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Historical December 1984 report or notice. Original dates, prices and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Holiday time is fast approaching and, if you’re like I am, no doubt you have yet to begin thinking of presents for all the special people on your list. I am definitely a last minute shopper. Part of my tardiness is due to my busy schedule (at least I think it’s busy; it takes a long time to think of things to keep all those other people busy!), but part of it is also due to the fact that I like going out in the ninth inning of the season to purchase my gifts. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas if I weren’t in a Famous-Barr store somewhere on December 24th. I like the huddled masses yearning to buy that final present so that they, too, can be set free. I enjoy the haggard sales girls, and I absolutely relish in the pleasure of having only a couple of more hours to decide on what to buy. Sure, there are disadvantages to shopping that late (“I’m sorry sir, we ran out of that little item six weeks ago”), but it’s worth it. Forget the 4th of July, apple pie, Chevrolet, and Robert Vesco; fighting a frail person half your size for the last official “Dallas” datebook is what America is really all about. Anyone can find a parking space on Euclid in November, it takes a real pro to sidle his trusty metal horse into a space outside Duff’s on December 23!
My wife, I should add, hasn’t suffered at all from my proclivity for late shopping.
Last year, for example, she was clearly thrilled when I surprised her with a bronze electric hot dog cooker. Likewise, she was overwhelmed when I gave her a genuine naugahide set of boots, size 11. Now, granted, she wears a size 51/2, but the 11’s were all that were left and the clerk felt that my wife would “grow into” them. (I did feel a bit bad for all the naugas that died to make the boots, though.) My best purchase occurred several years ago when—at the final minute, no less—I was able to surprise her with an exercise jump rope that played the theme from “Dr. Zhivago” on a series of tiny whistles imbedded in the rope and activated by the flow of air as one jumped.
She hasn’t really used the rope yet, but I know she’ll enjoy it when she does. I realize, of course, that some of you obsessive-compulsive types don’t like to wait until the last minute to do your dirty work. I also know that the Back-To-Thecity movement is in full swing. I’ve put these elements together. (“See, mom, all those years of school aren’t wasted after all!
One thing I learned how to do was put elements together; ‘variables’ they call ’em!”) Yep, In Your Ear has some shopping ideas for you.
No doubt you know of a suburbanite who secretly yearns to live in the City, where the streets are paved and life is exciting!
While that semiintrepid individual gets up the nerve to come east of Skinker, here are some specifics which you can give to entice your rural friend to join society.
1. “City Sounds” tape—This audio cassette, narrated by Tom Zych and Leonard Nimoy, contains all the sounds to make a City dweller feel at home. You’ll hear barking dogs, hornhonking cars, politicians making speeches, protesters, and trash removal at 6:10 a.m. only on those mornings that you want to sleep late. (By contrast, the higher-priced suburban tape is nothing but lawnmowers with a background of Muzak.)
2. Road map—This is an actual map of streets and street directions for City neighborhoods, including Skinker-DeBaliviere.
It contains the latest street closings, barricades, detours, cul-de-sacs, and potholes. Under no circumstances can this accurate map be given to any delivery man or cab driver.
3. Old furniture—As soon as your county friends move to the City, they will immediately have more space than they ever imagined due to the large number of rooms in our older homes.
This pre-fab kit contains several unmatched pieces of slightly worn furniture to be stored in the spare rooms so that they aren’t totally vacant. (The deluxe version of this kit, sold only at Nieman-Marcus, contains actual blow-up “border-in-law dolls” to accompany the furniture and inhabit the spare rooms.)
4. Engraved drinking glasses—Since the Skinker-DeBaliviere area, specifically, is known for its convivial nature, this set of drinking glasses is an absolute must for use while chatting with neighbors about the major issues of our times.
These special glasses have engraved portraits of the new Pruitt-Igoe horseracing track on the outside and a small pocket for a grain of salt on the inside (the same grain with which you take all of your neighbor’s advice about how to raise your children, grow your grass, clean your porch, or whatever).
5. Monogrammed St. Louis City Sports Shirts—Sure, you see them everywhere, but it bears repeating! I mean, have you ever heard anyone call our teams anything like the “LaDue Cardinals” or “Affton Steamers” or “Fenton Blues”? Forewarned is forearmed (obviously a phrase having something to do with siamese twins), so you should now be able to satisfy all of your suburban buddies. Who knows, the shoe may be on the other foot this year; they may run out of time and give you something that is completely and absolutely and totally useless . . . how about a hookup for cable TV?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, December 1984.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times1984_12.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
