Historical November–December 2023 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
What’s the worst thing you’ve done in your life? Relax, dear reader, no one awaits your answer and Hawkeye cannot read your mind. That’s a good thing! Further, Hawkeye isn’t even interested in your response, playful or prurient as it might be. Rather, he asks simply to get at the ludicrousness of college admission essay questions. Do you remember your college admissions essay? Do you recall your response? (To those of Hawkeye’s age group, do you remember college?!?) There’s been a great deal of discussion about college essay exams, actually more than the topic warrants.
After all, acceptance to college is usually semi-perfunctory.
If your g.p.a. is higher than sea level and you can pay, welcome! Someone has to pay for the new fancy dorm and the world class sports center. Colleges value diversity so they will accept Master Card, Visa, American Express, and Discover. Realistically – and Hawkeye hates being realistic, but like categorizing the various flavors of bacon, this is an important topic – most colleges accept most students as long as most of their tuition is going to be paid.
There are maybe 50 colleges and universities that are discerning enough so that the essay syllables you submit will make a difference in whether you are accepted. Of course, nothing increases attractiveness more than elusiveness, so just about every high school senior wants to attend one of those 50 schools. Thank you, supply and demand! Consequently, students, students and parents, and students and coaches spend a great deal of time crafting those essays. Yes, I said, coaches. Believe it or not, there are actually people who are paid to help students write the admissions essay! Is nothing sacred? What’s next, people who are paid to hold political office? It’s easy to cast blame at essay coaches and their customers, but everyone wants what they can’t have, and who can blame them?
To my mind, the real culprits in this admissions dance are the colleges and universities.
They determine the process, after all, and their questions illustrate that they really aren’t interested in what they can learn about their applicants.
When I applied to college, the essay question was “Should today’s prohibition laws be eliminated?” I’m not sure how I responded, but I do recall drinking a gin & tonic while I wrote.
Many years later, the quality of the essay questions has not improved (although I am drinking a higher quality gin). Here, for example, are a few essay question examples that are used today, courtesy of Dr. Google: A. What topic do you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time? B. How has a failure affected you? C.What has someone done that has made you happy in a surprising way? Give me a break! Of course, the answers to those tepid questions are the equivalent of applehood and mother pie. Responses that generate a check in the admissions box are (a) watching a clock; (b) it hurt; and (c) no one has ever done this. See what I mean? Instead, if college admissions officers really wanted to know their applicants, if they truly sought to ensure that the right kind of student was accepted, they would ask far more intimate, probing, and illuminating questions. Envision the responses that the following queries might generate: 1. What’s the worst thing you’ve done in your life? (Yep, you were ready for this one.) 2. What’s the almost worst thing you’ve done more than once in your life? 3.
When was the last time you made fun of someone behind their back? 4.
While driving, when did you last make an obscene gesture to someone in a smaller car? 5.
When did you last make an obscene gesture to someone because of the bumper sticker posted on their car? 6.
When were you most appropriately embarrassed? 7. How many consecutive days have you ever gone without lying? OK, the most consecutive number of hours? Alright, how many minutes? 8. What reprehensible thing do you do regularly? 9. Will you donate an inordinate amount of your earnings to this university? 10. How could you ever have voted for Trump? Yes, responding to these questions would speed up heart rate, elicit sweat, and encourage eating fistfuls of M&Ms while writing.
But the essays would serve as a Rosetta Stone into the soul of the writer.
The essence of the responses would be bare, brazen, and bodacious, and create a student body to remember. Hawkeye welcomes your responses to any/all these essay questions at trhoerr@aol.com. You can be candid because your answers will neither hurt nor benefit your application to H.S.H.K. (Hawkeye’s School of Hard Knocks).
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2023.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2023_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 5.
