Historical satirical column by Tom Hoerr. The ten comic proposals, exaggerated service calls and body jokes are preserved as period humor, not event plans or practical advice.
Well, by now you’ve probably heard. It’s official, or at least as official as these kinds of things can be: there will be no more Skinker-DeBaliviere Art Fair/House Tour as we know it. Yep, at an Oct. 15 meeting, Susie Roach’s invention was finally put to rest. I’ll miss ol’ Art (again, assuming that he really is cancelled and, unlike Lazarus, stays put to rest). I think he served the neighborhood very well.
In fact, unlike the many cavilers and careers, I suspect that Art has quite a few good years left.
But that’s a topic for another time. Given the decision to cancel the Mom’s Day extravaganza, the question has to be “What next?” Replacing the Art Fair/House Tour won’t be easy, and I suggest we begin by establishing the criteria for the event.
First, it should be fun.
After that, the following considerations ought to be present: it should attract favorable publicity to the neighborhood; it should elicit mass participation; it should require minimal expenses; and, if possible, it should be fattening.
With these elements in mind, here are a few suggestions for neighborhood functions to be held in lieu of the annual Mother’s Day event:
(1) Dollie Parton Look-Alike Contest.
This would certainly satisfy the requirement of attracting crowds!
To make it more exciting, we might require entrants to also be able to maintain balance for at least five minutes without tottering.
(2) Free Money Give Away.
This is a sure winner. Simply give ten and twenty dollar bills to everyone who attends and generate lots of advance publicity.
This would guarantee a big crowd and would get us a good deal of publicity.
The drawback is that it might be costly.
(3) Annual Political Protest.
This would be a good chance for all ex-hippies to get your fatigue jackets and tattered jeans out of mothballs. We’d simply set a date and everyone would vote for the political movement of their choice. There’s certainly no shortage of viable topics: nuclear power plants, the draft, cuts in social welfare, the football Cardinals not leaving town. Heck, there’s always the Maryland Parking Garage!
(4) Peanut Butter Multi-Use Exposition.
A great opportunity for resourceful planners and fast-food freaks. Given a gallon jar of peanut butter and 30 minutes, how many different ways can you find to use the stuff?
This is intense. We’re not talking about p.b. and jelly, p.b. and bagels, etc. I mean p.b. and ear wax, p.b. as an aid to home insulation, p.b. to help kids learn how to swim (they wouldn’t need to hold their noses closed, silly!).
(5) Izod Contest. How many Izods can dance on the head of a pin? Better yet, how many Izods can you get in a Volkswagen?
The only catch is that the Izods would have to be on articles of clothing worn by 200+ lb. go-go dancers.
The feat would require a very old Volkswagen and lots of vaseline. I can see it now—the Kingsbury Animal Hospital parking lot would look like the Everglades!
(6) Raquel Welch Look-Alike Contest.
We could hold this right after the Dolly Parton Look-Alike Contest.
The losers of the first contest would just need to change wigs.
(7) Richard Nixon Memorial Parade.
This could be held to finally answer the question, “What if they gave a parade and nobody came?” Now if only we could get someone to walk in it, besides Pat, Julie, and David.
(8) The AAA Lottery Contest.
Each neighbor could place an Emergency Road Service call with his AAA card. We’d then wager to see how many hours it would take for the first truck to come. Losers could recoup their losses by betting on how long it would take for all of us to get surly letters from AAA complaining about our having used their service.
If you think this is a sore spot, you’re right. Check the October 1980 “In Your Ear.” (Does anybody really have back issues?)
(9) Sponsor a Juggling Contest.
This would attract a host of jugglers, clowns, and CPAs.
The losers would all juggle in vain (said the vampire).
(10) Food Fight. Resembling society, this one has lots of rules, but none of them are followed.
Everyone brings their favorite food and stands inside a 20-foot circle.
At a given signal (probably a belch) everything goes.
The winner is the person who manages to get the most food on himself.
The loser is the winner’s spouse. Oh well, I don’t know if these will meet our criteria, but they’re worth a try.
If all else fails, we might try having some kind of day in which several neighborhood houses are open for visiting. Only this time we’ll have enough residences available to attract a really good crowd.
We could also simultaneously hold some kind of artists’ competition. Maybe we could even sell food and have entertainment! Heck, if we get really brazen, we might even try pulling off a costumed run….
Originally published in The Paper, November 1981.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1981_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
