Did you see the flashing lights on the highway when you were coming from Lambert Airport? There they were, on the top of a police car that was sitting on the side of the road. That police car, of course, was behind another car whose occupant was seated while the uniformed officer stood aside writing in his ticket book. Of course.
You were relieved. Naturally, you were glad that you weren’t getting the ticket! Your nickname isn’t “lead foot” for nothing. You also felt a little safer, knowing that the police were protecting you from a rapid roadster. That’s a natural reaction—I don’t want to be around crazy drivers either—but then it gets a bit more complex. Just like the bearded lady at the circus, it ain’t what it appears.
There’s been a lot of talk about speed traps and municipalities lately. Hardly a day goes by without some information about how some local towns can survive financially only because of the revenue that they receive from issuing traffic tickets and fines. Forget sales taxes and property taxes. Don’t worry about balancing the budget. Nope, just give your local gendarme a squad car and a flashing red light, and the bucks start rolling in. It seems ludicrous to be talking about this in 2015, but it’s true!
The “city” (note those quotes) of Moline Acres gets 34% of its operating revenue from court fines, while Normandy receives more than 38 percent. Then there’s that thriving metropolis of Vinita Terrace—how many people do you know who call it their home town???—which gets more than HALF of its budget from issuing traffic tickets according to Consumer Affairs. Holy Cow! (If that cow ain’t holy, she’s getting a ticket.)
The now infamous Ferguson, MO gets $2,000,000 annually from fines and fees of all kinds, mostly traffic tickets. This information comes from Better Together, an organization that has seen the light of day and recognizes the benefits of having fewer municipalities, school and police and fire protection districts, and hot dog stands. (No, I was kidding about the hot dog stands. I just put it there to see if you were paying attention.)
While I didn’t realize the depth of the problem, I’ve known about it for years. Anytime I am driving near Lambert Airport or UMSL, I drive extra s-l-o-w-l-y. It’s the same when coming east on I-170, the inner-belt, when passing through Clayton. This is one of the prices we pay for living in a metropolitan area with 90 municipalities and ten unincorporated areas in St. Louis County, alone. It’s why our crime statistics are so high and why our school districts are so disparate and sometimes desperate.
The natural reaction is to eliminate these small municipalities, get rid of the kangaroo courts, and reduce the overlap and redundancies of governments. Better Together is trying to do that, and I hope they succeed. Their approach is cost-efficient and logical. That almost guarantees that it won’t happen.
Instead, Hawkeye has a better solution. I think we should increase the number of government units. Why stop at 86 municipalities and 26 school districts? Think about it: We all could use extra revenue (cigars aren’t getting cheaper), so why not join the action? Think how great it would be if each of our homes was a taxing district. Besides the additional revenue we could get (wine isn’t getting cheaper), someone in each house would get to be mayor! Truthfully, doesn’t Mayor Hawkeye have a nice ring to it? Once we established our three branches of government in each home, we could go to work. (Cynical readers may be thinking that some households don’t have enough people to have someone in the executive, legislative, and judicial branches, but that’s OK. Many of our county kangaroo courts have prosecutors who are judges next door and vice-versa. Wearing more than one hat, getting to pass a law and then enforce it is part of the fun.)
Fun aside, let’s not forget that we’re in this for the revenue. My old car won’t go very fast, and I’m not likely to catch a speedster. Instead, I’m going to set a speed limit of .01 miles per hour on the sidewalk in front of my house. Anyone walking in front of my house who takes more than a step a minute will be subject to a $61 fine and $10 in court costs. And if they protest, I’ll add a $25 assessment for a bad attitude. I’m liking this already!
Tomorrow, I’ll propose to the legislature (that’s Onyx, my standard poodle) that we also fine neighbors who don’t pick up litter, allow their dogs to bark, or have a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker. Onyx is a good dog, so I know he’ll pass these laws. The first two laws will garner even more revenue (gin isn’t getting cheaper) and the third one will simply make me feel better. Anyone who voted for Bush/Cheney deserves to be fined!
I have more ideas but need to stop writing now. I’m going to go to the store and start selecting all of the items that I will buy with the bags of bucks that my municipality will earn. What are you waiting for? You, too, can turn your house into a city and fleece unsuspecting citizens as they head to Kayak’s. Set your laws, catch your neighbors, then cash their checks. Is this a great country, or what?
