Historical humorous column by Tom Hoerr, October 1984. Cookie-judging criteria and comic references describe the original source period.
As one who has spent a large portion of his waking hours exploring the virtues of the chocolate chip cookie, I think it only fair to pass along some erudite comments to you, the masses.
First, let’s clear up some basic misconceptions: All chocolate chip cookies are not alike. God may have created all men equal and all sunrises beautiful, but She sure didn’t make all cookies alike.
The second misconception centers around the myth of whether a cookie must be homemade or can be storebought. Contrary to a good deal of legend and hearsay, there is nothing inherently superior about a home-made cookie. (In fact, some of my worst chocolate chip cookies were home-made.
My wife’s recipe for toast is “cook until black and then scrape,” so you can guess what her cookies are like!) Having set some of the record straight, I’d like to talk a bit about The Times Cookie Contest (noted elsewhere in the tabloid). I mean, you’ve got to take your hat off to any institution that chooses to raise its money by a cookie contest, right? Who wants tried and semi-true efforts like car washes, bake sales, bike rides, public floggings, raffles, and bingo when we can be creative and raise money while making a real contribution to mankind?
Unlike other fund-raising efforts of The Times (nee The Paper), such as the toilet-paper-in-the-mouth-stuffing-contest or the time we all bid on Cal Stuart’s pipes, this one is strictly serious.
There really is a $100.00 first prize. Honest! That’s one hundred bucks American.
All contestants will receive some kind of prize and everyone attending the party will get to sample the cookies. What more could one want (other than belly dancers, cheap cigars, and winning football team)? Sounds like a splendid night, eh?
Well, if you’ve followed me so far and you’re considering entering the fray, then I’ll make your reading worthwhile! Yes, you’ve guessed it, yours truly is going to be one of the contest’s judges! That’s right, drawing on my sensitive palate, my knowledge of the culinary arts, and my reputation as a neighborhood leader (plus the fact that I’ve already paid my $25.00 “judgeship fee”), I’ll be weighing and choosing among the entrants.
My taste buds and sansi-belt slacks can hardly wait. Anyway, if you’re a possible entrant and would like a tip or two from one of the knowledgeable judges, here are the criteria which I’ve found useful in assessing the worth of chocolate chip cookies across several continents (Affton, LaDue, London, and British Columbia):
(1) Full body or dry—The exceptional cookie should taste of sweetness and light; mankind’s goodness and worth should be manifested in each morsel; truth and beauty should pervade each crumb; the cookie should not taste like either puppy-dog tails or used tongue depressors.
(2) Color—Bright green, puce, orchid and mellow-yellow are no-nos. Good chocolate chip cookies generally favor the hue found as background in any of the “Combat” television shows. Plaid cookies will be discussed next month.
(3) Texture—The key here is softness.
To rate a “9” or “10” a super cookie must have some flexibility and bend to a limited degree. Hard cookies, like hard women, don’t rate high. Conversely, though, a cookie that can be tied to resemble a pretzel is a bit too malleable.
(4) Odor—A good cookie smells only of dough and chocolate. “Two-day odors” or smells which are generally removed with hand soap should be avoided.
(5) Density—A truly great cookie cannot be used as a paper weight, hockey puck, room divider or Operation SafeStreet Barricade.
(6) Shape—Contrary to folklore, winning cookies need not be circular. Good cookies have been known to be shaped to resemble letters of the alphabet, legs and other body parts, and Latin American republics.
On the other hand, if you later plan to use your cookies to serve as wheels on a Twinkie go-cart, round is better.
(7) After-taste—Fine cookies are tasted only once, on the way down. Enough said.
(8) Bouquet—Does the exemplary cookie, indeed, resemble a flower?
(9) Clarity—An excellent cookie ought to be crisp and snappy; cookies whose taste resemble either an old Mexican taco or a Mondale bumper sticker are totally unacceptable.
In closing, I’d like to add that chocolate chip cookies are best in a triad with cold milk and a good cheap cigar. Diet Dr. Pepper and a good cheap cigar is another winning combination as is Hawaiian Fruit Punch and a good cheap cigar. (The cigar is a constant in these equations because it’s needed to combat that nauseating taste one gets after brushing one’s teeth!) Happy cooking. I’ll see you and your cookies on November 17!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, October 1984.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1984_10.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
