Historical February–March 2006 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
My Dear Esteemed Friend, Please accept my apologies for contacting you in this manner.
I have received your name from a trusted friend, and he tells me that you are someone with whom I can deal in confidence.
My name is Hawkeye Q. Hoerr, and I am the son of the late Emperor of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Chester Drawers.
My esteemed father, Chester, met an untimely death a year and one-half ago.
He untimely died in his jail cell, choking on a Twinkie.
As you might suspect, we feel there was foul play.
My father, Chester Drawers, never ate Twinkies except on national holidays. Plus, Twinkies are known for their healthfulness. Prior to his untimely death, my revered father met an untimely incarceration as he and he fourth untimely wife, Patricia Cakes, a.k.a. Patty, were untimely imprisoned by the upstart Big-Hoo-Hah, James Nasium. Jim Nasium always had it in for my father, going back to the dates when Emperor Drawers tried to annex Clayton.
But I digress. Just before Chester and Patty were untimely seized by the Delmar militia, they were given timely warning by an under blanket agent, Sandy Beach.
My father and Sandy were old friends, and my father was also a friend with Sandy’s cousin, Miami. Realizing that my father, Chester Drawers, was in danger, Sandy drove through Skinker-DeBaliviere in her VW bug convertible with the top down, the radio on high volume and playing the alltime hits of Sonny and Cher.
She knew that would open all of the drawers. Indeed, dogs whined, windows cracked, and the lids on the trash dumpsters flopped in unison when “The Beat Goes On” was played at 1,500 decibels. (Alas, music like that isn’t made any more. Sonny and Cher are the musical equivalent of a Twinkie.) But I digress again.
With that timely notice of the untimely gestapo arrival, prior to being seized, my father deposited $182,000,000 USD in an offshore account in a timely manner. That may seem like a bit of money but, please, my father was an industrious business person.
As a child he was born in poverty, quitting school after the fourth grade.
He invested wisely his meager earnings.
The money has remained in the offshore account. Because my US citizenship is a bit in question, I am seeking a business partner to convert the funds for me. For this, you will be paid 25% of these funds, approximately $45,000,000 USD. For this you need simply act as my agent and help me start a new business in the States United of America.
To ensure that you are trustable and as an act of good faith, I simply need you to share some of your incidental information.
Please send the following information to me: the credit card number and expiration date for each of your major credit cards; your passport number; your electronic bank accounts and passwords; your drivers’ license number; your mother’s maiden name; the name of your favorite pet; where you attended high school; and how many angels can dance on the head of your pin.
We will be partners once I receive this information, kind person.
My trusted colleague, it will be glorious when all the funds are distributed. Praise be the lord and pass the ammunition! Hawkeye ********************** My Dear Esteemed Friend, It has been some time and I have not heard from you. Was I mistaken in your trustworthiness? Are you not the person of character described to me?
Here I am, an individual needing some minor assistance with my $182,000,000 USD, and yet you let me down. What kind of friend are you, anyway?
I do not mean to be overly critical in any way, kind person.
I simply am a bit frustrated as I cannot gain access to the spoils, I mean revenues, deposited by my untimely late father, Chester Drawers.
But you come with a high recommendation and it is clear why this is the case. You drive a hard bargain!
I will give you 50% of the revenue. No doubt you are surprised by my generosity but I am often referred to as a generous soul.
This is simply my way of helping other kind souls. For this $91,000,000 USD, which, as you know, would purchase many bangles, bobbles, and bows, I simply need your credit card number. Or, flexible soul that I am, I would be satisfied with just your timely credit card number and electronic bank account and password.
I hope your trust of me is not an issue, kind sir. Around here, I am commonly referred to as Trustable Hawkeye. Faith be with you, partner. Hawkeye ********************** Dear Friend, In a timely manner, I have just offered you $91,000,000 USD and you have not responded. How untimely of you. Surely kind sir, siress, madam, you could have use for ninety-one million dollars! Yet you ignore my entreaties. Is it something I’ve said? Do you not like the match between my tie and sportscoat? Is the parrot tie not to your fitting?
Please kind buddy or buddette, respond to me so that we can both retire to some resort.
All I need is your credit card number and happiness is yours. Hopefully yours in a timely manner, Hawkeye Q. ************************ Hey you, Do you have a problem?
I am tired of waiting for you, Godot.
But my generous soul overwhelms me.
If you simply give me your credit card number, I will guarantee you $180,000,000 USD. You drive a very hard bargain. Yes, good soul that I am, I will force myself to get by on $2,000,000 USD just to guarantee a wonderful and timely time for you, your wonderful friends, family, and fellow Sprint customers.
Please know the kind and gentle spirit in which I say this, but get on the stick! Your partner and friend, Hawkeye Q. Hoerr ************************
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2006.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2006_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
