Historical April–May 2000 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
If there’s anything that the coming of the new millennium has caused more than anxieties and flashlight purchases, it’s the creation of lists. Looking ahead means we are reflecting on where we’ve been: looking back, classifying, and counting.
There are lists for everything.
During the past week alone, for example, the TODAY show has offered lists for “The Biggest Villain in the Twentieth Century” (Hitler, hands down), “The Oddest Fashions of the Twentieth Century” (leisure suits were tied for #6 with reflecting sunglasses), and “The Most Important Books of the Past 1,000 Years” (no surprise, the winner was The Bible; Calvin and Hobbs: A Treasury was #6, A Confederacy of Dunces was #117 and The Wisdom of Dan Quayle was #23,106,334). Ambassador, the TWA in-flight magazine, offered “The Top Ten Technologies in the Evolution of Civilization” (#1 being the spinning wheel and #10 being computer vacuum tubes, #5 being silly putty ). Sports Illustrated featured the athletes of the Century and, as he was inside the ring, Ali remains numero uno.
The POST has been running a list of candidates for the St. Louis Person of the Century (which could be more accurately titled the St. Louis White Male Businessman of the Century); folks who didn’t make big bucks need not apply.
On “Meet the Press,” Bill Bradley and Al Gore were asked to list their picks for top presidents (guess which one cited Bill Clinton?), and not to be outdone, the peripatetic Geraldo has a t.v. show featuring “The Top Ten Cross-Dressers of the Twentieth Century” (J. Edgar Hoover only placed third). OK, so by now you’ve figured it out.
This month’s column is going to be a list. Lists are, after all, easier to write than regular narratives and not unlike our president, I’m into what’s easy. I’m paid by the adjective, mind you, so a column of lists result in a small financial sacrifice on my part, but that’s acceptable to humble, wise, hirsute, jaded, lanky, polymath me (the adjectives count the same, whether or not they’re accurate).
But even though it will be easier on me, you, dear reader, are, I’m sure, tired of lists. So considerate soul that I am, instead of giving you a list, i.e. a category and litany, I’m reversing things a bit. I’ll offer the list and then let you select the category.
If I said, lions, tigers, and cougars, for example, for $50 the correct category would be… right: sports teams! Got it?
Here goes: 1.
In the list of Cher, Madonna, Liz Taylor, Donna Summer, and Ali McBeal, the correct category is: (a) women who married men shorter than them, (b) women you wouldn’t bring home to mom, (c) women you would bring home:to dad, or (d) women whose success shows that talent isn’t everything.
The answer is (e) all of the above. 2.
In the list of Freeman Bosley, Bill Clinton, Senator Ashcroft-Bond, and Jet, “don’t call me propellor,” Banks, the correct category is (a) elected officials who fill lotsa columninches in the POST, (b) elected officials who never fail to disappoint, (c) elected officials who talk a lot but never really say anything or (d) elected officials who offer the best reason for term limits.
The answer is (d). 3.
In the list of tatoos with misspellings, pierced noses in winter, hair color that is never found in nature, and 60’s clothes coming back that was never here in the first place, the correct category is (a) things in the Lands’ End catalogue, (b) why Parkmoor really closed, (c) what can be purchased on Delmar in the Loop, or (d) what’s seen on the trendy set at the Bread Company The answer is (c). 4.
In the list of Linda Tripp, the correct category is (a) a woman you’d never confide in, (b) someone who made Monica look good, (c) the revenge of Alexander Graham Bell, or (d) no, Linda, not just like you & me.
The answer is (a). 5.
In the list of too noisy, unsafe, unsightly, and Not In My Backyard, the correct category is (a) the Art Museum Expansion, (b) the water area for the elephants at the Zoo, (c) the new Pageant Theater on Delmar, or (d) the above-ground Metrolink expansion down the Forest Park Expressway.
The correct answer is (f) none of the above. 6.
In the list of the downtown Serra Sculpture, the Columbia, IL airport, the soon-to-be-built new baseball stadium, and the highway 40 repairs.
The correct category is (a) government boondoggles, (b) money spent for things that we don’t want, (c) proof that things can be both ugly and dysfunctional, or (d) things that make the TWA dome look like a good investment.
The correct answer is (e) all of the above. 7.
In the list of John Travolta, George W. Bush, Lawrence Phillips, and General George Armstrong Custer, the correct category is (a) people who would never release their college transcripts, (b) people who have been off drugs for at least nine years, (c) people who have been portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in a film, or (d) people you’d never vote for.
The correct answers are (a), (b), and (d). 8.
In the list of Monica Lewinsky, Marilyn Monroe, Paula Jones, Kate Summersby, and Sally Hemmings, the correct category is (a) women who made the headlines, (b) ‘women who have lots of talents, (c) women who give new meaning to the term First Ladies, or (d) women Jerry Springer would die for.
The correct answer is (d). Next issue: The list of reasons why the City of St. Louis should not agree to merge with the county.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2000.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2000_04.pdf, printed page(s) 12; PDF page(s) 11.
