Historical September–October 2017 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
I’m not really a deadline kind of guy.
In my world there’s always tomorrow, until all that’s left is today. I’m just trying to play out the string.
But now I’m at the end of my rope, so I have to put something on paper. It’s not like I haven’t been trying to come up with an idea. I’ve spent most of the summer navel-gazing; reflecting on the past and present, and waiting for the waterfall of inspiration to wash over me. Instead, I’ve come face to face with the abyss; staring into the bottomless chasm of writer’s block, soaked in flop sweat. Sometimes I wish life could be more like an IKEA catalog. Everybody seems really relaxed. Smiling and laughing in comfy clothes and fluffy socks. Drinking wine in a well appointed room surrounded by books and loved ones.
A vision of a better everyday life, assembly required.
My wife’s been trying to come up with ideas, but hers aren’t any good. Although the IKEA catalog thing was her idea, I happen to think mine are better.
I think men and women see things differently.
I could be wrong, there is precedent. For the last twenty years I’ve been living in a space station of femininity, orbiting around my wife and three daughters, observing their alien ways.
I feel like a scientist on the Galapagos Islands, twenty years of study and I’m no closer to the truth then when I started. I’m not trying to compare women to giant tortoises; I was just trying to come up with a clever analogy, metaphor or whatever.
I think my wife looks at me like I’m something she has to dust off and water once a week.
When I call her phone, the picture that comes up is a piece of furniture; a stolid, old chest of drawers, a stationary antiquity.
But I’m the one at ease, and comfortable with social media and the new technologies.
She still has an iPhone 1.0. It’s a square chunk that we call the Brick.
It receives calls, but can’t make them, and you can’t talk because it doesn’t have volume.
It can send texts but not receive them, it has email and weather alerts.
She always complains about her phone. “Why is your phone better than mine?” I tell her my phone is more expensive. It’s all about the bells and whistles.
I like expensive technology.
She thinks technology should be cheap, plentiful and available to everyone for $5.00 a year.
I went to buy a new computer and she gave me a budget of a $1,000.00.
I came home, under budget at $995.00. Feeling proud and waiting for a pat on the head, I was a little surprised when she got mad at me. “I knew it!” she said. “I knew you would go right up to $1,000.00.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was looking for a key chain or a candy bar at the counter, just so I could round it up to an even grand.
The bottom line is that I’m a procrastinator.
I waited until the last minute and now the hour glass is almost empty.
I don’t know what I’ll do for a column.
I judged a science contest for one of the kid’s class a while back.
This one kid submitted a piece of cardboard with two different types of duct tape, spelled Duck Tape on the cardboard, each holding up a battery and asking, “Which Duck Tape is Stronger?” The kid didn’t know and neither did I, but I marveled at the last minute desperation of the project, and gave him a point. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll just half ass it and check my spelling.
When is the next one of these things due?
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, September–October 2017.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2017_09.pdf, printed page(s) 6; PDF page(s) 6.
