Historical satire by Tom Hoerr, May 1983. The exaggerated smoking, military and public-figure statements are comic inventions, not health advice or factual reporting.
Cigars aren’t my favorite things in the world, but they’re certainly near the top of the list. Granted, there are lots of things I esteem more than cigars — lobster, convertibles, snow, chocolate chip cookies, winning seasons and the Rolling Stones – but there are many, many more things which I like far less than cigars — asparagus, broken air conditioners, speeding tickets, crying babies, “Family Feud,” and losing seasons.
The latter list could go on and on (compiling a list of television shows one doesn’t like is very easy). It’s clear that cigars, as we educators would say, “are in the top quartile, percentage-wise ” There are times when cigars are absolutely indispensible. Filling out income tax forms requires a cigar (and a tepid beer). Cigars are preferred in most brokerage houses if you’re going to sell stocks and required if you’re buying.
Many southern states mandate that legislators begin smoking cigars after their thirty-first birthday or first bribe, whichever comes first.
Most prevelant, though, are cigars in the War Room with generals and admirals. Can you imagine the command to attack being given without a cigar?
If lasting peace is ever to be achieved, banning cigars from military installations would be a good initial step. It’s hard to conceive of General Westmoreland pressing the red button while chewing bubble gum. How effective would Winston Churchill have been with a Tiparillo? Perhaps the real attraction of cigar smoking is best evidenced by a list of luminaries who smoke the “green ropes”: Lt. Col. Henry Blake; Walter Matheau; Whitey Herzog; Roger Perry; Bonnie Barrow (Clyde’s sidekick); Richie Cunningham; Jane Byrne; James Watt; the Beachboys; Phyllis Schlafly; Zorro; Jack Carney; Perry “Great Caesar’s Ghost” White; Sister Teresa; former Governor Jerry Brown; Muffy Elliot; Bill Cosby; Yoda; Joan Rivers; Gary Coleman; Pug Henry; most 1973 Pontiacs; Lauren Bacall; and yours truly. You’ll note that thus far I’ve simply talked about cigars without respect to quality. I’ve purposely not mentioned “good,” “fine,” “excellent,” or, even, “adequate” cigars.
The issue of cigar goodness poses a major philisophical debate for cigar smokers. Indeed, there are some who would say “any cigar is a good cigar; if it don’t move, smoke it!” (In all candor, however, this group is overshadowed by the legions of folks who would say that good cigars are like disco-singing ballet dancers; no such beast exists!) Not that I’m a connoisseur, mind you (I once smoked half a link of pork sausage before I found out it wasn’t a cigar!), but I’d suggest a middle ground. Cigars are like combination pizzas; there are some good ones and some bad ones. (It’s easier to tell with a combination pizza, though.
If the pizza is floating in grease rather than the grease floating on the pizza, it’s probably not good.) As a service to the cigar smokers of the world, then, I’d like to list the criteria for judging a good, fine, and mighty cigar.
There are five qualities which are important: appearance; odor; hold; burn; and taste. Cost and shoe size are not legitimate criteria for judging the worth of cigars. Appearance is easy: Does it look like a cigar?
No matter how good otherwise, a cigar that is shaped like a triangle will not be popular. Likewise, trapezoid cigars and cigars shaped like telephones have not traditionally been best sellers.
While color is not a major factor, dark solids are preferred except in LaDue where I understand pink and green striped cigars are the rage. Odor is a very important consideration.
If the cigar doesn’t emit smoke, it simply won’t be a good cigar.
The best cigar smoke is dense, noxious, somewhat repugnant, with a stinging sensation on the skin. Raw onions have been known to quiver when a fresh belch of cigar smoke comes their way. Keeping away mosquitos in the summer is an often-overlooked advantage of smoking a cigar whose odor has “character.” Hold is a key factor.
A cigar should be holdable.
This probably accounts for the failure of the infamous Schwartz “Green Rope Cigar.” This long-lasting cigar, designed by the Schwartz brothers in the 1930s, weighed over 350 lbs. and was three and one-half feet long. Eight hundred were produced, but none were sold. (During WWII they were hollowed out and used as incendiary bombs over Germany.) Burn is naturally important.
A cigar should burn neither too quickly nor too slowly.
If it takes more than one Bic to fire up your stogie, you’ve got a problem. Likewise, if smoking the rope gives you constantly singed eyebrows and a first-degree burn on your nose, that’s a problem (unless you’re Barry Manilow. There’s a good reason for his nose to be burned.) If neighbors ask to borrow a cigar for barbecuing dinner, something’s amiss.
Finally, taste. I placed this last because cigar taste is very subjective.
Unlike the number of angels able to dance on the head of a pin or the question of whether or not there is a “Bigfoot,” people can actually disagree over the taste of a cigar! Good cigars have a great taste.
My “Thompsons” are wonderful (remember, I belong to the mail order “Cigar of the Month Club”), but their taste is hard to describe. I mean, how would you tell someone who’s never had an egg how it tastes? (No, cigars do not taste like eggs.). Suffice to say, a good cigar is worthwhile, relaxing, and enjoyable … especially when filling out taxes, declaring war, buying stocks, or leering.
Now that you know the nuances of cigars, you’re halfway to holding valuable knowledge which will enable you to move up the hierarchy to attain a position of power. Next month we’ll conclude the briefing as “In Your Ear” discusses “dressing for success” and “seventeen ways to arrange the papers on your desk so it looks like you’re busy.”
Originally published in The Paper, May 1983.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1983_05.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
