Historical Summer 2006 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
As I write, the movie The Da Vinci Code is about to be released and it’s causing a great deal of hoopla. “Hoopla,” by the way, is an ancient term, found in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
The literal translation for it is Holy Smokes. (Holy Smokes, by the way, is what happens when the Pope slips away to the Vatican smoking area for a good cigar.) You’ve probably read The Da Vinci Code.
I mean, everyone I know has read it, and a few folks have read it more than once (did they expect a different ending?). It’s not high drama but it does keep one’s attention.
The author, Dan Brown, has an amazing ability to push things almost to the limit of reality, and then come back to what’s plausible.
He used to write speeches for Bill Clinton. More copies of The Da Vinci Code were sold than of any novel that doesn’t feature Harry Potter.
It made a gazillion bucks, and the movie will do even better. Personally, I was a bit disappointed to learn that Tom Hanks was playing the lead.
As I read it, I thought that the protagonist probably looked like Harrison Ford or me. Indeed, I sent the producers a letter as a way of introduction, and included some glossy photos of me, but I never heard back from them.
My guess is that they did some research and decided that my fee would be too high, so they settled for Hanks. It’s not a surprise that the book did so well.
I mean, how can you not like a book that has all the classic elements: a cult, murder in a museum, religion being shaken, a romantic interest, chase scenes, and a president who is a moron? What? Oh, that’s right: The president who’s a moron isn’t in the book; he’s just here.
When I first heard they were making a movie of the book, I wondered how the movie could draw crowds. What would possess people to see a movie about a book they’ve already read? You know the premise; you know the characters; you know what happens; you know how it ends. What lures you to stand in line and plunk down $9 for a seat on a sticky floor? Once again, however, the moguls of Hollywood have proven their worth.
First, they have leaked out teasers about the movie. Maybe things can change. Yep, you’ll have to go to the show to see for yourself!
In the book, Jesus is married to Mary Magdalen. Personally, that didn’t surprise me at all.
I couldn’t imagine that his mother, the Real Mary, wouldn’t have wanted a grandchild. So that wasn’t news in the book.
The movie, apparently, takes a bit of liberty with the book and is even more provocative.
A buddy of mine works for Barry Bonds, so he’s seen a preview of the movie.
He says that in it, Jesus doesn’t marry Mary Magdalen; he hangs around with Madonna, the singer not the icon, Martha Stewart, and Paris Hilton.
Now I don’t know how Madonna, the singer, not the icon, Martha, and Paris got in the movie, but I trust this guy.
He also says, by the way, that Bonds did not use steroids. John Travolta, I’m told, is in the movie too.
I forget which one of the disciples he is, but he’s the third from the right (is that stage right or stage left?) as you look at the painting of The Last Supper. He’s the one with long sideburns and cramming a piece of pizza in his mouth. Beyond featuring new characters and twists of plot, the movie, I’m told, parallels the book almost perfectly. “Almost,” however, covers a multitude of scenes. Or is that a multitude of sins? Or a multitude of scenes of sins??? Oh well. For example, although it’s a pageturner, the book doesn’t elicit many tears, The producers know that if you can get the audience to cry, they’ll recommend the movie to others (that explains the success of Brokeback Mountain), so they added some tearjerkers.
A very poignant scene, for example, is when Jesus is cut from his little league team because he can’t hit a curve ball.
He avoids the temptation to make every game a rainout since he can’t play, and doesn’t even smote the pitcher who struck him out to end the inning with a disciple on third. (It is an odd coincidence, though, that a few scenes later we note that a donkey is wearing the same baseball hat as the pitcher.) But perhaps the most evocative scene of all is when Jesus goes to a fortuneteller. Kids did this in ancient times.
After all, there were no malls.
She is wrapped in robes, massaging the crystal ball when young Jesus, accompanied by his girlfriend at the time, a lookalike for Hillary Clinton, inquires what the future holds. Of course, it wouldn’t be smart to give away the rest of the movie, so the fortune teller peers way, way into the future.
She predicts horseless carriages, color television, and is emphatic that there will be no Weapons of Mass Destruction found in Iraq. Yeah, it’s too bad that the present administration didn’t go to her!
When she hears this, by the way, the Hillary lookalike elbows Jesus in the side when she hears this, and offers a big smile. Beyond the flick, the movie producers have all kinds of other revenue ideas.
This is hightech and I can’t explain how they do it, but they’ve invented a way to make popcorn with the kernels shaped as they want! Yes, you’ve guessed it: This movie will feature popcorn in the shape of the disciples. Is that cool or what?
I can’t wait to cover Friar Tuck in butter.
They also will be selling baseball caps and sweatshirts that feature the icon and images from The Da Vinci Code. Supposedly you can wear the cap in a thunderstorm and you won’t be hit by raindrops or lightning. I’m not sure what the sweatshirt offers but the label warns that it will set of the metal detector at the airport.
They save the best for last, though. Ready?
When you buy the DVD of The Da Vinci Code – available just in time for the holiday shopping season (known as the Christmas shopping season in St. Charles) – you will have the option of picking one of three alternate endings for the movie. Isn’t technology wonderful? You can keep the traditional ending, that which appears in the movie. Or you can pick ending B or C.
In ending B, they find a scrapbook with pictures of Jesus and his family (OK, they’re artists’ depictions), and, I must tell you, if you envision him without a beard, he looks remarkably like Alfred E. Newman and George W. Bush. Ending C is where it turns out that Tom Hanks isn’t Tom Hanks at all.
He pulls off his plastic face and, lo and behold, he is really Dick Cheney. Make sure you finih your popcorn before you see that ending! Happy movie going and book reading.
In my next column I will divulge how the Metro Link expansion is really under budget.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Summer 2006.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2006_06.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
