Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, May 1984. Letter, criminal uncle and dioxin-storage rumor are comic inventions, not factual incident reports.
Easter Sunday 1984 Dear Uncle, Thanks for your last letter.
I know it’s been a while and my response is overdue, but it seems that I’m a little behind on everything these days. I am pleased to hear that things are going well for you.
The new warden sounds great and, I agree, it’s awfully good that he hasn’t recognized you yet. Talk about bad luck! Who would have ever thought that the hostage you took in the last robbery would be a “corrections officer,” and a warden at that?
If he does recognize you, don’t forget to remind him that the mace was the police’s idea, not yours.
Besides, how many people, ask him, get to enjoy a thirty-seven day vacation in a remote cabin with free room and board? (On second thought, don’t say that.
He might reply by asking how many people get to spend thirty-seven days wearing a paper bag at gunpoint.) You asked about the neighborhood. Things are just fine in Skinker-DeBaliviere. Believe it or not, the Mayor actually lives right here! No, it’s not John Roach, Cal Stuart, or that Mike who ran for alderman, it’s Vince Schoemehl. No, not Vince Schoemehl, the paperhanger; it’s Vince Schoemehl, his son, the raconteur.
He seems to be doing a good job, but who can tell? It’s a little like Whitey Herzog; is it Whitey’s fault when Bob Forsch has a bad outing? Vince gets a lot of criticism from certain parts of the media and there are always pickets a-marchin’ up and down the street, so he must be doing something right! You said that you hoped we would have good weather for our Mother’s Day Art Fair and House Tour . .. well, another shibboleth by the wayside, we no longer have a Mother’s Day Art Fair and House Tour.
It was dropped a few years ago due to “lack of interest.” Funny, because there was really quite a bit of interest. I think what happened, Uncle, is that our folks simply got tired of sprucing up the neighborhood and dusting furniture.
As you may recall, Skinker-DeBaliviere was the first neighborhood in St. Louis to have a house tour, but by now just about everyone has one.
By everyone, I mean the City neighborhoods.
The county doesn’t have neighborhoods and they consider a good weekend one in which the weather allows them to all wave to one another while they wash their cars.
By the way, thanks for the photo. I didn’t know they would let you dress like that! You must be awfully proud. Imagine, having the only floor-length gold lame in your cellblock.
When you write next, please tell me a bit more about the person with you. I assume that the snake isn’t a real one (I can’t believe they would let you have snakes that big in your cell) and that his teeth were all blacked out for the camera, right? It’s a shame that Aunt Fido can’t see the picture, your tattoo really does look like a zipper. They’ve closed off a number of streets around here. Remember Des Peres (commonly mispronounced “diz perez”) Avenue? It’s now blocked off just this side of Delmar—no, not by an abandoned car, by the City, official-like!
The street is now desolate from Delmar to Waterman, it kind of looks like a Hollywood ghost town from one of those ’50s movies where there was an A-bomb warning and everybody fled. I don’t know what they’ll do with the emptiness now, although I’ve heard it rumored that the area might be used for a dioxin storage site.
Some of the folks are unhappy about the closing, but what do you expect? I think it depends on your definition of a neighborhood.
If you’re a neighborhood person who understands what it really means to live in a neighborhood, you probably like the barriers.
If you’re a neighborhooder, you’ll likely see the inconvenience as minimal.
If you don’t understand neighborhoods or are a criminal (nothing personal, Uncle!), then you’re apt to be displeased.
Speaking of Mayor Vince, he is proposing a “head tax” of $5 per employee per month.
I know that what he’d really love to do instead is tax all the westco suburbanites who drive on our streets, proclaim St. Louis as their home, and enjoy City amenities.
Since he can’t do that, this “head tax” is probably the next best way. I may write him, though, and suggest that instead he levy a tax on polyester or place a surcharge on boredom; either approach would accomplish his goal!
The Art Fair/House Tour has been replaced, by the way, by the Rosedale “Rags to Riches” Rummage Sale, held this year on June 9. It’s a real hoot.
Instead of people tracking mud in your house to see what makes you tick (“How many bedrooms do you have?”; “Is that real exposed brick?”; “Can my son use your bathroom?”), people can tell about you by the “junk” you sell.
I was embarrassed by some of the items for sale (people actually sold ties and clocks!), but there were buyers for everything. Too bad you can’t be here to sell those “genuine” Seiko watches that you used to turn out on your copying machine. Oh yes, we’re finally going to get cable television!
Even you wouldn’t believe how this deal was cut, dear Uncle.
I haven’t seen anything like it since you purchased all that jewelry at a discount in the back alley. Imagine, if you can, a situation in which things had deteriorated so far that Tom Zych actually played the role of mediator! Enough said. Uncle, I must go now. Do enjoy your stay; after all, 1997 is closer than it seems.
By the time you’re out again, we’ll probably have opened Des Peres Avenue, given up on cable television, started a Father’s Day Art Fair and House Tour, and be almost done with construction on Highway 40. Your loving nephew, Tom
Originally published in The Paper, May 1984.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1984_05.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
