Historical February–March 2019 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
I work the night shift. People who don’t work the night shift ask me, “What’s it like working the night shift?” I tell them, it’s like living on the other side of the world.
My day is night, my down is up, summer is winter and the toilets swirl backwards. Imagine I live in Australia, but without the beaches, coral reefs, wallabies and Sydney’s Harbor. That’s what it’s like. Australia without the scenery.
I like to drink beer on my deck when I get home from work.
I watch the neighbors walking their dogs and sometimes I’ll say, “Good morning! Come on up and have a beer!” No one has ever accepted my offer.
They usually have an excuse like, “I have to go to work.” Fair enough, but please don’t mow your lawn until I wake up. People will ask me, “Do you like working the night shift?” I answer them by saying, “At this point what does it matter? Saturday is Monday, Friday is Tuesday and I think it’s April.” Nobody needs me anymore.
I shamble through the house unseen and unheard, a philosophical conundrum. “If Dan Rater fell down the stairs would he make a sound?” I’ve achieved existential nothingness, so I have that going for me.
My job as a parent is pretty much done.
It wasn’t that hard. Three simple rules: Say please and thank you, do your homework and don’t take heroin.
My wife helped, but they’re pretty good kids.
All they really want from me now is to bankroll some snacks and spray tans. I’m sure they love me but do they respect me?
In a recent photo they all said I looked like a thumb. We’ll be at family gatherings and I’ll be telling stories, spinning gold like Rumplestiltskin.
The girls are watching and they’ll say, “Dad nobody is listening to you”, which I suppose is the answer to the conundrum. That’s what it’s like living down under.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2019.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2019_02.pdf, printed page(s) 4; PDF page(s) 4.
