Historical February–March 2017 article. Dates, prices, services and contacts describe the source period; current availability has not been established.
You’d be amazed at the many ways that Twinkies can be eaten.
I sure was.
The restaurant is world-class, located in Clayton. You can tell it’s world-class because everyone dresses up and the prices are high. Oh yeah, the food tastes good too. It’s not the sort of place I normally eat, it’s way above my pay-grade, but I was there to celebrate still another birthday, drinking champagne, trying to remember what I have forgotten, and listening to arteries harden.
After dinner, the waiter, a bit condescending (but that goes with the price), asked if we were interested in dessert. Foolish question! At my nod he said, “Let me tell you about our new dessert special Twinkies a la bacon.” WHAT? Did I hear that correctly? Twinkies and bacon? Are you kidding me?
The waiter proceeded to tell us that this delicacy was new to the Midwest and that the countervailing tastes – moist yellow cake, white sugary stuffing, and salty bacon bits – were like a symphony on the tongue.
I was immediately repulsed and said, “I’ll take one!” Well, the waiter was right.
The oxymoronic synergy (love that phrase!) of tastes was so indescribable that I won’t try to describe it. Think of the best chocolate sundae you’ve ever had, filled with pretzel chips, and eaten with a mustard spoon while sitting under a ceiling fan that is circulating shredded fireflies with Leonard Cohen singing in the background. You get the picture!
The dessert was so over-thetop that I asked to meet the chef, and was led to the kitchen where I chatted with Chef Marmolada, a clever culinary connoisseur from Canada.
She explained that this recipe, “Twinkie Pigee,” had been taken from a new cookbook that was dedicated to Twinkie recipes. Is that, like, unbelievable, or what?
The world is spinning out of control: First, President Trump and now a Twinkie cookbook. What could be next? Maybe the Cubs will win the World Series!?! Chef Marmolada was quite friendly, one could even say sweet, and I asked what other Twinkie recipes were in the book.
She smiled and said that this was top secret information, and that much as she would like to tell me, she had been sworn to secrecy.
As she talked, though, another waiter, also clearly condescending, called her name and said that the health department inspector was here for a surprise visit, and she was needed immediately in the restaurant hot tub area.
She apologized for needing to leave and asked me to wait a minute. Of course, as soon as she left, in the interest of journalism, following in the footsteps of Woodward and Bernstein and Julian Assange, I photographed the first few pages of the cookbook and now share some of them with you.
Please don’t tell anyone where you learned this.
A photo of Twinkie Piggee was on the cover and the Twinkies had been molded in the shape of a smiling pig. I’ll never figure out how they got the pig’s tail to curl like that!
The recipe noted that only fresh bacon bits should be used, and that if more panache was desired, key lime could be added.
The next recipe was Twinkie Baloney. (That may sound redundant.) Anyway, this suggests putting four Twinkies in a blender, add three slices of lean baloney (?), one slice of pickle loaf, and a handful of Hershey kisses.
This produces a spread which is best served on rye crackers with 905 beer. Kung Pao Twinkie was, as you might imagine, Kung Pao chicken or shrimp covered with crumbled Twinkies that had been mixed with shredded wheat. You know, people in China should be much more upset about this than whether or not Prez Trump talks to Taiwan.
I was most interested in Twinkie Mex because it offered three different recipes.
In the first, a ground-up Twinkie was inserted in the taco shell along with the sauce and meat.
The next variation had Twinkies mixed with garbanzo beans and serving as a dipping sauce.
The last was enchilada-Twink, the enchilada being placed directly on top of Mr. Twink. Build that wall!
I was disappointed when Chef Marmolada returned because I had just seen the title of the next chapter, “Twinkies in the Workout Room,” but had to stop reading.
She told me that she gave the health inspectors a bottle of Urban Chestnut, so all was good, and she escorted me out of the kitchen.
My return home took longer than I expected because I stopped at nine 7-11 stores and wiped out their stocks of Twinkies.
I now have enough Twinkies in my basement to last until hell freezes over or we elect a Democratic congress, whichever comes first. (I’m betting on the freeze.) They are easy to store because given the ingredients of Twinkies, no refrigeration is necessary. Like dinosaur fossils, they’ll be here and fresh in 65 million years. So, the next time you are in a fancy restaurant, ask about their Twinkie offerings. And if they look at you like you’re crazy and have no idea what you mean, leave immediately and find a place that is more committed to fine eating.
After all, we are only here once. Go, Twinkie!
Originally published in The Times of Skinker-DeBaliviere, February–March 2017.
Read this article in the original newspaper issue.
Original source: SD_Times2017_02.pdf, printed page(s) 8; PDF page(s) 8.
