Historical September–October 2018 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Well, it was only a matter of time until we learned that we are not, truly, alone in the universe.
This shouldn’t be a surprise.
After all, there are more suns in the universe than there are grains of sand on the Earth, and that’s, like, a lot. And most of these suns have planets orbiting them. Don’t doubt me; I know this is true because I just heard it on “Sixty Minutes.” But we flawed humans are often surprised by the obvious. For example, should we be surprised that a television reality show host who’s elected president treats the job like it’s a television reality show? Should we be surprised that global warming warms the globe? No, neither should catch us off-guard but they do. So, I’m not surprised that we’re surprised that we don’t have a monopoly on life even though it’s not surprising. What? You hadn’t heard? Well, news sources have been shouting that the European Space Agency’s Mars Express orbiter identified a 12-mile salty lake existing under the surface of Mars. Holy cow! Now, mind you, water, alone, doesn’t guarantee life any more than free beer guarantees foolish behavior.
But the chances are pretty high. (When was the last time that you were at a party with free beer and no one acted foolish? Right, case closed.) OK, we know there’s water, we know it’s underground, and we know it’s really, really cold, approximately 26 degrees, but the water is not frozen because of the high salt content. That’s all that the Europeans know, but come close because Hawkeye has some inside knowledge.
I cannot tell you how I know this (or I’d have to kill you), but trust me, it’s true.
After all, I’m the guy who predicted that the Loop Trolley would be completed on time.
In the interests of keeping the readers of The Times of Skinker-DeBalivere on the cutting edge, Dr. Hawkeye will share his secret knowledge about the Martians.
When we do meet the below-surface Martian life forms, we can be sure of the following: 1. Contrary to what we might have thought, these life-forms are not like fish or sharks. Think penguins with smart phones, astride self-driving water-skis, because the underground Martian society is far more advanced than ours.
They have world peace, can eat chocolate without gaining weight, and every city’s home team wins all of its games! Indeed, the Martians have been monitoring life on Earth for thousands of years but never reached out to us because, well, why bother?
They saw us engaging in war after war after war, they witnessed the birth of television, and now they see President Trump.
I can’t say that I blame them for not initiating contact. 1.
The Martian mavens will be wearing wool socks and mittens. I’m not sure how many feet, arms, or flippers they will have, but they’ll want to keep them all warm, and what works better than wool socks and mittens? (Perhaps given the scientific nature of this column, I should say that “I don’t know how many meters, arms, or flippers they will have”; get it?) Yes, having wool for socks and mittens means that they will have cloned sheep that can live underwater – Hello, Dolly! – to gather the wool. Their sheep farms may have Nauga too so that they can skin them to make Naugahyde for their couches. Their sheep and Naugas belch cocoa-like gas which becomes pressurized to turn into chocolate – think carbon becoming diamonds – their basic food group. It’s so good, it’s sort of like something you would find at Parker’s Table. 1. Given the cold, dark, and wet living conditions, our Martian friends will have advanced far beyond the Internet. Instead, the Martian mavens will communicate using mental microbes, jolts of electronic messages that zap at the speed of light.
This means that everyone – oops, every Martian – will be simultaneously communicating with everyone else on every issue whether or not they know anything. What a cacophony of ideas and thoughts!
It will be like a bar with free beer. 1.
The Martian Mavens will vote Democratic. You may wonder why since they already have peace, all the chocolate they can eat, and singlepayer health care, but they are wise. You see, in addition to having achieved an underwater nirvana, they have also been keen observers of what happens on Earth, and they’ve seen where last two Republican presidents have taken us – hello to Iraq and Stormy Daniels – so they consistently vote for the Democratic porcupine (their equivalent to a donkey). Once again, I can’t say that I blame them. Keep your eye peeled because it won’t be long until we hear from the Martian Mavens.
If it hasn’t happened before, I am sure they will initiate contact when President Winfrey is inaugurated. Remember, you heard it here, first!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2018.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2018_09.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
