feet don’t touch the floor when they stand. Instead, each one hovers slightly above the surface.
The frogette to the left of the judge begins to read. “Hear-ye, hearye, hearye. Zodolty court //34490b, Zodolty against the planet Earth, is now in session:’ The courtroom goes quiet and the orb begins to rotate a bit more quickly. Everyone—everything?—in the courtroom sits, but they do it by drawing their legs up to their bodies, and suspending themselves a couple of feet from the floor. “Is there anyone here to speak for Earth?” the judge asks.
No one speaks.
Then, in unison, all take puffs from their cigars.
The judge nods at the frogette who first spoke, and it continues. “Your frogness, each anchonet we sacrifice a small life-form in honor of our highness.
The anchonet has almost ended, so it is time that we select a candidate.
The sacrificial committee has unanimously recommended the planet Earth as the candidate!’ The judge waits a moment, then asks, “So there is no sophisticated life-form on the planet?” “Well, not really, your honor:’ the frogette says, mightily puffing the cigar.
The judge’s purple eyebrows raise and it peers over the desk, “You say ‘not really’ do you?
Not really???” He takes a puff of his cigar, coughs, and continues. “You know the rules of this court: We must make a planetary sacrifice each anchonet to our highness, but it cannot be a planet with a sophisticated life-form. You do know that, don’t you?” “Yes, your honor, and I have evidence that this planet Earth does not have a sophisticated life-form!’ The frogette makes a quick arm motion, a screen drops from the side wall, and the giant orb becomes a projector.
Without a word, image after image after image is shown on the screen. Vignette after excerpt after sound bit: Archie Bunker, Death Valley Days, Monday Night Football, Queen For A Day, Dobie Gillis, The Dating Game, Cable Shopping Network, The Joan Rivers Show, The Indy 500, My Mother The Car, Charlie’s Angels, Perry Como, Family Feud, Channel 2 News, Geraldo, Dallas, Bowling For Dollars, Sanford & Son, Runaway With The Rich and Famous, As The World Turns, Donahue.
The entire film lasts between fifteen and twenty minutes.
When it is over, the judge says, “This is pretty convincing evidence, but we must be certain without a shadow of a doubt!’ Without speaking, the frogette nods at the orb and a 60 second excerpt from Mr. Ed is shown on the screen.
The judge quickly nods and says, “Zap ’em!”
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, June 1990.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1990_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 7.
