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Historical May 1987 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Dr. Zeke R. Ramos Missouri State Penitentiary Cell 3411 Jefferson City, MO 65201 April 25, 1987 Dear Uncle Zeke, It’s been a while since I’ve written and I’m feeling a little guilty — you should understand that! — so I thought I’d drop you a small note. I hope that things are going semi-well for you. I just re-read your last letter to me and I can understand how you’d be a bit nervous about your new cellmate. You must have been very frustrated — after throwing out your hidden snack boxes of sugared Corn Kix and Wheat Chex — when you learned that your new cellmate was a cereal killer, only to later find out that its a serial killer! Why would someone bother to kill soap operas, anyway? I imagine that this guy, whatever he’s done, can’t be any weirder than the last two cellmates you’ve had. I remember your letter about the last guy whose entire body was covered with tatoos!
It must’ve been funny, though, the way he had continents drawn on his legs so he could use his varicose veins as rivers.
However, even I was a bit appalled at his collage tatoo of all thirty-six presidents on his stomach.
Although it is funny to think of Warren Harding getting even bigger after Sunday breakfast, it does seem a bit much. (That’s probably what Mrs. Harding said.) Even with all the tatoos the last guy had (including the one you-know-where), your cellmate before him takes the cake. Remember, he was the one who was imprisoned for taking the cake; he had broken into a bakery and taken the almost-completed wedding cake of his ex-girlfriend to spoil her wedding. I remember the headline: “Inflation Stops At Bakery: Rising Dough Taken.” Things are chugging along semi-smoothly here in St. Louis and Skinker-DeBaliviere. I think we must be a lot less conservative than we used to be.
A couple of months ago I found a piece of a newspaper that had a quotation by Mayor Schoemehl about him and Bill Bidwill, the owner of the Football Cardinals. Mayor Schoemehl was talking about a “bad marriage” between himself and Bidwell!!! I’ve heard that politics makes strange bedfellows, but this is really hard to believe …. There’s a big trial going on in town now. It’s got something to do with politicians getting money for helping cable T.V. franchises get monopolies.
I know, I know, that’s kind of like putting the sun on trial for coming up each morning.
After all, what’s a politician supposed to do? Nonetheless, some of the local cronies really are being tried by a jury. Tom “Polyester” Zych is one of the big fish who’s been indicted.
If he was on trial for his wardrobe, it’d be a case of “nolo contendere” for sure!
One of the local pols seeking a payoff (or is that redundant?) was quoted as saying that he’d “never worked a 9 to 5 job in his life and he didn’t intend to do so now!” And he wasn’t even an alderman!
Reading the paper each night is a bit like reading the summary of Dynasty in TV. Guide: “Local politicians make fools of themselves in a greedy attempt to take even more money for doing even less work. Featured in this episode are southern attorney Bobby Lee Cook, local politicians Larry and Curley, and state politician, Mo.” Oh yes, the Board of Aldermen just passed a 50% pay increase for themselves .. . makes one wonder who really should be on trial for theft! Remember, when I was a kid, where you used to take me to meet your friend, Miss Evelyn?
Well, the latest local fuss is about the old buildings down on DeBaliviere, including the Stardust, the one where she used to “teach.” Get this, Zeke, these buildings have been vacant for probably as long as you’ve been gone.
Now some people want to tear them down and build something new and everybody’s complaining! Something about wanting to see the plans ahead of time to know what the new buildings will look like! Heck, nobody even bothered to ask to see the plans for the Serra Sculpture and its a famous downtown something or other.
The Serra thing is quite popular, too. Whenever you go by it there’s always all kinds of people admiring it.
It must be some kind of cult because they’re usually wearing old clothes and holding bags, and sometimes they’re so relaxed it looks like they’ve been sleeping, but they obviously like it. I figure that if we wait long enough, maybe two or three months, the buildings on DeBaliviere will just crumble by themselves. You asked about the Football Cardinals, better known as “The Big Dead” to those of us who have lived here for a season or two. Nothing’s really progressing about a new stadium.
Oh, Gene McNary thinks he’s got things happening in the swampland by Earth City and that’s the craziest idea I’ve ever heard! Actually, its only the second craziest.
The first craziest idea is that McNary is being seriously considered for the job as head of the FBI. Honest Uncle Zeke, and I know you think I’m just spoofin’ you, this is the semi-Gospel truth!
I know, you’re thinking, “What next?” Well, how about the rumor that Lt. Col. Oliver North is a first cousin to Richard Nixon? I don’t think that’s true, but it’d be a heck of a story if it was!
The only thing more wild than that would be to find some of the pre-Columbian works of art in our Museum to be a fake! Ha!
Our old friend, Vanna “Bananna” White, asked me to send you her best wishes. Actually, her note really says: H…. , _nc_e Zee.
We M_s.s _o_! It’s amazing what’s happened to her. She’s on this T.V. show now and, get this, she gets paid for turning — letters! How’s that for talent rising to the top? I can remember all the time that you and I went to the “Great Books” meetings at the library, trying to improve ourselves, while Vanna stayed home and played hangman. Boy, did we blow that one! Zeke, I must go now I’d like to stay and write a bit more, but I have this new moneymaking project. I just told you that nothing is really happening about a new stadium. What I forgot to mention is that the upper deck seats in the present stadium have been replaced with new seats that are a couple of inches narrower in order to create space for 5,000 more seats. Honest!
Well, Chester Drawirs, a French friend of mine, and I have a plan: we’re producing extra-large red plastic shoehorns with Baseball Cardinals insignias to sell at the game!
We figure we’ll make a fortune each time the Cubs and Mets come to town. Best, Hawkeye P.S. I heard from Aunt Emma that your last parole board hearing did not go well.
I don’t mean to pry or stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but a parole board hearing is not the place where you should practice your ventriloquism! Didn’t it occur to you that sooner or later they’d figure it out?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, May 1987.
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Original source: SD_Times1987_05.pdf, printed page(s) 5; PDF page(s) 5.
