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Historical November–December 2008 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
So by the time you read this puppy, the presidential election will be history.
I write the week of Halloween, when the McCain versus Obama contest is in the ninth inning.
But shortly it will be history and millions upon millions of people will be voting for their candidate.
My prediction – you heard it here first – is that CNN will make the call for the Big O on election night, by 8:00 p.m. Of course, gulp, as I write I also realize that the Supreme Court is waiting on the sidelines, rubbing hands with glee, ready to jump in and be the deciders if the door is left open a tiny crack. Hopefully that won’t happen again.
To reduce the possibility, we should not allow anyone to vote whose name is Chad.
After all, if the election ain’t decided by the time this issue is on your doorstep, we’re in big trouble. It’s easy to write about a presidential election – especially this one.
There are always possibilities to prod and ridicule, and this election is more ripe than the norm.
If you thought Nixon versus McGovern was a hoot, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
In this election, the candidates are so striking, they’re almost caricatures. Actually, they are caricatures. Think about it: If you were writing a soap opera or high school musical, you’d likely come up with the same four kinds of people. There’s the grizzled war veteran, limping a bit, filled with courage, and just maybe a bit out of touch. There’s the senior senator, a looker but too glib and polished for some. There’s the new face on the front, a, gasp, person of color, complete with an Ivy League degree and background as a community organizer! OK, the editor would probably tell you that this is too wild to be true, and ask you to come up with a more reasonable character, maybe an orphan or ex-priest. And saving the best for last, there’s the former beauty queen from Alaska, a governor who hunts and kills wild animals and wears a banana clip in her hair. Whoa, Nellie!
With this cast of characters, how could you go wrong? Granted, no one would believe that these slates were plausible, but still… If we can suspend reality for a bit and pretend that these folks could really be on a national ticket, this crew could be fun.
I can see them now, dancing and singing in harmony on the stage. Will Smith is the person of color, Fred Thompson is the war vet, Paul Newman was the senior senator, and a youthful Annette Funicello is the Alaskan governor. (Tina Fey is too busy for the role.) Alas, life isn’t that easy.
We can’t leave this musical at the intermission.
These are the real candidates. Yeah, who’d have thunk? And that’s my point this month, dear reader, why are these the choices from which we have to pick? Who would have thunk? (In the interests of full disclosure, I wore my Obama t-shirt this morning to basketball, so I’m greatly biased, but my point holds: Why are these the choices from which we have to pick?) I’ve heard lots of folks express frustration with our electoral process and say that they wish they could vote for that elusive candidate, None Of The Above. He’d garner lots of votes – or is it she?
In any case, he/she/it would get lots of votes and maybe would win, but then what? It’s hard to imagine None Of The Above swearing in on the Bible or giving the State of the Union address.
Some have even suggested that None Of The Above be on the ballot, and no candidate could be elected until the winner received more than 50% of the vote. That sounds good but I can see the election going on for months and months, with no candidate getting a majority. Sooner or later we’d give in and elect someone who was clueless. (Oops, we just did that — twice!) Why are we lacking strong and good candidates, lots of them?
The problem, of course, is that it’s no longer fashionable for the best and brightest to go into government service. Today, Abe Lincoln would probably be a corporate lawyer, making a gazillion bucks. FDR would be running a cable television company, Teddy Roosevelt would be a fund-raiser for the National Wildlife Federation, and Ike would have remained the president of Columbia University. You see, the election process has evolved in such a way that it dissuades people from wanting to get in politics.
It discourages them too!
I mean, who wants to be under such scrutiny? It’s hard to be a statesperson when communication is instant, continuous, and pervasive. And sometimes the communication is even correct. So now what? We’re left with a process that all too often doesn’t yield the kinds of folks who ought to be leading our country.
But what if it wasn’t like this? What if YOU could pick the president? That’s right, what if it was YOUR choice? No, I don’t mean that you’d vote and choose between candidates X and Y; I mean what if you could appoint someone to be president? That’s right: appoint. You get to pick anyone you want to be president.
This person only needs to meet the requirements of the office: be a US citizen, have no felony record, be age 35 or older, and, oh yes, your presidential appointee must be alive. And here’s the key: Because you can appoint him/her/it, this person need not have traveled through the political process. That’s right: This person need not be a politician. You appoint the president. Yes, you! Your appointment to the presidency could be a business person, an athlete, an academic, or an artist. For that matter, of course, s/he could be a politician; there’s no rule against it. Indeed, if you have enough hubris, you can name yourself president. And to make it easier for your president to do what’s right, we’ll remove the re-election problem. Your candidate is appointed by you for one eightyear term. Who’s your choice? You get to determine the president, so who is it gonna be?
Please send me an email with your selection. Send your presidential pick to Hawkeye at trhoerr@AOL.com. Your responses will be fodder for a future column.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2008.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Source lists no felony record among presidential eligibility requirements; historical satirical text retained, not accurate legal guidance.
Original source: SD_Times2008_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
