Historical April–May 2017 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
Benjamin Franklin, a know-itall if ever there was one, said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” That’s a pretty accurate prediction when you consider all of the things that have changed in the 227 years since his death.
After all, when Ben was alive, there were no airplanes, microwave ovens, or Hostess Twinkies.
Most of us wouldn’t have been able to vote even if we were 21, and the presidents of the United States had always been wise and responsible.
A lot is different today.
Most of us can now vote even though only half of us do. Hostess Cupcakes are a staple of the American diet, and we have a talk show host as president! And no, sadly, it’s not Oprah.
But Ben was spot-on about death and taxes. That’s OK, though, because without taxes we cannot have all of the things we need to be a civil society. I’m thinking of the police and fire departments, a soccer stadium, a volleyball stadium, a go-cart stadium, and the Market Street Bowling Alley stadium. We’ll show those Rams!
But must death be permanent? Why do we have to die? What’s it all about, Alfie? You may worry that if nothing died, the world would be bigly crowded.
The lines would be even longer at Schnuck’s (and I’d never be able to make a leftturn on to Skinker). Plus, they didn’t use to bathe in the olden days, so imagine standing in that same Schnuck’s line with people who hadn’t taken a bath since they were born maybe 10,000 years ago. Where can I buy some stock in a deodorant company?
But good news!
There is room for all of us and all of our ancestors.
My cousin, Vinnie, an accountant, tells me that each person needs 225 square feet, and everyone who has ever been here, going back to Adam and Eve and Igor, could fit in Wyoming and LaDue. Think about it!
If everyone’s alive, Columbus is living next door to Sacajawea, who is across the street from Nero and Confucius. Mary and Abe Lincoln are in that duplex at the corner, and Debbie Reynolds lives in their basement. Can you imagine the arguments between Shakespeare and Buffalo Bill over what television show to watch? (Shakespeare would only watch PBS.) I know what you’re thinking – especially if you are reading this column around dinner time – but having enough food won’t be a problem because older people eat less.
I sure do! Unlike in my wild youth, I’m filled after eating just six slices of pizza and an ice cream sundae for breakfast.
The people who are more than 500 years old would exist on a daily carrot and Hershey Bar, and be quite happy about it. You wouldn’t believe how excited the Neanderthals will get when they see M&Ms. OK, so we’ve established that there’s enough room, food, and television stations for all of humanity to be alive at the same time.
As far as bringing back the billions who were here before us, restoring them to life, that’s no problem: Disney has designed an osmostic process that extracts DNA from cemeteries and mass graves and expands it to create organisms.
A Mickey droid circling the world elicits the DNA and sends it to Wyoming where it is categorized and pumped. Think Jurassic Park on steroids. That leaves us with the simple question of how we can avoid death.
In the interest of helping you, dear reader, of enabling you to live across the street from Cleopatra and Achilles, Hawkeye has been to the mountain top. He, I mean I, has read, meditated, smoked only the finest Kuban cigars, reflected, genuflected, and registered to vote in every ward. (In one of my escapes from reality, after the third or fourth stogie, I was able to peer into the future, and I saw the 2020 presidential election between Donald Trump and Michelle Obama, but that’s a column for another day.
I won’t tell you who wins but her acceptance speech was great.) Here are Hawkeye’s rules for avoiding death and moving to Wyoming. Take notes! 1. Never get in a car, plane, or boat, or on a motorcycle, bicycle, or skate board. 2. Don’t eat anything that tastes good.
If you want it, you shouldn’t eat it. 3. Don’t get too excited.
If it’s fun, it’s bad for you. 4. Do the same thing every day. Boredom is boring but it’s the surprises that will cause a problem. 5. Massage your skin with olive oil each night.
It will preserve your moisture and also repel mosquitoes.
I guarantee that if you do these things, each day will seem like an eternity and you’ll think you are living forever.
Finally, get a sharpie and a pen with quick-drying ink, and change the birth date on your driver’s license by subtracting 1,000 years.
If you were born in 1988, for example, simply make that 988.
If you want to be really adventurous, go bigly and change it by two thousand years so that your birth date is -12. Chances are no one will question you because they will have read this column and will have done the same thing.
But on the chance that some wise-acre does ask about your age, just respond that it’s an alternative fact. I’ve got to go now because I’m having dinner with Genghis Kahn, Napoleon, and Sarah Palin.
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, April–May 2017.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2017_04.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
