Historical fundraising humor by Tom Hoerr. The playful adoption and dependent-tax language is preserved as source humor, not current tax advice.
The St. Louis Zoo has nothing on The Paper! Like everybody else, our costs have risen (along with the yeast) and our income is stable (what income?), so, yep, you’ve guessed it: here’s your opportunity to adopt a part of The Paper!
Holy Zows! Now you can own a baby paragraph, an infant column, a playful article (Whoops! It’s your turn to change him, honey …), a loveable photo, or even, a majestic page. Imagine the envy of your friends when you announce that you’ve adopted a portion of The Paper. Think of all the advantages: there’s that big deduction on your taxes for having a dependent; you won’t have to worry about her dating a guy who drives a van; no saving for college; never arguing about what to wear to school. The Paper is a very domesticated animal, it only eats dollars and cents and requires no housebreaking (in fact, if housebreaking is a concern, The Paper may come in handy. That reminds me of the story about the newspaper’s big advantage over radio: Who ever heard of wrapping fish in a radio?).
Seriously now folks … humor aside (whaddya mean, “What humor?”), The Paper is in need of money. Costs have risen and we, like you, are hurting. Listen closely (read closely?) to our offer; it’s limited to the first 500. (Unless the next 500 are really determined — we’d be willing to make exceptions.)
For only $1.00 you can be the proud parent of any punctuation mark or word of your choice (even the ubiquitous #(0.?%4!#%@ heard when you hit your finger with a hammer). For $5 you can adopt a photo or graphic. For $10 you can be the proud parent of any column or article (Note: This does not imply editorial control over Vicissitudes!) And for $25 you can be the proud parent of an entire page!!! (Some nobelmen went their whole lives without ever owning a page …)
Simply send your contribution to 6120 Westminster, 63112 and we’ll have your birth announcement listed in the next issue. Whoever said being a parent was so difficult, anyway?
Originally published in The Paper, May 1978.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: The printed “nobelmen” is retained.
Original source: SD_Times1978_05.pdf, printed page(s) 2; PDF page(s) 2.
