Historical Summer 2018 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
There are great philosophical questions left unanswered. Does God exist? Is there life after death? Do I matter if I’m not trending on social media?
To be or not to be, with hopes of going viral, that is the question.
The world is rife with instant gratification, validation and notification. Facebook, Twitter, the Instasnaps and YouTube are now the bedrock of our reality. Fake this, fake that, fake news: the truth is out there somewhere.
My wife was pondering the dilemma and was succinct in her summation; “Everybody loves Facebook Dan, but I have to live with Everyday Dan. Welcome to my false reality.” For those of you who don’t know him, Facebook Dan is witty, charming and absolutely adorable. Adroit in social settings, he’s fun to be around.
On the other hand, Everyday Dan can be kind of an ass.
He sleeps too much, eats too much and drinks too much.
When he’s awake, you wish he were asleep. Last year he ate an entire box of fudge bars and missed work with a stomach ache. Facebook Dan basks in the adulation of his friends. Every thumbs up, every like, or smiley face is another affirmation of his gift for creating joy and fellowship within the community. Everyday Dan avoids human interaction and likes to talk into his echo chamber.
He thinks only of himself and refuses to fill out customer service evaluations.
There are moments when the two realities intersect. Everyday Dan colludes with Facebook Dan and gets invited to parties.
In a full moon fever, he’ll be polite and won’t interrupt. Realtime Dan will show pictures of his kids and share the secrets of the Flexitarian diet. He’ll behave responsibly and listen to other people’s opinions.
On the way home he’ll run red lights, flip off drivers and dent the car door. Then, the next day the story will be on Facebook, polished and pleasant, with no sign of the F word.
I was looking at the local news, or it might have been Yahoo’s homepage when they reported the death of Happiness.
The funeral was broadcast in 2010, and coincided with the ascent of social media.
The cause of death was Too Much Information.
In his eulogy the Pastor declared Happiness to be overrated.
He said Unhappiness always had better numbers. Social media has become my college apartment.
I have a ton of roommates and they always have people over. It’s fun and exciting until you want to go to bed.
When I wake up in the morning, I realize someone played connect the dots on my freckles with permanent marker. It’s an invasion of my personal space, embarrassing, and potentially harmful.
But the photo is sure to go viral.
To trend or not to trend; the answer is simple. Just wait until you see my Snapstory.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, Summer 2018.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2018_06.pdf, printed page(s) 4; PDF page(s) 4.
