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Historical February 1994 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Truth is stranger than fiction. There’s simply no doubt about it.
All you have to do is pick up the front page and begin to read. There’s the Bobbitt case. Suffice it to say that no matter how you cut it, it’s a tragic situation. And then there’s the never-ending Tonya Harding skating saga.
As this is being written, everyone around her is implicated and her bodyguard says that she was part of the plan; she denies everything.
All we know is that someone’s on thin ice.
Then Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh comes out with a report saying that, basically. Presidents Reagan and Bush both were aware of the arms-forhostage deals, and that both covered up.
The weather is colder in St. Louis and Boston than it is in Minnesota. And finally, Disney has troubles in France! Yes, Disney, the same Disney who could make money on Mars, finds out that the French version of culture is different than ours. It’s all simply amazing. So after all of that, you probably think that there’s nothing possibly left that could be surprising. You probably think that all of the crazy and wild and wacko news has been published. Wrong. There’s more.
In fact, what’s left is so bizarre, that it couldn’t get published anywhere. Anywhere, that is, except for the news-breaking Times of .SlcinkerDeBaliviere! Yep, that’s right.
This little tabloid is going to share all and set you straight.
As you’ll see, none of the stories have hit the front pages yet because there are tiny bits and pieces which still need to be hammered down, firmed up, and agreed upon.
This will happen, though, shortly. So get ready, and remember that you read it here first!
Here are The Top Untold Stories of 1993 I . DOWNTOWN GAMBLING LEASE GOES TO TED DREWES’.
In an end-of-year, late night deal, local ice cream entrepreneur Theodore Drewes, Jr. secretly signed a 25 year lease for the downtown property just north of Laclede’s Landing.
A Drewes spokesperson says that he plans to create a combination gambling casino and ice cream parlor. “You know,” he said, “gambling not only costs lots of money, it bums lots of calories! People will be able to gamble and cat ice cream all night, without gaining weight.” 2. HALF OF FOREST PARK SOLD TO COUNTY. Technically, of course, half of Forest Park wasn’t really “sold.” No money changed hands.
But Mayor Bosley, it has learned, has agreed to give county residents 50% of the scats on a to-be created Forest Park Commissioners Panel.
In exchange for this, the County has agreed to open up two homeless shelters, one in downtown Clayton, the other near Plaza Frontenac. Talks are still underway about whether or not the County government will provide transportation to the Plaza Frontcnac homeless shelter. City officials feel that this is essential, but County representatives are less enthusiastic about this aspect of the plan. LaDue representatives, we learned, having lost the vote to accept the homeless, were primarily concerned about whether or not signs would be erected in the yards of the shelters. 3. LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS NBA TEAM TO MOVE TO ST. LOUIS.
In a secret deal.
The Times learned, the owners of the professional basketball team, the Clippers, have agreed to move to St. Louis after the end of the 1993-94 basketball season.
This is, according to all sources, basically a “done deal.” The only hold-up is that the Clippers ownership wants to create a home court ambience that is similar to that in LA.
As a result, plans are undcrway to renovate the midtown Fox Theater into a basketball arena.
The giant lions in the lobby will serve as impetus for changing the team’s name to the St. Louis Lions (the Clippers would’ve never sailed in St. Louis anyway). Talks are also underway with officials at St. Louis University to pursue using the site for the Billiken games as well. 4. OFFICIALS DELIGHTED: LIGHT-RAIL LOSES MONEY. Despite ridership that is 50% more than anticipated, running true to form (late!), Bi-State has managed to lose money on the light-rail system.
A Bi-State official explained, “Well sure there are more riders, but that meant that we needed to add more trains, and that meant more staff, and that meant…” In a surprise move, the Missouri State legislature will agree to contribute millions per year to subsidize the system.
But rumors have it that faced with the possibility of breaking even or, maybe even, making money on light-rail, Bi-State officials are considering reducing the number of trains to keep ridership down so that they can maintain their consistent loss pattern. 5. SCHNUCKS TO ADD SECOND FLOOR!
In a move to remain competitive with other giant mega-supermarkets, it has been learned that there are plans to add a second floor to the Schnucks at Hanley and Clayton avenues. Special escalators. designed to accommodate shopping carts, will be installed and the entire facility will more than double in size, complete with underground parking.
The highlight of the expansion will be the furniture mart located at the southwest corner of the second floor; newspaper coupons will allow purchasers to save up to 33% on any combination sofa-dishwasher. 6. POST TO BE PUBLISHED EVERY-OTHER DAY.
In a move widely acclaimed by the publishing world, Pulitzer Publishing will announce that the actual newspaper will only be produced and distributed on evennumbered days.
On odd-numbered days. the Pasts electronic news-link will report the news. Readers who do not have a modem can get the news from either CNN or by listening to Rush Limbaugh on KMOX.
In an attempt to stave off great consumer unhappiness, however, coupons and cartoons will still be delivered each day before the sun rises. 7. PRESIDENT CLINTON TO VISIT St LOUIS TO OPEN RENOVATED KIEL AUDITORIUM. President William Rodham Clinton will announce that he will personally come to St. Louis to officially cut the ribbon at the opening of the “new” Kid Auditorium.
In honor of Clinton’s visit, the first public event will be a hamburger catoff. Hamburger eating teams from fourteen schools will be poised, ready to eat away, waiting for President Clinton to take the first bite.
The team that first eats all of its burgers will be declared the Beef cake Team of 1994.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February 1994.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1994_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
