Historical April–May 2024 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
OK, perhaps it’s because we’ve just been hit by Daylight Savings Time and there has been a wealth of commentaries about sleep, lack thereof. Give me a break! Are we a wimp country or what?
I mean, we only lose one hour in the spring; that’s not even sixty-one minutes, yet writers, commentators, and bed salespeople are going crazy. It’s an hour, folks, get over it. Sure, I was tired the next morning, but I’m always tired the next morning. And the fact that it was dark until after 7am caused me to be more tired.
But I’m over it and so should you. That leads me to the point of this insightful column, sleep. More specifically, how to get to sleep. Sleephealth.org says “1 in 3 adults do not get the recommended amount of uninterrupted sleep they need to protect their health.” This, dear reader, is a national problem.
In fact, getting to sleep shouldn’t be difficult, so what’s the problem? Well, the problem, Hawkeye says, responding to his clever rhetorical question, is that society has evolved to a point where it is difficult for many folks to get a good night’s sleep. Yep, count me as one. Don’t misunderstand.
My term “evolution” is meant to capture how life has improved over time.
I mean, where would we be without microwave ovens, digital television, and flavored pretzels? Yes, life is much better today than in the past. George Washington would surely have loved those pretzels regardless of his wooden teeth.
But these major advances in the quality of our life come with a cost.
The increased stress and pace of life make it much harder for many of us to get the recommended seven hours of sleep. And late night t.v. doesn’t help. Between “House Hunters” and “Yellowstone Wardens,” how can a guy drop off to sleep? Oh yeah, Jimmy Kimmel too.
The challenges are obvious. We’re so busy that our brains are working overtime even when our bodies are supine.
But we need our beauty sleep (for those of us with advanced degrees, it’s our pulchritude sleep).
Here then, weary reader, are Hawkeye’s guaranteed tips for falling asleep. (Guaranteed means that if these don’t help, Hawkeye will refund the cost of this issue of The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere.) First, dress for the sleep role. Even though you may be most comfortable in your formal gown or tuxedo, these attires won’t help you doze off.
I know you’d like to sleep in them in case there’s a national emergency and you need to run from the house without time to get dressed. Relax, Hazel, candidly, if there was a national emergency and you were outside in a formal or a tux, people would think you were part of the cabal. So dress for comfort. Hawkeye recommends sweats and tennis shoes (on the off chance that there is an emergency).
Second, eating too close to bedtime can make it harder to get to nevernever land or, for that matter, not-likely land. Hawkeye says don’t eat anything significant (that means tasty) after 11:30pm. Up until then, somniferous foods like sausage pizza, bean tacos, and enchilada ice cream will help you prepare to sleep. (Tip: If you are eating all of these in one meal, stop eating by 11:17pm.) A friend has two cups of expresso each night at 10:00.
When I asked him if this interfered with his sleep, he replied, “No, I always have trouble sleeping but the expresso keeps me more alert so I can be productive when I am not sleeping.” It’s hard to logic with that argue. Third, exercise can be your friend when it’s bedtime. Your body needs to exert itself enough so that sleep is welcome. Believe me, the worst thing you can do is lie in bed, semi-dormant and hope to fall asleep.
I tried counting sheep, but that didn’t work because I keep envisioning the January 6 insurrection and that keeps me awake. I’ve also spent hours lying in bed while listening to a recording of Ronald Reagan’s Memorable Speeches, but that didn’t help. It’s not that the Gipper’s melodious words kept me awake; rather, it’s anticipating the societal cost of his framing the government as our enemy. Maybe I would do better if I spent hours telling the truth in bed instead of lying? Oh wait, that doesn’t fit with the idea of Reagan as a conservative despite the fact that the federal debt held by the public nearly tripled in nominal terms, from $738 billion to $2.1 trillion while he was in office. Yep, lying is better and makes it more likely that I will get re-elected.
But back to exercises, there are a few activities that beckon shut-eye.
My favorite is The Frozen. Pretend you are a statue, pick a pose, and remain motionless for ten minutes. Your nostrils can move while you breathe, but that’s it. Trust me, after being a still-life for ten, you’ll be asleep before you know it.
Another exercise that will cause you to doze off is to sit on your hands, literally. Put them under your toosh (that’s a medical term) and simply s-i-t.
After a while, they will get numb, your back will become sore, and sleep will be a relief. (Note: Do not do this during an important meeting.) Finally, if Hawkeye’s nostrums fail to help, if you’re going to be awake longer and later than you wish, take advantage of the extra time. Get on Facebook under a false identity and disparage a political candidate or three. Watch Tik-Tok and try to figure out how the Chinese government is using this to spy on us. Or write your congressperson and ask, “What were you thinking?” Regardless of when you send that letter, it will be timely. Unfortunately. Or worse, send Hawkeye an email. He’d love to hear your thoughts about last month’s column on Prisoner Trump, or the previous months’ columns about Angel Fred.
In the meantime, good night!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2024.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2024_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
