Historical November–December 2020 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
How safe are you? No, I don’t mean while on the highway when 10 percent of the other drivers have been inhaling or imbibing. I’m not thinking of safety on the plane, despite your mask, gloves, visor, and nose plugs. And I don’t mean in the alley while taking out your trash, vulnerable to hedgehogs, armies of squirrels, and feral sanitation trucks.
I am asking “How safe are you in your home? Yep, home safety is a problem!
I just learned about a friend who fell down the stairs while eating a donut and smoking a cigar.
He hit his head on the railing and fell into the dog’s water bowl, unconscious and now drowning. Fortunately, his wife revived him with CPR, but his cigar ignited a stack of Trump For President signs.
I am sorry that I missed all this. Dr. Google says, “Every year, more than 160,000 Americans die as a result of an accident, making accidents the third biggest cause of death.” To further lighten the tone, here are the five largest causes of those 160,000 deaths: poisoning, falling, choking, drowning, burns or fires. Wow, it reminds me of birthday parties that I’ve attended.
But Dr. Hawkeye to the rescue, here are tips and taps for you to remain safe in your abode. Home deaths by poisoning. Avoiding this is easy, don’t eat at home.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been disappointed by a Big Mac Meal, and I used to love getting those tiny toys (although, to be fair, once I did choke on a half-inch tall plastic Ferris wheel). Really, eat out. Or if you don’t want to go out, eat in but order the food from out. Unless it’s from a Russian KGB restaurant, you’re in good shape here.
If you must prepare your food at home, minimize risk by using high quality ingredients – Hostess cupcakes, Bier’s vanilla and bacon ice cream, and Hunter’s baloney. Of course, wine from John Parker’s makes anything better. Home deaths by falling. You’re more likely to fall on the stairs than while standing on the floor, so this is more challenging because many of us live in two- and threestory houses. So only live on the first floor. Why not?
If you have cable and the Internet, it doesn’t matter where you are. Think of all those calories you’d save by not trudging up and down the stairs.
If you must use them, install Velcrocovered railings and wear Velcro gloves.
It will slow you down a bit but better slow than prone. Since most falls on stairs occur when people are careless or moving too quickly, simply make a point of always walking up/down the stairs backwards, facing where you went. You cannot do that carelessly or quickly, so you’ll always get where you’re going. Usually. Home deaths by choking.
This cause of death is different because it’s intentional. Unlike an accident, someone is willingly too aggressive with food consumption. That’s a technical way of saying that what they ate was too big. Not too much, just too big.
Here the prevention is quite simple: chop, chop, chop. Cut those footlong hot dogs into pieces that are only six inches in length, divide that cheese meatball before swallowing, and if you cannot enclose the hunk of bread in one hand, tear it in two.
But if all of this sage advice fails and you find yourself choking, Google Heimlich maneuver and follow the directions.
If you’re alone, make a fist and use a chair. Note: Do not eat the chair. Home deaths by drowning.
This is the easiest danger to avoid: stay out of the water!
If you must cleanse yourself, take a shower while wearing a snorkel. You can’t be too safe.
It you have to be in the tub with water, gasp, take a toy or two. Focusing on that rubber duck or yellow submarine will ensure that your nostrils stay above the water line.
If you have a backyard pool, drain that puppy now.
Then forget about water and use it as a repository for all of the neighbors’ leaves. They’ll love you for it and no one ever drowned in leaves. Alternatively, with enough freon you could have a mini-hockey rink in the back yard, and what could be safer than ice-skating after a brew or two, right? Home deaths by burns or fires. OK, in the twenty-first century, there are only two reasons for fire in the home: birthday parties and fireplaces.
If you were thinking cooking, get over it. That’s why God invented the microwave. For birthday parties, once you’re older than 19, there is no reason for multiple candles. Just have one big candle next to an abacus that signifies the number. For fireplaces, have you seen the incredibly cellophane fake flames sold at Target?
They are so realistic that I toasted some fake marshmallows over them. So Dear Reader, if you follow Dr. Hawkeye’s advice, watch out for hedgehogs, and don’t go west of Hanley, your safety is assured. You’re welcome. (I’ll bet that some of you thought that this article would be about politics. How could it not?
But I’m tired of hearing about the 2024 presidential campaign. Let’s just appoint Oprah and get on with it.)
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, November–December 2020.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2020_11.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
