Historical April–May 2025 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Hey there, how are you feeling? Healthy and happy, I hope. Thanks to the wisdom of the 49.8% of the voters who chose Donald Trump and Elon Musk, we now have a booming economy, the Ukraine war was ended on January 20, and all of our government agencies are becoming more efficient. Actually, reality intrudes so I hope you’re feeling better than the current state of our country.
But let’s revisit health and happiness.
If I asked you to identify where you’d like to go in the world, the responses would vary. Paris would be mentioned a lot as would Hong Kong, San Franciso, Hawaii, and Branson. (My guess is Branson reflects that 49.8%.) But if I asked you where you would definitely not want to go, an answer would jump out: A hospital emergency room. Yep. Stay away!
The staff in hospitals are wonderful (I know all too well, a story for another time), but not seeing them there should be a goal, and that’s why while walking my dogs, wearing Crocs, smoking a stogie, and reading the paper, I was struck by an article, “6 Things E.R. Doctors Wish You’d Avoid” (by Jancee Dunn, 2/21/25 NYT). Always seeking a surprise, I was a bit disappointed with her list. They’re pretty much common sense but good reminders. Dunn says: Never wear Crocs when it’s snowy or icy outside. Yeah, I was surprised too.
But despite their snazzy look (?!?), Crocs offer no traction or ankle support.
But it’s a trade-off. You can either be safe or stylish. Alas, this tension pervades my life. That’s why regardless of their safety, I still wear my bell-bottom jeans. (To be fair, this is easier these days since my body has become more bell-bottom.) Don’t slice an avocado in a hurry. “Never cut toward your hand,” a physician notes, Hello? How insightful is this?
I mean, other than the two or three times this month when I’ve cut my hand while slicing a bagel, this is only common sense. OK, maybe it was more than two or three times. Don’t trust a trampoline. How many parts of your body can break when you land wrong?
The answer to that is simple: How many parts are there in your body?
The article notes that there were more than 800,000 trampoline injuries between 2009 and 2018. Yikes!
The only thing crazier than getting on a trampoline would be bouncing while cutting a bagel. (No, I have not done that.) But there’s an even worse injury option, “most occur when multiple people are bouncing together,” says the doc. Holy cow! Can you imagine several people bouncing together on a trampoline, all slicing bagels? Hello, E.R. Don’t pet strange dogs. Common sense, of course, this would be a very foolish behavior. That’s unless the dog is particularly cute.
But if the dog growls, you can cause it to cease that behavior by thrusting your hand toward its mouth.
The dog will be deterred, for sure. Don’t ignore sudden symptoms.
According to Dr. Landry, the physician quoted in the article, “If you experience something like severe chest pain or paralysis of a body part, come to the E.R. immediately.” But how to get there quickly?
If your trampoline is near a hospital, just maybe you can avoid automobile traffic and the blare of sirens by launching yourself in that direction.
I can see the smiles on the faces of the E.R. staff as you plummet from the sky. Just don’t land on your bagel and knife. Don’t ride without a helmet.
The data here, sadly, are reminiscent of the foolishness evidenced in the last presidential election. How’s that turning out, folks? Similarly, not too long ago, wise Missouri voters (too often an oxymoron) voted to repeal the helmet law. Yep, they think it is just fine for people to drive motorcycles without a helmet. I’m sure there’s an anti-government bias here – Don’t tell me what to do! – but the results are clear: An NPR article (4/14/24) states that “The Missouri Department
of Transportation said Thursday that there is a correlation between the rise in motorcycle fatalities and the repeal of the universal helmet law in 2020. Since 2020, motorcycle fatalities have increased 47% and 2023 was the deadliest year on record for motorcycle fatalities with 174 deaths, according to MoDOT.” Our current no helmet law shows that common sense clearly isn’t that common with a majority of the voters in MO. OK, enough sermonizing from Hawkeye. Consider yourself reminded. You now know when not to wear those Crocs, how to cut, what to pet, where to jump, what to ignore, and what to wear. Life can be simple and safe as long as you use your head – while wearing a helmet. Let’s try to remember these wisdom rules on the next election day. Where can I get a “Hooray for President Musk” bumper sticker?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2025.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Archival transcription note: Satirical suggestions of thrusting hand toward growling dog and launching into hospital from trampoline are dangerous jokes, not medical or safety advice. Source attribution of helmet repeal to voters retained, requires factual editorial review.
Original source: SD_Times2025_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
