Historical February 1993 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
I’ve finally decided.
After fifteen years of running schools, I’m changing professions. It’s not that I’m unhappy or unchallenged. No, if anything, I’m too happy and too challenged.
I believe in the law of averages, and knowing how many people dread going to work, it doesn’t seem fair that I should get up every morning excited about what I do for a living.
As much as I like my job, it probably means that two or three people have to hate theirs for things to even out. And that’s not fair. So I’m going to make the BIG MOVE. I’m leaving the school business. I’m going to get into dog grooming, poodles specifically.
Now this may sound like quite a switch to you. No doubt those of you who know me intimately – well, relatively intimately anyway — figured that I’d join the presidential diplomatic corps, given my polish and smooth demeanor. Or maybe you thought that I’d give it one more shot at professional football. Probably the bulk of you thought that I’d go to Hollywood and be a stand-in for Tom Selleck.
He and I are often confused, so this move wouldn’t require much work on my part. (I remember seeing him once on “Larry King Live,” and Larry asked him what was the most frustrating part of his life. Selleck got this funny look on his face and said, “Who’s this Tom Hoerr fellow anyway? Everywhere I go people keep confusing me with him.”) I’m not opting for something easy.
I want a challenge, one that will allow me to tap into my reservoir of unused artistic abilities and sophisticated small-motor control.
I don’t like the sight of blood, so neurosurgery is out. Dog grooming it is.
I mean, how difficult can it be to get the shears and start carving? And I like dogs.
I could set up a small studio, somewhere high overlooking the park with lots of windows, turn my CD up loud, programming 15 or 20 consecutive plays of Bob Dylan singing “It Ain’t Me Babe,” and away we go. Marketing has always been an interest of mine, so it’d be no great shakes to figure out a way to get all of the LaDue-ites to bring their pooches to my place. I’d feature a “Dudley Grove for Mayor” sign on the front door, so that would attract the young, smart set. I’d have an electronic board with running quotes from the New York Stock Exchange in my waiting room; that would attract the over-60 set. And to attract the poodle owners from Affton, I’d offer free jello salad.
To the owners, of course.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the range of poodle cuts. There’s what I term “The Bonaparte”; that’s the traditional goofy-looking one in which the dog’s stomach and neck are trimmed while hair is left around the chest and hips.
The dog winds up looking a bit like a wiener with a fungus. That will be a no-no at my shop.
If someone really wants a Bonaparte cut for their dog, they’ll either need to go to France or Belleville, whichever is closer. And if you watched “60 Minutes” not long ago, you may understand that France could be closer. And then there’s “The Perot” That’s where the dog is almost entirely clean shaven, but lots of hair is left around the ears. Dogs with this cut bark a lot and are very nervous. “The Bush” cut is one where you keep changing directions with the electric razor,going back and forth and reversing yourself; there’s no real goal. Usually four years of this cut is all a dog or its owner can take.
In “The Clinton cut,” you start out with big promises and begin cutting the dog delicately with surgical scissors. At the end you wind up using a lawnmower. Nope, I won’t be doing any of these.
My grooming shop will be totally apolitical (except for the “Schoemehl For Mayor In 1997” sign in the front window.) “The Punk” is a popular poodle cut these days.
The dog gets a semi-Mohawk on its head, complete with a rat-tail.
A few times, I’ve even seen this capped by the dog having a pierced earring on the dog’s the left ear! (Honest, I wouldn’t kid you about this.) Even I consider that bizarre.
A clip-on earring is another matter, of course.
I suspect selling clip-ons, particularly those featuring Snoopy or Goofy, would be a nice revenue source. Heck, some people might buy them for their dogs too.
Then there’s “The Sheep.” This is a cut in which only the hair around the dog’s eyes is trimmed.
The dog’s hair on the body keeps getting bigger and bigger, until the dog looks a bit like a giant fuzz ball with legs.
If you are considering a career in smuggling, this would be a great cut for your pet. It’s possible to hide pounds of contraband in the dog’s hair! And as long as the dog doesn’t have to go through the metal detector and you don’t mind fleas, you’re in the money.
An innovation I’ll introduce will be “The Buzz” (named after a guy I knew, sort of, in college). I’ve been practicing this with our elder dog, Maxie, and he looks quite nice. Yes, detractors might say that it looks like he walked into a buzz saw, but I think he looks rather handsome. He’s clearly pleased with himself, and stops to look in the mirror each time he walks by. Boomer, the distaff member of our twosome, is wanting a Buzz, but I’m not sure that it would go well with her complexion. Actually, I’m thinking of something a bit longer for her, to bring out her winter colors. Of course, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to poodle haircutting options. I’ll also offer “The Ashcroft” (lots of movement with a hot-air blower, but very little action), “The Cher” (a very long mane, no body hair, sequins glued to the skin), and “The Casper” (doesn’t really matter what it looks like, I’ll ask for your pardon afterwards). Gosh, I’m excited about this new career. No more early-morning breakfasts or late-night meetings. No more complaining staff members or unhappy parents. No more overflowing toilets without a plumber in sight.
All I have to worry about is dogs that bite, ticks, fleas, checks that bounce, and people who actually pay to have someone cut their dog’s hair. Coming soon: Dogs R Us!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February 1993.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1993_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
